Monday, December 11, 2006

Why Dick Should Retire It All

For a long time, I worked closely with an older man named Dick. We had a great working relationship.

When he was retiring, he asked if I'd like to go out for a farewell lunch with him.

I accepted without hesitation. I would miss working with Dick.

At the lunch, he revealed that his wife was chronically depressed and had spent the last few years in an institution.

[I thought, "Oh, how tragic!"]

Dick then went on to tell me how this had led him to seek out and conduct many extra-marital love affairs.

[
Now I thought, "Hello?! Too much information, Dick!"]

He continued talking and told me that he was the kind of lover that could keep an erection for three to four hours ensuring that his partner had up to 45 orgasms in one love making session.

[At this point I did a mental eye roll and thought, "Earth to you, Dick. There isn't a woman in the whole history of womanhood that would want you hammering away at her for three to four hours.]

Then Dick said, "How does that sound to you?"

[I thought, "Did you just...? Oh. No. You. Didn't."]

I set my fork down, turned to look him in the eye and said, "Tedious as hell, Dick. That sounds tedious as hell."

I mean, really.

Me thinks Dick needs to hang it ALL up... or learn The Secret of Love.

When I was in college I briefly dated Tortured Poet Guy (TPG).

TPG was by far and away too intense for me but, at the time, I was attracted to men boys I thought I could rescue from their own deepness. (Ha!)

In the short time that I dated TPG I traveled to Colorado with him to stay at his Dad's house and go skiing.

Unlike his son, Tortured Poet Guy's father was this magnanimous, salt-of-the-Earth, fun time Charlie who revealed to us, over dinner, the much sought after truth... The Secret of Love.

In an very hammed up, fake Italian accent the father of TPG told us...

"When-a you know the secret of-a love... you can-a make-a love for up-a to FIVE WHOLE MINUTES!"

I am thirty nine years old.

I have two toddlers.

I go to bed at 9:30 p.m. and wake up at 5:47 a.m. every single day.

Dick's offer?

Not even if he was dressed as a National Park Ranger.

35 comments:

Jenny said...

Okay, I cannot stop laughing and I so freaking love this whole damn post.

Plain Jane Mom said...

Sorry Dick, but really, who has that kind of time? Good lord...

Sayre said...

Sounds exhausting and not at all fun. Poor Dick - sounds like he's one of those rare Viagra side effects! He really should go see a doctor...

Besides, who would want a Dick when you've got a K?

Tabba said...

Sick Dick. Sick, sad Dick.
The father of the TPG is pretty wise....I know Ravioli & I feel better after knowing that little nugget of information ;)!!!! Good times. Good times. I need to either start doing kegels again or wear incontenency pads when I stop by here!! Is that TMI?

Megan said...

ARE YOU FOR REAL?!?!?!?!? I mean, Dick, not you.
Did you ever go for the 5 minutes with TPG's dad?

Anonymous said...

OK, thanks for the laugh of the day. Isn't it amazing when you get "hit" on and it is such a total "last thing on earth you expected". I don't know about you, but then I end up wondering, now why didn't I see that coming - like it's me who is not "with it" instead of the wacko! Love, Mom

Lotta said...

Tell me you really said that! You are my hero - I would have drawn a blank and then thought of all that later sitting in front of my computer. I love you! And yes, no lady wants to be hammered at for 3 hours. No lady has that kind of time for Christ sakes! Not that I would complain if we could work our way up to 20 minutes....ahem.

KC said...

Um...if someone said that to me I would have a) busted out laughing, b) barf a little bit into my mouth or c) a little of both.

Seriously I can't think of a worse hell.

jen said...

dick sounds well, kinda like a dick.

you, though..are hilarious.

i can't imagine why you didn't jump on it spot on. i mean, really.

mad muthas said...

yep - this is something men so don't get when they go for viagra. the very best experience a woman with kids can have in bed is ... 8 hours uninterrupted sleep! (i think the scientists call it 'dormus non-interruptus')

mamatulip said...

Yikes. Put it away, Dick!

Nikki said...

LMAO

HA! Dick, go take more lithium man - you need it.

I can't believe he approached you like that!!!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

He's Klassy

Mamma said...

I think someone liiikes you.

Oh utterly uncomfortable!! I guess you won't miss him as much now, huh?

Blog Antagonist said...

What the heck makes men think women want them to ride them for hours on end? Honestly, about five minutes of that and I'm good. It's the foreplay that demands staying power.

I would never be able to look poor Dick in the face again without laughing. You are one stalwart lady.

Girl In Her Underwear said...

WHAT in thah HECK!??? I kept waiting for the punch line, and that was for real!!!! What an appropriate name for Dick! He sounds like a total DICK! I am so disgusted. SO disgusted with DICK! 45 orgasms? FORTY five. FOOOOORTY five???? That's like...that's like...forty FIVE???
That's like eating so much chocolate that you throw up forty times. It starts off tasting good, but by the time you've eaten that much you can't help but throw up. I'm so sick I can't even think straight. How long must Dick have planned his speech to you? And how many years was he fantasizing about introducing you to 5 hour Dick? I'm so grossed out! Poor you!

Manic Mom said...

OK, he was named very appropriately. Ha.

Momish said...

Taking the moniker given to him much too seriously! I don't know how you could have possible retained your composure! You are my idol!

Fran said...

I am rolling through the list of people I know you've worked with trying to think of who it could be....hmmmmmm.

Fran.

Her Bad Mother said...

Please tell me that you really said that 'tedious' line. LOVE IT.

And, hell YEAH to the rest of it. Hours? Step off.

cmhl said...

how does that sound to YOU baybee?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!! hahah! what a DICK!

SJ said...

Best use of the word "tedious" ever. Have I had 45 orgasms in the past year? GOD, I hope so.

Rachel said...

Ewwwww. But I like your comeback.

Alice in Wonderbread said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

What a glorius comeback! I wish I could have seen it real-time.

ewe are here said...

I hope that after you said it sounded 'tedious', you got to say: "See Dick slink away."

This is hysterical. Really. I'm still snickering. And slightly horrified at Dick all at the same time!

Starrlight said...

That post killed me. What is it with guys thinking that sounds appealing?! *IF* it were even possible and I think pigs will fly out Dick's butt before that happens.

Karen Forest said...

"45 orgasms"....And he believed the chick that told him that? I bet she kept faking thinking that eventually he would stop. Enough already! Give it up DICK!

I am not sure who nominates who for the ROFL awards....but this gets my vote.

Two Knives said...

No, he didn't, he didn't say, that, lah, lah, I can't hear you.

Heather said...

3 hours? Are you kidding me? This is a man who has, obviously, not been with many women. I don't know a single woman who would want to have sex for even close to that long! Not to mention, who the hell has three hours to devote to that? Not with kids you don't! YUCK! I think I might have laughed in his face!!!!! Men! Will they ever learn?

The Sour Kraut said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Sour Kraut said...

Don't Sting and his wife claim to have something like 6 hour lovemaking sessions?

As my good friend says to her husband, "I'm off to sleep, just pull my nighty down when you're done."

urban-urchin said...

That is the best response to the most inappropriate and gross come-on.

You are so funny.

MommyWithAttitude said...

Oh my God! DICK is quite handy with the ladies... ROFL!

Paige said...

I think I would have wanted to scrub and scrub and scrub myself until I was rosy with cleanliness after having had lunch with this..."man."

But I laughed out loud at your "that sounds tedious" comment. Hilarious!

Mom101 said...

Your retort is just perfect, and the kind of thing I would have thought of the next day, while at the time instead answering, "um...um..."

Good for you! What a dick.

Kate Sanford said...

Just found this. Like it a lot. Just one question... um, did he know what "tedious" meant?

Inquiring minds.....

(three hours? what a moron.)