Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Rude Awakening

K went to see about The Mayor and Rooster Girl when random cries woke us this morning.

I shut my eyes tighter and tried to pretend that I was still asleep.

K will often let me stay in bed when only one of the kids is awake.

Half a second later, the bedroom door opened and K, The Mayor and Rooster Girl all stood in its frame.

“Mommy, I’m all wet,” The Mayor announced.

Welcome to the butt crack of dawn at The House of Joy.

Though every member of my family DESPERATELY NEEDED ME RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I really had to pee.

I stumbled up and went to the bathroom and The Mayor followed.

I took his wet pants and pull-up off and asked if he needed to use the potty.

He said no, so I sat down.

The Mayor asked to sit on my lap and I pulled him up.

Perhaps in a few years I’ll be able to go to the bathroom without a child on my lap… ah, to dream.

The Mayor’s little, nude tush felt vaguely wet.

I tried once again to pretend little boy pee was great for my skin.

But no.

When he got down, I realized that my thighs were covered, not in pee, but in diarrhea.

CRAP

72 comments:

canape said...

I so didn't see that coming. Then again, I guess you didn't either. Wow.

Lotta said...

"Welcome to the butt crack of dawn", could you be more of a verbal wizard?

And, ugh you poor poor thing. It's so hard to get that ass smell off yourself. You might not want to smell your lap for a few days.

Nikki said...

I've had the poop surprise myself. Can't say I cared for it...and wouldn't care for it even if it was gift wrapped.

Long Island Dad said...

Oh, The Joys! Hot showers all around... "Where's that damn steel wool pad?"

Iris said...

Your way with words is amazing, I can so envision what you saw as you tried to lay there pretending to still be asleep, I can almost feel that cold, wet feeling.....luckily, I didn't have to!

Have a great day!!!

Karly said...

I do believe I made that same exact face as I read that last sentence.

Bleh!

Christina_the_wench said...

Mom or not, I woulda tossed my cookies right then and there.

Becky said...

ROTFLMAO to the poo-poo in the tub post from August. But BLECH to the diahrrea on your lap! Oh, poor you!!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Fantastic. Gotta love THAT at the buttcrack of dawn.

Mad Hatter said...

Holy jumpin' jehosephet!!! After all these months of reading mommy blogs, I am still surprised EVERY TIME when the punch line involves feces.

Crap. Crap.

Izzy said...

I can no longer count the times I've been the recipient of some little beings bodily functions. Good thing they're so cute, right?

Gingers Mom said...

Ah yes, I think all us mommies have been there. Ick ick ick. My son had diarrea in the bathtub the other night while he was with his sister. Ew!!
I hear we are supposed to feel honored to be so indispensible because some day it won't be that way. Do you buy that?

Bob said...

I SO do not miss those days.

"You might not want to smell your lap for a few days."

I am impressed by anyone who can smell their own lap.

julia said...

Oh, gag. I would have puked all over the bathroom.

*note to self* Never hold naked, wet child while on toilet.

Kristin said...

Oh Mayor, Mayor, Mayor... I never saw that coming!

Veronica Mitchell said...

I wish I could say I didn't know the feeling.

Michelle said...

Oh no. Those are days I'm really not looking forward to.

Jeff said...

yeeooww!

Wow... thankfully my daughter doesn't have any interest in sitting on my lap while I'm in the bathroom. She's far more interested in trying to get under the sink and discover the wonderfully coloured bottles of cleaning products.

Jen said...

holy crap....(shudder) ... note to self: Do not complain when daughter awakens me at 4:30...remember at least she ain't poppin a squat on you....

Girl In Her Underwear said...

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! So sorry for you and your lap! On this rare opportunity my computer is letting me leave you a comment without shutting down my computer, I must also respond to two other things.

1. Ha ha! Got the message on that MyBlogLog site that YOU didn't know what it was either! I only did it because I trusted YOU knew what you were doing! How in the world did I not party, do drugs, or have sex in high school? Thank goodness I was a total nerd or else the peer pressure of friends would have ruined me. I would have jumped off cliffs and everything.

2. About the alcohol ban on Sundays...you're lucky! We have a lot of cities in Texas that are dry ALL the time. You have to drive to another town to get alcohol. Isn't that smart?

When I lived outside of Dallas, Ironman asked me to buy some beer for the guys working on our house. Seeing as I never buy alcohol, I went to the convenience store and they looked at me like I was insane. Apparently Lewisville was dry, but I could drive five minutes to Highland Village to their liquor mecca. So screwed up!

Kevin Charnas said...

oh...my...god...

maybe the dogs are enough...maybe we don't want to adopt. maybe i need a drink at 8:30 in the morning.

Mamma said...

Yeah, that's not so good for the skin.

Ah!!!! The joys....

Kevin Charnas said...

nice teeth, by the way.

Dirty Birdie said...

Wow...nothing says good morning mom like water shit in your lap.

Oh the Joys indeed.

nutty mummy said...

it's the photo that really made it for me... I woulda just been like .... oh crap... and then sat there for a bit trying to put off having to deal with it...

When I got woken at 4.44 this morning, I also thought... if I just keep my eyes closed maybe he'll get up and I can just fake deep deeeeep sleep :)

Sayre said...

OMG - that is classic. I've had just about every bodily fluid spewed on me in the 7 1/2 years of my Mommy career - can't say as it does much for the skin, however.

P.S. My word verification is "hauznsh". I can imagine you saying that in your picture!

Cece said...

Oh no! I seriously don't miss those days of being waken by a pee drenched child. Every now & a blue moon, my 4y.o. will wake up like that. Most of the time its b/c she got cold in the night when her blankets fell off.

I hope he's feeling better. Add that to the trauma's of motherhood. ;-)

MamaLee said...

Ah, the gift that keeps on giving.

You poor girl. We'll laugh about this one day.

xoxo

Dan said...

I tried once again to pretend little boy pee was great for my skin.

Being that it's lunchtime, I just knew that I shouldn't have read past the point where you went into the bathroom with the Mayor. But I did anyway.

I guess I'll be eating a light lunch again. Really light.

Oh! Awesome photo! But not a profile photo! I love your current one (as you know)! :)

Tabba said...

oh.dear.lord.
your gross, real life moment = my entertainment.
I'm sorry. Really I am.

that picture of your juicy self is dee-lish....too funny.

Love your 'stuff' and YOU!

wayabetty said...

I guess that would be grosser than gross!! OMG!

Lisa said...

Ohhh. Not. Good.

What a way to start your day...

BethGo said...

There are just no words. Poor Mayor. Poor you.

Sarah said...

That is so gross.

Note to self- no holding naked wet kids till you know why they're wet...

Mrs. Chicky said...

Oh no! I don't think anyone can convince themselves that that is good for the skin.

Ick.

PunditMom said...

I know you can't wait until the word 'privacy' is in their vocabulary! So sorry!

Mel said...

Oh, god. I screeched!

Two Faces said...

NOOOOO. Ugh. OK, I'll stop complaining about Twinkle waking up at various times during the night.

To "girl in her underwear", I live in that liquor mecca - it's a very odd thing

carrie said...

I have been there, at least for half of it. The better half, I am afraid.

So sorry about your morning. I hope the shower was right next to the potty and you dove right in, with the mayor.

Carrie

ps. love the pic.

QueenieBadd said...

You got me on that one-THAT has never happened to me.

So sorry.

But pictures of you, as emoticons? Priceless.

Kristen said...

I was eating a chicken finger...but I'm not anymore.

Slackermommy said...

Oh girl! That's just bad and terribly funny. I nearly peed on myself!

Nicole said...

WOW! That is a little more than gross. Better you than me! :)

Mama G said...

Note to self. Never allow V to sit on my lap while I'm peeing. Done.

Thanks! :-) This is the second post I've read today about poop. Tis the season?

Dirty Birdie said...

You do have very clean teeth though, I'm impressed.

FishyGirl said...

Oh, too funny. I'm so glad mine don't want to sit on my lap while I pee - instead my 2 year old does the "Privacy, Mommy!" thing and shuts the door when she pees, and then plays in the pot when she's done. Fun times!

Thank God for Clorox wipes.

ewe are here said...

I'm sorry. That's horrible, and I'm sitting here laughing my *ss off. I even felt the need to share it with my husband who was wondering why I was laughing.

Needless to say, MF will not be allowed to sit on my lap EVER while I am peeing.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Oh man, and i thought changing a wet bed last night and pajamas, at 2am with a little one trying to climb up into my lap half asleep, smelling like pee, was bad. OOOOOOOH! Hope everything is, well, solid, by now for you!

The Sour Kraut said...

Eew! Eew! Eew!

carmachu said...

Ahahahahahahahaha,

You really should sign a TV deal for a sitcom. You just cant make this stuff up....

Paige said...

Ohhhh...poor Mayor.

And poor you.

Under the circumstances, are you sure you still want to meet for coffee on Thurs? Maybe we should make it a cocktail instead...

Moobs said...

Suddenly I don't feel so bad about the IVF having failed :-)

KC said...

Mmmm....diarrhea. Nothing like that on your thighs to start the day off right.

QT said...

Jesus Christ, I knew when you walked into the bathroom something bad was going to happen. Thank god I wasn't eating!

I hope the Mayor feels better. And you get clean...somehow.

Karana said...

I would love to write something funny and clever, but all I can offer are my deepest sympathies. And I'm glad that this is blogland because I would not be able to say that with a straight face. :)

deb said...

It really is true, shit happens. It happens here too. Thanks for the chuckle.

urban-urchin said...

poop or not J, you are really pretty- even pulling faces.

Not an hour ago I had a teeny toddler on my lap while I was on the throne. I can count the number of times I've gone to the bathroom 'alone' in the last 7 years on one hand...

Momish said...

I will just buy stock in Pampers and keep her in them until she can move on up to Depends. Ugh!

jen said...

well...gross.

Joyless in the house of Joy.

if we were neighbors, I'd be trotting over with martinis.

Gina - Liam's Mom said...

(No time to read all 59 comments, you popular woman you... so if my comment is a repeat, sorry.)

WOW, I didn't expect that surprise ending! Thanks for sharing your story... you are safe here ;)

Alpha Dogma said...

I've touched shit 8 times today. None of it mine.
Such is motherhood.
You are way too funny, J.

Jen3 @ Amazing Trips said...

Nice. Sounds kind of sorta like the start to my day. Actually, I'd chose yours.

And if you can see what time it is as of this posting - today may sadly, for me, be a repeat of yesterday, here at the homestead. I'm looking for the nearest cliff to jump off of...

I hope he's feeling better, today.

shoopska said...

Oh dear lord, that is some unforgettable start to a day.

I feel for you, and yet... is it wrong to be kinda glad it happened because then I got to read about it and burst out laughing here at my desk?

mad muthas said...

well, it's cheaper than creme de la mer ...

Natalie said...

I have nothing to say but WOW that is nasty. Oh, and great picture!

Audacity said...

That was hilarious.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Wow! It just doesn't get ANY better than that! I had a similar experience with Junior Mayhem, except instead of the big D, it was vomit. Nothing like stumbling into a dark room in the middle of the night and putting your hand in a huge pile of it! NICE!

karrie said...

mad muthas: creme de la merde is more like it.

nikki said...

haven't had the poo surprise, but my two yr old aaron has hurled chunks all down my back and under my shirt. i can't decide which one i'd prefer, poo or puke.....

BlondeMom said...

I believe you and I are somehow kindred spirits because until this very moment I have never known anyone to use the crack of dawn's butt phrase BUT ME. (except yeah I turn it around and say crack of dawn's butt.)

That photo is freaking hilarious and quite fitting...OHMYLORD.

Attila The Mom said...

Awwww man....didn't see that coming!

Mama Drama Jenny said...

Oh. My. God.

That was awesome....I mean um...terrible.

So terrible I'm sending it to all my friends.