Friday, July 14, 2006


I'm feeling heart broken because I learned that my oldest friend had a miscarriage. She was three months along. The autopsy revealed that the baby was a boy with Trisomy 16.

It's hard to know how to support her, partly because she hasn't spoken to me in two years. She came to a baby shower thrown for the birth of my first child. After that I got an e-mail from her revealing that she recently learned that she may not ever be able to have children and that being around me at this stage of my life was something that she just couldn't handle.

I completely understood. In the months when I was trying to get pregnant for the first time I felt completely shut down around people who were pregnant or had children because I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to conceive and that I was too old to have healthy children.

We have been unbelievably fortunate with two healthy pregnancies and two beautiful children. I have never miscarried. While I am feeling terribly sad about what is happening for her, I hardly know how to best provide comfort other than to tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am about what happened.

I know there are a lot of writers out there that have written about their experiences with miscarriage. I would be grateful for any recommendations you may have about the best pieces you've read. Since she e-mailed me, I think that door is open and that maybe I can share them with her.


Mel said...

I don't have anything to add other than my sadness over her loss... and how good a friend you are to understand her heart enough to have no hard feelings over her need for separation.

Heather said...

I don't have any experience with this or anything, but I wanted to write anyway to say that my heart goes out to you, your friend, and everyone who has lost someone.

Nikki said...

wow Joy.

My pathetic advice? Be real with her. Tell her that you love her and want to be there for her.

Tell her you ear is available for bending and your shoulder padded with a fresh towel for crying.

My heart goes out to her. I have miscarried too. It's a horrible horrible thing. Just fuckin horrible.

Sayre said...

What Nikki said. Since you've never done it, you can't really empathize. Just be there for her. Sometimes a hug is all you need to say.

I miscarried 5 times before my trouble-free pregnancy with my son. I wasn't trying to get pregnant the first five times, but when I got pregnant with him, I was terrified. Miscarriage is a sad, sad thing, but life will go on. She will realize this in time, but for now, it has stopped for her. Give her your shoulder. It is what she needs.

Kevin Charnas said...

I'm sorry... Nikki's seems to have some wise advise there.

Panda said...

My first pregnancy resulted in miscarriage and really, there isnt anything you can say or do other than telling her you love her and are sorry this happened. Be aware that this will take a long time for her to process and come to terms with, and that it is something she will carry with her forever.

And please, no assvice about how "it was for the best" and "you'll get pregnant again" and the rest of that inane shit people come out with. Not that I'd expect that of you.

Mom101 said...

Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored has written eloquently about this.

My brother and sil went through this and told me the worst thing to say is "it's for a reason" or "dont' worry, it will happen." Because you can't guarantee any of those things are true. The most you can do is offer support and a sympathetic ear.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. I have never miscarried, but spotted my way through my pregnancy always worrying about one. Certainly not the same as having one, though.
I know having a miscarriage means you can conceive. It just wasn't meant to be that pregnancy. So perhaps it can give her hope that a future pregnancy is possible.
At any rate, you sound like a wonderful friend, who will be there for her, and maybe this crisis can bring you both back together.


jennster said...

i don't have any links, but i'm so sorry for her and for you. hugs

melissa b. said...

I'm so sorry for her. ((hugs Joy))

carmachu said...

Yea, what sayre said. The mrs miscarried once, after sarah, a couple of weeks along.

Its sad, its hard, but it does go on eventually.

Hust be there for her when she needs it.

Panda said...

At the risk of starting a comment war, which I TOTALLY dont want to do, can I just respond to Lisa Goldsteins comment that having a miscarriage may give your friend some hope for the future?

I can pretty much guarantee that any woman who has dealt with infertility and then finally conceives only to have a miscarriage does not find any hope in this experience. Instead, they feel like their body has betrayed them in a whole new and interesting way and now the fear is with them constantly that even if they go on to conceive again, there will never be a live baby.

Being able to conceive doesnt mean anything. Its the baby you want. And for many women, recurrent miscarriage is their infertility issue.

I'm sorry to hijack your blog, J, but I just thought it was important to point this out.

Going now.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Hi there, just read the comments again. shows me not to offer thoughts when i have not experienced something myself. gosh, no comment war at all!
Just many apologies for thinking that would make someone feel better. in fact, i am very glad you posted this, and got all these comments, esp,., pandas, because I learned a lot about how to handle this if someone close to me has a miscarriage.

Thanks joyous one and other commenters. I learn a lot from these blogs.