Monday, June 19, 2006

It's Fun to Stay at the Y.M.C.A.

As a child of the 1970’s, I have taken some messages from the Village People to heart and am a long-time member of the YMCA.

I’ve been trying to swim regularly to decrease the postpartum flab.

(Exactly how many months can I blame the flab on postpartum-ness? Because I’m coming up on 10 months and still working that argument to DEATH.)

Anyway, after swimming, if I have time, I like to go into the steam room.

Yesterday there was a man in there with headphones on and he was singing Gospel at top volume.

I have to admit that he had a reasonably good voice – which is saying something because when I have ear phones on the singing that comes out of my mouth tends to be completely off key… but then, that is also usually true when I’m NOT wearing headphones...

As I sat in there with him I amused myself by thinking snarky thoughts like, “Quick! Somebody call Ryan Seacrest…” But of course, the fates would have to punish me for this…

Immediately after thinking sweaty, SMARTASS thoughts, I got in the shower.

I got all good and soapy when ZOOOOOOOOP the soap slipped out of my hand, shot out of the shower stall and into the center of the room – which also happens to be the main, and very public, thoroughfare from the ladies locker room to door to the pool.

Reluctantly, I waddled out in all my glory to get the soap.

Spotting it, I bent over – third eye winking at the room – and ZOOOOOOP – the soap shot further away.

Without standing up, I scrambled after the soap, my periscope still UP.

I finally caught up with the Dove (because I am a "real woman") and hurried, now upright, back to the privacy of my shower stall.

While in that compromising position, certain things must have – well – SHIFTED, because once safely back behind my curtain I released a completely involuntary foghorn blast that hurt my nose.

My son only recently discovered that he has a “little hole in his butt for making poo poo.” I think I’ll let that settle with him before I let him know that thanks to a genetic gift from his mother that very same hole also functions as a loud and sometimes unpredictable, public announcement system.

"ATTENTION ALL YMCA PATRONS: WINKY “THIRD EYE” WINKENHEIMER IS BACK IN HER SHOWER STALL. IT IS ONCE AGAIN SAFE TO WALK THROUGH THE SHOWER ROOM. PLEASE HOLD YOUR NOSE.”

Thou shalt not think sweaty, smartass thoughts.

11 comments:

Mel said...

Woman! No, you didn't go out into the lobby of the YMCA butt-ass nekked and chase some soap... say it ain't so... because otherwise, I won't be laughing with you, honey... no, I won't. It will definitely be an AT you sitch. Sorry! I still love you, but...
LMAO!!!!

melissa said...

"Exactly how many months can I blame the flab on postpartum-ness?"

Well, my oldest IS 11 and I still use it. So, I'll let you know.

Re: the rest.

Oh my god. Will you be my friend?

Oh, The Joys said...

Mel - OMG I am far too modest to venture out as far as the LOBBY of the YMCA - no - just out into the general shower room section of the ladies locker room.

Melissa - how could I refuse you if you want to be my friend after such an episode?

Mel said...

OOOOH!!!! Pshew!
;)

Sayre said...

I believe the time limit on getting rid of postpartum flab is... 10 years. At least I hope it is!

Mom101 said...

Ha! The way you wrote this put me right there in the locker room with you and I gotta say, you're right. It was very very stinky.

Oh, The Joys said...

Who said anything about stinky? Mine smell like Night Blooming Jasmine... I've been over and over this!

Kevin Charnas said...

oohhh...you're a woman fog-blaster after my own heart. at least you didn't let it rip when you were bent over grabbing the soap!

Mamma said...

I'm so loving this post!!

I was just thinking about joining a gym to get in some swimming for the very same reason. I have to say, after this episode, I may have to reconsider running!

You're a funny, funny woman!

Anonymous said...

The women's locker room at the Y that I swim at only has communal showers that are completely out in the open, so it's all ready all out there for all to see.

Fortunately most of the other ladies are not shy either, so it's not really an issue for me. That is with the exception of the time that the 15 year old girl that baby sits my daughter was also showering in the nude in the locker room with us and I had to stand there nude with this girl and her perfect body facing me as we talked. My self esteem plumeted that day I'll tell you!

Kelly W

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

Oh look, once upon a time you only got 10 comments. That is just weird.

This post almost made me pee my pants!

I am tagging you for a bloggy award. Because I love your daily writing. I. LOVE. IT. You belong on TV or something... [DING] I know, publish your blog to a book on blurb.com and sell it to us all. We'll have years of laughter in one place and you could quit your day job making money off your fans! I know, genius.

P.S. I love Night Blooming Jasmine too! Not enough to eat it though... that IS how you fart that scent, right?