Tuesday, February 27, 2007

On The Table

"Please don't let me poop on the table!!"

This was the mantra of my "pregnancy group", which later became my "new mom's group" and is now my "weary, run-down mom's group."

When we began meeting, we were five women, all pregnant for the first time, all scheduled to give birth within four months of each other.

In the months leading up to our due dates, we shared the good, the bad and the ugly about our pregnancies with one another.

We heard rumors, hushed whispers and murmurings of women pooping on the delivery table during child birth.

Pooping on the table was not included in any of our carefully written birth plans.

We were terrified.

We wrung our hands.

We each prayed desperately in private, "Please God, don't let ME be the one that poops on the delivery table."

In April of 2004, the first baby from our group was born -- a baby girl!

Her mom was the last one to arrive at our next gathering with the powder fresh baby in tow snuggled into her brand new infant car seat.

To the remaining four of us, all in our third trimester, our no-longer-pregnant friend looked runway thin.

She stood before us as we ogled her infant.

"Ladies," she said with the confidence of a queen, "I pooped on the table... and I guarantee you that when your time comes, you will not give a flying f*ck about it one way or another."

And with that, she set us free.

Free

88 comments:

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I say, poop on that table proudly.

When on earth will you ever be able to do that again without getting arrested?

Why not.

By the way, I didn't poop on the table. Did you?

Sayre said...

I don't think I pooped on the table.... but then I had an epidural and a c-section so that isn't where the pressure was. But feeling my boy squirming around in there, and jumping up and down on my insides as he tried to dodge the doctor's grasping fingers, I'm pretty sure there was at least a fart to liven things up...

The Sour Kraut said...

Say it loud...Say it proud...I'm table-pooper!!

I agree with your friend. The only thing I cared about was my epidural.

mamatulip said...

Poop with pride, is all I have to say. When I was about to deliver Julia I stopped everyone and started apologizing for "possibly" pooping on the table. The nurses kind of laughed and said, "Honey, you WILL poop on the table."

So I pushed for a good long while and during that time the one nurse kept wiping me down there. But I couldn't feel anything, so I didn't realize until after I'd delivered that she was wiping my ass because I was pinching so many loaves.

Working Gal said...

I have no idea - all I know, is I had a deal with my husband and all nurses: DON'T TELL ME, one way or the other, I don't want to know.

Ignorance is bliss.

Kendra said...

Right on, set yourself free. Similar worry, similar situation but I was delivering at the hospital I worked in. Oh boy, now everyone will get to see me take a sh*t from a birds eye view. Oh well, I'm not even sure if it happened. Being a nurse, I can tell you it doesn't freakin' matter!

SciFi Dad said...

My wife did not poop on the table, nor was it really ever a consideration, actually.

Interesting how many of the comments acknowledge knowing about this ahead of time.

Ryan said...

I think I stumbled onto something I shouldn't have...

A room full of table poopers.

DD said...

I think in the book, Girlfriend's Guide, I read about the table pooping and I was a little freaked out myself.

I really wish I had pooped on the table because trying to do so after a c-section is like having someone scoop it out with a grapefruit spoon.

Mad Hatter said...

Ya, I wouldn't even know if I pooped on the table. That was sooooo not the point in the end.

Tabba said...

Oh, I soooooo pooped on the table. With each push, trying to free Connor, another turd. And with each turd, an apology. Like that was going to make it all the better for the nurse who had to keep cleaning it up - or to Rav who, trying to witness the birth of his first born and (only)son, got to watch a whole other show instead.
Just F*ing poop on the table & don't worry about it!!

Amber said...

Sniff. Beautiful. Simply beautiful. If only I had such support like that....

Catizhere said...

I was too busy screaming to notice at the time. I didn't though.
I asked the nurse afterwards.

HAHAHAHA!! word verification begins with BM!!!

Melissa R. Garrett said...

LOL! Oh my goodness - kudos to you all for acknowledging the inevitable. I had HORRIBLE pregnancies but each one redeemed itself in the end. My babies practically flew out on their own, lightening speed and with nary a push. I've helped deliver many babies and your friend is right - when push (ha!) comes to shove, you are hardly concerned about a little poop when so many other things are coming out too!

Kelly said...

I don't know if I pooped on the table or not. After 26 hours of labor I was delirious. I ended up pushing for 3 more hours and then had a c-section. I hope I pooped on the table. It would have made all of that pushing meaningful!;)

Kevin Charnas said...

You're all goddesses I say.

MOTHERS ARE GODDESSES!!!!

pooping on the table and all.

Damselfly said...

I don't know if I POTT, and I don't wanna know. But you're right -- at that point, you don't even care.

TSM said...

I don't think I pooped on the table with any of mine, that I remember. But there many MANY moments that *would* have been embarassing, had I given a crap. No pun intended.

MamaLee said...

Three c-sections and no poop.

Sounds like a bad movie title!

wayabetty said...

THAT was hilarious!! I don't remember if I ever did poop on the table with my three children. I'm going to have to ask the hubbie tonight. Yeah, that certainly was not one of the things that I worried about. It was how to get this freaking baby out of my body NOW!!

Dirty Birdie said...

ROFLMAO - Girl you are too funny. I was totally worried about pooping on the table too. But I was MORE worried about the epidural, I envisioned this 2 foot needle going into my back. I was terrified. I never had the opportunity to poop on the table however, as I never dilated past 1 and had to have a c-section.

Have you read Jenny McCarthy's book Belly Laughs? She talks about pooping on the table. It's hysterical.

wayabetty said...

Oh, I forgot to mention that after birth, the nurse had to make sure that you pee out a certain amount of blood and I farted the loudest and the longest fart ever. Boy, I apologized profusely but she was like "no problem, it's not the first time, just let it out!" Man, they don't pay nurses enough money, that's for sure!!

Above Average Joe said...

I can't tell you if Mrs. Joe did or not for our two. I didn't look below her neck. Hell, I didn't even cut the chord. Besides, with everything else going on down there, what's a little poop?

jen said...

that's funny...because i was terrified of it even during labor, i kept yelling, clean that shit up, now! and the nurse kept saying, honey, there's nothing there.

i can be such a ding dong.

Lotta said...

Frankly I told them to keep any mirrors well and away from that area so I have no idea if I pooped or not. And that's alrighty with me!

A.J.Reams said...

Yes, I pooped on the table. There...I said it! [blushing]

I told the nurse I had to use the bathroom and she wouldn't let me. I said "you don't undersand, I NEED to use the bathroom!" She still wouldn't let me go.

...hey, that's what she gets!

Lisa said...

I was petrified of that as well. And did well until our last. I didn't even know I did it - my husband was kind enough to tell me later that day. I was mortified!

Jill said...

I POTT with my first child, and was so scared I would do it again with the second. No worries, though. I had three babies with no POTT!

Sarah said...

I totally pooped on the table and did not care AT ALL.

With my first there were like 15 people in the room because of the shift change and I didn't care either.

BOSSY said...

And with that we surrender all dignity.

Nancy said...

Nope, not a pooper here, but indeed, at that point I couldn't have cared less if I did. I was at a teaching hospital and was worried when I was told interns may be with me during labor, and would be checking progress. By the final stages, it wouldn't matter if the janitor wanted to don a rubber glove for inspection, modesty was out the window and things of that nature just didn't matter.

Gingers Mom said...

That is so true. You couldn't pssibly care less what happens at that point. But we all obsess about it. I farted like a banshee while my midwife stitched me up and everyone else was ogling at my baby. Couldn't have cared less.

gingajoy said...

yes. indeed. i gave birth to a healthy baby boy and a nice little poo-poo we called stan.

and as Mama Tulip says, Poop with Pride. Poop With Pride!

gingajoy said...

and then there were stan's brothers: barry, gareth, and stalin.

Abbynormal said...

OH MY GOSH! Thank you. This seriously set me free. I've heard you won't care one way or another as long as you aren't constipated anymore you know where. Can you call it that? Oh my gosh I'm terrified for babies and they are even still a long way off. Thanks for this very comforting post.

The Queen Mama said...

Or if you follow the advice of my fabulous gyno and try to induce your labor with castor oil (mixed with O.J. in an attempt to make it go down easier...soooo didn't help) you'll spend half the night in the john with intestinal sensations so ghastly that they must've made your water break through sheer seismic force.

And then, what do you know? Nothing left to poop on the table.

I really don't recommend castor oil to induce labor. Works a little too well.

Kim said...

thanks a lot for freaking me out!

I haven't been pregnant (yet) but now here's something else for me to worry about!

I'm sure I won't care when push comes to shove (ha!)...but I'll care until I get there...

megachick said...

i didn't POTT, although i was a little nervous about it. my problem was i couldn't pee. i soooo needed to. the nurse was all "go ahead, we've got absorbent pads down." i said, "you don't understand: i physically can't make it come out!" with a little help from a catheter and 500cc less liquid in the way, a slow labor turned right around.

Chrissy said...

I have been sitting here ROTFLMSO. My dear son is awake - I can hear in the monitor, but I can't stop reading these in the middle!
I was so afraid of the pooping prior to delivery. I asked my mom if I did after and she said no - but I seem to remember some wiping going on. Hmmmm. I bet mom was trying to spare me the pain. I'm going to ask dear husband when he gets home tonight!

Roy said...

Geez, three kids later and I don't remember any POTT... but I do remember my wife complaining about "blowing her ace out" from so much pushing. Of course, the last one was born 13 years ago; I've slept since then, so details are sketchy at best...

http://royboy81.cassas.net

Momish said...

I too was terrified of this happening to me. And your friend is 100% correct, in the end it didn't matter. To this day, I cannot tell you if I did or didn't. I suppose my husband knows that answer, but he's not talking!

rookiemom said...

You know, I'm not sure if I did or not. Husband says he thinks I might have, but he was so shellshocked at that point that the nurses couldn't even get him to cut the cord. Tell you what though? After they got that epidural in, I gave not a shit. (No pun intended!) Seriously, no one told me how you lose all sense of modesty while in labor. Something like 30 people saw my ass and other bits and I just didn't care. Poop? Not a concern.

creative-type dad said...

OMG! That's funny.

I'm laughing so hard, I think I have to poop on the table.

Chaos Control said...

Thank God for girlfriends who can tell you the down-and-dirty about pregnancy and birthing, eh? If it weren't for the one's that got very descriptive and specific in their warnings, I would have been horrified! Pregnant women today have blogs to read (like this one) to help educate them! Amen!

thordora said...

I never gave a crap either way. :)

But I did crap. But, after having two sets of hands up me to stop the bleeding, it was the least of my concern.

ewe are here said...

Aaaaaghhhh!

I managed to avoid this the first time around... but now, with just the very first line of your post, you've got me a bit freaked out about it again.

Although, I do have to say 'kudos' to your friend for making the announcement!

karrie said...

I guess you could say my son's birth involved plenty of poop and puke.

In the end though, the least of my worries. But I totally apologized the first 7 times I took a dump trying to push out Mr. Cephalopelvic Disporportion.

carrie said...

Oh Jesus!

That was my BIGGEST fear while birthing my 2nd - forget the fact that you're about to squeeze an almost ten-pounder outta your hoo-haa, please don't let me poop while doing it!!!

Thanks for the memories! :)

Carrie

Queen Karana said...

Hm, this is one honor I haven't had. C-sections for me - never even got to attempt pushing, so IF there was POOP on the table, well, that would be REALLY embarrassing as there really wouldn't be a reason for it to come out. Right?

Dirty Birdie said...

Gingajoy - ROFLMAO at Stan... ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha

Cece said...

I'm glad w/my first pregnancy I pooped SO MUCH the night before that I didn't have to poop when I delivered.

And the f'in nurse who didn't lube up the enima tube, if I saw her walking down the street I'd pull over & kick her ass!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Luckily for me, I was induced with both of my children....OH and they both took their SWEET time joining the world...so NO BM for this chick!

However, I had lost all my dignity in SO many other ways...it really did not matter!

Rock the Cradle said...

Hi. Linked over from Blog Antagonist. Glad I came!

Touching my Impling on her tiny hairy scalp before she fully came into the world was one of the most intense moments of my life.

Once you get to that point where you know that baby just has to come out, nothing else matters. The tearing, the pooping, the husband chanting "push push push"...

Aliki2006 said...

Well *I* did, and I'm proud of it...

Brynne said...

No pooping on the table?

That doesn't sound like any fun at all.

Becky said...

Hey man, I pooped on the table with my first one! THAT was what made my husband gag and have to leave the room! ROTFL!! My second one was an emergency c-section, though... no worries about pooping on the table there!

flutter said...

Well, I poop on the table as a matter of entertainment...why the hell wouldn't I if I am giving birth?!?!

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

I was a teenager the first time I heard of this happening. The guy I was dating, his mom told him about his birth story. She pood on the table and asked the dr if that was her baby. I laughed so hard at that story!!! It still makes me smile to imagine her saying, "Is that him?"

Flawed & Disorderly said...

Being that I knew I'd be sliced from hip to hip, I never had to worry about the poop thing. Whew!
But I can still relate to not caring about what's going on after giving birth. If I were at a bar, I would be uncomfortable with everyone lifting up my dress and touching me, but in a hospital, not so much.

MarriedToAMarine said...

I guess this post struck a nerve with many of us!
I don't know if I did or didn't. My husband and I have the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in full effect!

BamaGirl said...

Ok, Married to A Marine is also me. I guess I forgot I created that identity in 2005. Weird. Sorry.

Terri said...

OMG... that was my BIGGEST FEAR...

I worried the whole time I was delivering ... and that was one of the first words out of my mouth...was...

"did I poop"??

They said "No" and I was happy!!!

Girl,
you are so freaking funny...
the stuff you say!! You say things out loud that I just wonder and think about! I swear to God.. you crack me up!

Kristen said...

I know for sure I did- but I desparately wanted not to- but to be honest, there was nothing I could do about it- your bowels are loose from the contractions- so it's just gonna come out! Though I still wish I had been able to control it! What a control freak I am huh?

JR's Thumbprints said...

Yeah, especially if you're given an epideral and whatever other drugs to ease the pain. What matters here is a perfectly healthy baby and nothing less.

mel said...

Another table pooper here. Multiple times. The worst part was knowing it happened and watching my DR. WIPE. MY. ASS. There were many apologies. The Husband, who had elected to stay above the equator said..."the blood didn't bother me, but I wasn't prepared for the smell. They don't mention the smell. " I said "Yeah, because I crapped all over the place!" Good times. Shudder. Blush.

www.freakparade.wordpress.com

Mom on Coffee said...

I wish I had friends like that while I was pg, but I was the first of my girls to have kids. I didn't poop with the first 2, but #3, well, she's embarassed me for life. I was 9.5 centimeters and asked my midwife if I could go to the bathroom, she said no, that RP was coming and not to worry. I started pushing and literally screamed, "OMG I HAVE TO POOP". I wasn't lying either. Needless to say, I didn't leave my room until we left the next day.

Patience said...

I believe this is the poopiest post ever!

Mimi said...

I pooped on the table. With every. single. push. Every one. Poop. My husband is still in shock. Nope, they never warn you about this, and true also that you don't give a flying f*ck while it's happening, except, ur, the midwives can be a little rough with the cleanup ...

(just delurking. couldn't help myself)

Lux Lisbon said...

I thankfully did not poo on the table. I think it just fell directly to the floor.

Momma Bean said...

Yeah, I feared that too. (Un)lucky for me, I didn't have a chance to experience that joy, as I had a c/s. Maybe next time?

Iris said...

as a nurse, I have seen it happen more often than not. I have had girls in labour ask for the enema.... so they won't "poop on their baby's head"......

personally, not even going to go there.........

Slackermommy said...

I was spared from table pooping. I had all c-sections. Post surgery and after days of narcotics I would have been happy to poop anywhere!

Velma said...

How appropriate is it that I did it with my second child? GET IT? Number 2 with Number 2?!?

DraMa said...

Oh yes, that was the token fear of all the new moms to be I knew when I was pg with my first too! And we all heard the same thing...

"all the nurses have seen it before"
"they are discreet and wipe it away fast and you'll never know"
"at that point, you just won't care what's happening, just that the baby comes out healthy!"

but your story was MUCH funnier.

and just to freak your freak... when i was a kid we lived in Palatine and rolling meadows for a couple years. It was completely coincidence that i ended up back in the chicago land area... i'm way in the south burbs though.

Kristin said...

oh dear, this is where i will confess that, upon hearing that i would be having a c-section, thinking, "well, at least i don't have to worry about pooping on the table!"

Natalie said...

Wow I never knew. Reading blogs of mothers gives you lots of reasons not to have kids. But I really like kids.

NotSoSage said...

I've had the best laugh ALL month reading this post and the comments.

Ladies, even if you didn't poop on the table, you pooped. Maybe only a little bit, but you pooped. I promise you. If you didn't see it (or name it, gingajoy) then you had a very discrete caregiver who wiped it up for you.

I have had the lucky distinction of being the one to tell all of my soon-to-be-mom friends about this less than beautiful part of childbirth. But your friend is right, who gives a sh*t at that point?

Oh, but I did wonder whether the guy who sculpted Br1tney Spe@rs giving birth to her son represented that right of passage. All of the photos I've seen of the sculpture are from the front or the side (I can't think of why...)

NotSoSage said...

Tee hee, just noticed the pun in that third paragraph. Apparently we all give a sh*t.

If you don't know of it, here's the sculpture.

Jen3 @ Amazing Trips said...

I'm so glad to hear this since I'm contemplating a VBAC when our fourth baby is born in July.

Pooping on the table has definitely been a concern. I always think of my friend who told me that when she was in labor she was pushing, pushing, pushing ... and felt a TREMENDOUS relief. When she asked the doctor what she'd had, he laughed and said "A bowel movement!"

Ah, lovely.

Kyla said...

Okay...Josh says I didn't either time. But what if I did and he's really nice?? I still worry about it...normal or not. Any time it comes up in conversation (is it weird that is comes up in conversation around here?) he always says, "Don't worry, you didn't." But I do worry...because I think "Ewww...I could have done it and someone might have seen it!"

Jenny said...

At the hospital I went to they push the Triple H enema right before delivery. After that there's nothing left in your body to poop.

For weeks.

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Yeah, it's so true that you won't care at the time.

I have to say, that was one thing I worried about constantly leading up to going into labour...and then labour hit and well, that concern just went out the window along with worrying about my pride :)

I consider myself lucky that I didn't poop on the table, but I can almost guarantee there was some air!

Alpha DogMa said...

The worst part: when the nurses began passing out Altoids to combat the smell. To everyone but ME! WTF? Cos you know what? Your own pooh stinks too. Damn I needed that Altoid!

Alpha DogMa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
theotherbear said...

I am terrified of being pregnant because I hate the idea of pooping with people watching!

dgm said...

I have to laugh. As a two-time veteran of the c-section, I can tell you that the great fear is not pooping on the table. Rather, it's that first poop after the doctor has entangled your intestines when (s)he shoved your uterus back in after retrieving the baby. I like to refer to this as "the second delivery" of pregnancy--the one to fear more than the first because of its long gestation.

Ouch.

Kate said...

I don't know why the idea of pooping on the delivery table strikes me as so funny but this was hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!

Merry Mama said...

Praise GOd for freedom to poop on the table. I didn't need to, but, you know? Just in case I had.