Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bling, Tacos, Tequila and A Habitrail

A few weeks ago I went to the largest Latino mall in the South.

I'm not being politically incorrect about this. There was a whacking, great, big, huge, enormous sign hanging right over the entrance that said:


I am here to tell you that ALL malls should immediately convert to become MEMBERS of the Largest Latino Mall of the South franchise because for starters, THE FOOD COURT.


There were tacos and tortas and soupa de mariscos. (Alas, alas, the effing points though...still.)

Beyond the food court was kiddie heaven of all heavens - - an arcade filled, no FILLED with flashing lights and blinking machines all designed to devour all my quarters while mesmerizing my small ones.

There were gazillions of varieties of the game where you try to get ripped off as much as possible a quarter to land on a teeny tiny itty bitty space or, alternatively get it to slide through a slot that is actually skinnier than a quarter.

You know these games. They are the games that you are going to win as frequently as golden eggs are going to shoot at warp speed out of your...

BUT, these blinky flashy games reward players with PRIZE TICKETS which can be redeemed for fabulous booty at the prize booth.

Oh, yes indeed!

My friend Michele spent a mere $80.00 and her son was able to cash in his tickets for one of those plastic army men with a folded up plastic parachute rubber banded to his back.

He was filled with glee.

What a bargain!

As if that weren't enough, the piece de resistance was the giant human habitrail.


The kiddie habitrail at the Largest Latino Mall in the South is four stories high and netted, making it impossible for a child to fall out.

Parents are free to drink tequila drinks and eat tacos while watching their children move through the tubes and roomy spaces.

Why didn't anyone tell me SOONER that everything I needed to learn about parenting I learned in 1978 from my hamster named Honey?

I was an EXCELLENT hamster parent. So excellent in fact, that I was in the newspaper for being so excellent.

EXCELLENT, I tell you.

Excellent hamster parenting evidence: Exhibit A

Note that I've written, THE STAR on the header.
Humility not really being a strong suit of mine.


Jennifer said...

Dammit. WHERE IS MY LARGEST LATINO MALL? I want to drink margaritas while I "watch" my child play in hamster tubes! (And by "watch" I mean "drink more margaritas".)

pendlerpiken said...


If having kids can be so much like having a hamster, I'll might comsider it after all.

Oh, and Rick Springfield? Really?

Sayre said...

Wah! The newspaper didn't show up on my screen! I'm dying to know what the Rick Springfield reference was (a lame-o crush, perhaps????). Maybe it will show up at work.

I want me some Latino Mall!

Irish Church Lady :) said...

Sounds suspiciously like a Chuckie Cheese. My kids loved Chuckie Cheese. We don't have one in our city so whenever we went to the states it was a must on our visits. I grew a little tired of them or at least longed for a sound proof booth where I could sip my beverage in peace.

Marcie said...

That mall sounds like the Promised Land for Mommies!

Christina_the_wench said...

*stunned* What mall group is this and where can I contact them for building suggestions??

Nikki said...

*wishing I gave birth to hampsters*

liberalbanana said...

HA! That is hilarious! Way to go, Hamster Mommy!

I got to bring home the class gerbils when I was in elementary school and the one I'd nicknamed "Sleepy" turned out to be dead. Yup.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Oh, lordy the points....I'm a countin' the points too. Oh well, it could be worse...I guess.

Gwyneth said...

Gotta be Plaza Fiesta!

(Another Ralph's World Fan...)

Kevin Charnas said...

oh man, you just brought back some flashbacks...i actually went through one of the habitrail things at a Sea World with a nephew and niece. It was 4 stories high as well. I almost started screaming and puking from being enclosed in a netted-tunnel for FAR too long.

The tequila would've helped.

carmachu said...

Damn girl, at least McDonald's lets skinny adults go in the tubes with their children.....

Glad I like in the North...

melissa b. said...

You are THE STAR!!

Heather said...

Thanks, I adore Mr. Pants!!!

Speaking of cute, SO ARE YOU!!! I love that picture!

sweatpantsmom said...

Oh, why didn't you ever reveal you were the one and only Hamster Queen?

I bow down before you. Now, give me the address to The LLMTS - I want one of those $80 army men for myself.

Oh, and just a parenting tip - it IS possible to drink tequila and eat tacos in your own backyard, while your children are occupied. At least I think they're occupied. Where'd they go? *burp*

Kristin said...

damn, i live in southern california... home of the fucked up minute-men... where is my largest latino mall?

i feel totally gypped.

also, envious because my guinea pig was dead for 2 days before i noticed and therefore i was most certainly not the star pet keeper of the week.

Just telling it like it is said...

hey...I live in AZ and we do not have a latino mall...What the H E double hocky sticks is this about???

Teacher lady said...

I'd have to agree that they ripped off the concept from Chuck E. Cheese. Those habit trail things freak me out. A friend claims that her 4-year-old niece crawled through a puddle of urine while up there. How often do you suppose someone goes up and actually attempts to clean that thing? Sorry to be Debbie Downer.

Kevin Charnas said...

okay, why didn't this ADORABLE image appear yesterday? I wondered what the hell you were talking about with the "The Star" thing. I looked back over the post and thought, what the H E double toothpick is homegirl talking about???