Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Oh, The Shame of Dryness

At a "New Moms" group meeting I attended before The Mayor was born, a woman who had just given birth reported that she was experiencing "menopause-like symptoms" in the Yipee Yahoo Region.

She made it clear to those of us still in the birth queue that we needed to invest in oil...

(Black Gold! Texas Tea!)

... and not the Texas kind.

She raved about a sexual lubricant called
"Pjur Aqua Waterbased" that she swore would counter the Sahara Effect soon to be visited upon our Southern Hemispheres.

But my problem with lube is that you need to apply lube.

Which means you have to get lube on your hand.

Then you have a greasy hand.

What are you supposed to do with that hand?

Where are you supposed to wipe it off?

On your clean sheets?

If you do that, then the lube schmear will still be on your sheets later...only it will be all cold and clammy.

Should you wipe it on your partner's back in the clutches of passion?

Ew. No.

Locate, pick up and wipe it on your clothes? How romantic.

"Hold on a second you big Muffin of Love, I've just got to deal with my hand."

The Mom's Group woman, reading my mind, claimed this lube wasn't greasy and that it air dried off your hand.


She also mentioned that this particular lube was from EUROPE (and everyone knows that things from Europe are just more refined and like, so totally better.)

Well, hot damn!

I was all, "Sign me up for the New Lube of the 21st Century!"

But then I had to face the real dilemma.

How would I actually PROCURE the lube?

My main issue with sex toys, accessories and the like is really one of procurement.

Someone sent me links to two internet sites that sell sex toys (this and this), but I can't look.

It's not that I'm a prude or that I'm not curious.

It's just that I'm afraid of Big Brother.

I can't help imagining some SECRET AGENT out there tracking my IP Address and thinking, "HA HA HA! All Queen of The House of Joy
wants for Christmas is a Back Door Buddy TM."

Maybe I DO want a Back Door Buddy
TM ... and maybe I DON'T.

The thing is, I don't want anyone to KNOW if I want one or not.

It's bad enough that when someone (who is not me) thinks about, um, getting busy... that her immediate next thought is that every one of her dead ancestors going back through time will be looking down on her as she... well, sins or whatever.

If I am she is going to indulge in steamy, hot sin, why do my her great, great, great grandparents have to know about it?

Damned ancestral spying!

So if (someone) already has to suffer the DEAD knowing everything about (her) sex life, why should actual
LIVING people (other than those actively involved) have to know anything about it?

(...She says, posting all of this to the INTERNET because she is OUT. OF. CONTROL.)

I mean, to procure an item someone has to know about it, like a sales clerk or something.

Except in the historic case of the random, slag benefactress...

When I was in my early twenties, a friend of a friend of my mom's found some convoluted way to invite herself to stay with my roommates and me while she
"job hunted" in my town.

I'm here to testify that she didn't do half as much job hunting as she did ... well, on second thought, maybe she was looking for something on her back...

Anyway, she saw more action...

As a parting gift she left a fancy gift bag
on our dining room table decorated with ribbons and tissue paper.

In it?

A big, fat, vibrating item.

My roommates and I stood in a circle around it.

What to do, what to do?

Rock, paper, scissors?

You'll just have to ask my spying ancestors what became of it.

Fast forward back to the mom's group and the quandary of procuring the lube...

I decided there was no way I was going to walk into an establishment with a name like "InsERECTION" or "Big, Swinging Richard's House of Lube."

I settled on allowing Big Brother to witness and record my credit card processing a small bottle of el fantastico euro lube from a web site
called (something like) "Lube-O-Rama."

Lube-O-Rama sent God's Answer to the Sticky Hand along with about 50 bazillion packets of sample lube with names like "Stroke" and "Wet."

K tossed all the sample packets into the universally recognized home for all lube... the nightstand drawer.

Then he began to fret.

And fret.

And fret.

"Why are you fretting, oh Great Lube Master?" I asked him.

"My nightstand drawer is full of lube," he complained.


"If someone snoops in my drawer they're going to think..."

I filled in the blank...

"They're going to think we're a couple of RANDY, old geezers?"


"They're going to think we're sex crazed?"

"No!" K insisted. "They're going to think we're REALLY DRY."


That's for SURE going to be their first thought.





Lisa said...

Oh my god, this is hilarious. I can't stop laughing about the lube hand and the back door buddy.

"Oh the joys" of womanhood.


Lisa said...

Oops, Blogger didn't let me log's me Lisa, from Womenhavingitall in the above comment. thanks for giving me a laugh to start my day.

Sayre said...

I keep a stack of cheap-o washcloths in my nightstand... you know, for... whatever... needs wiping up.

And honey? Not even your humor is dry. It's all wet and sloppy tears rolling down our faces!

K said...

Ah, the nightstand drawer. I know it well.

As a gag, I once received for a present a large black dildo from workmates since I must seem like the sweetest, non large black dildo-bearing person. Oh, the howls of laughter when I nearly dropped it when I saw what it was. But now the thing is hidden in our house because I'm mortified that even our garbage man might see it.

Um...the hospital chaplain JUST WALKED IN while this screen was up. Please say a prayer for me.


Marmite Breath said...

You should have my fear....a tornado ripping through my house, me being dead and not being able to defend myself, and the contents of my nightstand being blown around the neighbourhood. It gives me the shakes to think about it. Lube is the least of my worries!

And could somebody please tell my husband that dryness does not mean that I hate him!!

Iris said...

OMG, you crack me up!! I cannot wait for the story where Rooster Girl and The Mayor find the Lube Stash..........that one is gonna be a classic!

Mamma said...

So I'm not the only one who has thought about putting a lock on my nightstand drawer? THANK GOD!!

I don't worry so much about Big Brother finding my's when the wee munchkins find the colored condoms (that I got in some freebie pack) and run around asking me to blow up the balloons!!

Starrlight said...

Ok that was funny! But seriously, screw big brother. Or don't as he is probably a lame-o. Nothing beats the freedom of going to a Porn Store, excuse me, Adult Entertainment Mega Outlet, and slamming that vibrating toy down on the counter and proudly proclaim, This Is BOB and he is ALL mine.

I actually did that. The guy at the store laughed so much he nearly died. They gave me 3 packs of batteries on the house :P

Karana said...

I don't even know what to say that was so funny. :)
Sorry my blog hasn't been updated lately - I attempted to switch to Blogger Beta and now I can't access my blog at all. I am hoping someone from Blogger will fix it, but we're going on 6 days now. *sigh*

Melissa said...

Well, did the lube work as expected?

And honey, I'll order things for you, I don't care a whit for who knows what!

Betty said...

You've outdone yourself this time OTJ!! I'm still in tears reading this.

The Medium Swede said...

I have a few ideas on the lubed hand, however.....

mamatulip said...

Good Lord woman, you are funny.

And can I tell you how relieved I am that you addressed the ancestoral spying? That's something that I think about more often than I probably should, LOL.

Blog Antagonist said...

You don't have a "sex towel?" I thought everybody had a sex towel. You really need a sex towel.

My husband couldn't care less about who sees him buying what, so he gets to buy embarassing goods. It doesn't even embarass him to buy feminine hygeine products for me. I struck gold with him, that's for sure.

karrie said...


Our drawer also contains a pack of baby wipes. Blog antagonist: the idea of a sex towel scares me. Either it is rarely washed or it means more laundry for me. No way!

We're lucky to have our pick of several Gap-ified sex stores. They're so clean, bright and well-organized that I have to stop myself from asking what they have in stock in a nice cashmere blend in my size.

Fran said...

Remind me to tell you about the time I saw the large black leather "slide" sling thing under our friend's bed (hint: His initials are JS...)...that and the handprint of lube on the wall. Seems like Mark knew what to do with his lube. :)

These are the things we should be concerned with...seriously.


Shannon said...

Holy cow, the stitch in my side. And I can so relate, not that I'd ever blog about it having nowhere near your ???? balls? We are also from the land of the dry here now. Luckily, I also have a husband who is not afraid to venture into the darker regions of adult toy stores, etc. - and ask questions when the occasion demands! Mighty handy man to have around, in so many ways....

cain29 said...

I love your blog. That is hilarious. I must find some of this magical lube as well. The plight of motherhood....
Found you through ROFL awards. I must return. Click....adding you to favorites. Hee hee.

jen said...

you are so hilarious.

email me your address, i'll buy the lube next time i am at good vibrations and mail it to you. i'll even address it to the Mayor, so no one catches on...

cain29 said...

Oh by the way, if you wanna stop by I am This whole google account/blogger beta thing has me all messed up.

mrsfortune said...

So, does it work??? Does it really dry right off your hand, because I totally agree with you about the whole yucky hand issue.

QT said...

Ok - that was funny. Babywipes are everywhere in my home, and that is the only solution. Or the stack of cheap hand towels. I think you can buy a pack of 45 at Costco for $5.

And yes - we need to know if it worked or not -ancestral spying be damned!

Oh, The Joys said...

Okay, okay. So think "Purel-ish" thoughts and you'll have the basic peformance idea - at least in the realm of air drying effectiveness.

Mel said...

Okay, but... but... if it air-dries quickly off your hand, won't it air-dry quickly off your... other bits? Or friction-dry? Or something?
The mind, it is boggling.

Isepik said...

I am certainly very happy I didn't read this at work today. I'm not sure I would have been able to accomplish a thing. Who thinks about those types of things and POSTS them at 8:43am? :)

OTJ, you have a large hairy pair of cajones (I hope I spelled it correctly :)

I guess you have to marinade the chicken before you bake it, eh? :)

That post made my day.

Marcie said...

A post on lube! And the nightstand drawer?
Girl, you crack me up!

ewe are here said...

This is hysterical. Really.

Luckily, nothing really seems to phase my husband in that department.

Anonymous said...


But did it work as promised? That's what I really want to know.

- Mrs. Chicky

(I am seriously hating Blogger right about now. It won't let me use my account because I'm not signed up for beta. Grrrrr.)

Pendullum said...

Oh Jessica... I have read this three times...and still howl every single time...
This is a classic...
And I hope to GOD the Mayor does not find a packet while Grandma Seattle is visiting...

Do you have a lock for that drawer???

Cece said...

OMG that was hilarious! And right after my post, yesterday, about having to visit a naughty store by myself! LMAO

sweatpantsmom said...

This is hysterical.

You had me at 'Yippee Yahoo Region.'

Moobs said...

Great post! For me the problem was not ancestors but the Guardian Angels sweet Sister Juliana told me about in Cathecism. There is nothing so calculated to put you off your stroke than the thought of a glowing winged creature tutting disapprovingly from the corner of the room.

urban-urchin said...

My husband won't hold my purse in public but has no problem buying lube. Go figure.

Lotta said...

Aaaah yes the nightstand drawer. Second only to the sock drawer as the two top places to snoop when you are babysitting. And I did. And they do! We zip ours up in a case and hide it in the sweater drawer along with the magic wand (don't ask it was a whim). If anyone tries to borrow a cardigan they are gonna get an eyeful.

By the way, the sheet fret. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I've also perfected the "catcher's mitt" good for grabbing airborne (ahem) liquids so you don't have to change the sheets.

Hilarious entry as always!

MommyWithAttitude said...

Oh you are too much!

And I am totally with K! I needed lube after each birth and was so embarrassed to buy it! Not because everyone would know what I was going to DO with it (I'm an old married lady, I can DO IT if I want to!) but because it was like shouting, YOOHOO! I'M ABNORMAL AND I CAN'T GET AROUSED! to all who would listen.

Who can deal with that kind of stress post-partum???

Girl In Her Underwear said...

What the heck!? I just wrote you a major essay about how hilarious you are and how Ironman is now addicted to your blog, too! Where did it go? Basically I was saying this and the bra buying post should be nominated for a ROFL award, and if I ever get caught up with life I need to nominate you! Sorry to be so scattered lately, but you definitely should be recognized for your wonderful humor!

Kate said...

I just found your website last week and I'm reading through some of your older entries. This one made me snort. You are too funny!

Grant said...

That's hilarious! I found your blog during a bout of random MyBlogLog surfing and it's most entertaining :-)

By the way, you might find the third advert in this compilation quite amusing. I couldn't help laughing despite the fact that there's something just so wrong about it!

Damselfly said...

Hahaha, lube hand, right!