Monday, March 05, 2007

Joyzilla: Terrifying Naked Woman! (and more about butts)

It wouldn’t be Oh, The Joys if I didn’t talk about butts again today.

Butts, butts, butts!

This blog is a veritable Butt Fiesta!

Yesterday I was in the locker room at the YMCA changing into my clothes after a swim and a shower.

A young girl was helping an even younger boy, presumably her brother, use the bathroom.

As he was finishing she said,

“Now let’s go and buy some chips!”
But the wee, young lad had other ideas.

“No, let’s go look at some BUTTS!”

…and WHOSE butt would be the nude one in the locker room at that very moment?

Uh huh, that would be mine.

Hello.

I used to swim at a public pool next to a downtown elementary school.

The children would routinely come to swim as part of their physical education program.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure I was often the highlight of most of those field trips.

Because of me, the eyes of thousands of young girls have grown to the size of saucers and then popped completely out of their heads because…

Beware!

Run screaming!

HELP US!!!

THERE IS A BLINDINGLY PALE, NAKED WOMAN IN THE LOCKER ROOM!!!

THE SIGHT OF HER IS BURNING OUR EYES!!!

I am, apparently, THAT frightening when naked.

I am The Boogie Woman in the flesh.

Great flapping buttocks! Save the children!

And while I’m talking about my butt…

Yesterday, when K was cooking breakfast sausage patties for him, The Mayor turned to me and ever so politely asked,

“Mommy, can I please put a piece of that sausage in your butt?”

Um, that would be no. NO!!!

Then he stood in front of the full length mirror and practiced saying, “Sausage in Mommy’s butt” for ten minutes.

…and no, NO, NO!!! He didn’t learn that from K or me.

Seriously.


Neither of us has ever even CONSIDERED putting breakfast sausage in our butts.

(At least not before now.)


ist2_124597_bathroom


roflfeb

84 comments:

Nancy said...

LMAO, glad you clarified they were sausage PATTIES, The Mayor keeps you on your toes for sure! Thanks for the morning laugh.

WILLIAM said...

Patties would be like sliding coins into a slot...now links on the other hand...

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I am so happy that our family isn't the only one out there obsessed with buttocks.

We are nuts. We love butts, asses, farting, doodies all of it...and we're a proud group if ass-lovers too.

My daughter now is so obsessed with the dog's bunghole that I have to keep her away from him. I have already found her trying to sodomize him on more than one occasion this weekend. Jeez.

Can I come over?

slouching mom said...

OK, that's it. From this moment forward, no more sausage links in my house. We're switching to patties. I have a vivid imagination, and I know you were talking patties, but still. Still.

Em said...

There are now thoughts and images in my head that will be with me for the entire day. Sausage patties. Blindingly pale butts. Naked locker room images. This will be a twisted day.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I have a mental image of a large Jimmy Dean sausage patty being slide through your butt cheeks like an ATM machine. Not the image I wanted first thing in the morning. No, not the image I wanted at all.

No offense to your butt, of course.

SciFi Dad said...

I'm still worrying about the chain of events that ends with a (how old is he? 5?) year old kid putting sausage patty in someone's (let alone Mommy's) butt.

And do we even want to know this story's relationship to the change room one?!? ;)

Heather said...

Out of the mouths of babes. Sounds to me like you have a butt man in the making!

Little Monkies said...

Reminds me of that Eddie Murphy song "Put the Boogie in Your Butt, Put the Boogie in Your Butt"...

Put a ... in your butt...

Maybe you could get that for the Mayor. Dana would love it.

Groovy Lady said...

LOL.. Yikes! I draw the line at anything being put in my butt.. sausage patties included. A girl has to have her standards ya know.

Perhaps you should introduce The Mayor to the little boy in the changing room at the Y. With both of them being "butt men".. it should make for some very interesting conversations.

Robin said...

It's like the old saying, "Don't think about pink elephants."

I'm going to be thinking about sausage patties all day now.

Iris said...

The visual on the "great flapping buttocks" is just too funny.......

Much More Than A Mom said...

Heh. I love it! Now I have a picture of you with a sausage patty hanging out of your ass...thanks a lot. Those would be some nasty grease stains.

NotSoSage said...

Goodness! That, Mr. Mayor, is a fascinating question. You better hope he never does make Mayor, or that would be a scandal of...um...sausagey proportions!

MamaLee said...

I was getting horrific images not suitable for my Monday morning!

Thanks for shaking your groove thing for us today...lol

mamatulip said...

Song for the day: "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"

Ann M. said...

Too funny :) I'm glad that there's nobody here right now to ask me why I'm laughing like a lunatic.

Mad Hatter said...

Wasn't it the ol' "hide the sausage trick" that got you into this predicament in the first place?

Kevin Charnas said...

Dana, please step away from Patty.

Velma said...

We are more of a "bacon in the butt" family.

g-man said...

On the messed up things that kids say scale, it could be worse, but right now I'm hard pressed to find an example. (other than at least he's not yelling that in public) Maybe he saw you naked and wanted to apply a little sausage color to where the sun don't shine?

Catizhere said...

Too funny!
Yesterday on the way home from church, Maggie says, "Mommy, pull my finger!" So, of course, I do.

Yeah. Thanks Joe, for teaching her *that* trick.

Slackermommy said...

You crack me up! At least you don't have grown women looking at your butt! When my water aerobic instructor found out I got new boobs she unzipped my suit to look at them in front of everyone in the locker room. Good thing I'm not modest! The worst part was that she was buck naked when she did it.

Have you visited Janet aka wondermom yet today? Her daughter wants to stick her finger in the dog's ass!

Patience said...

So, if you don't drink that tea, and your teeth rot out and you swallow them, at least they'll have something to chew on the way out! (Ewwww! I just grossed myself out!)

Abbynormal said...

Hilarious. Why wouldn't you want greasy meat on your bum? I would.

mad muthas said...

so that's what the lunar eclipse was all about! well that explains a lot ...

Plain Jane Mom said...

What IS it about boys (and men) that makes them put stuff into holes? It is an obsession that starts young...

Nancy said...

I just have to clarify: you were not cooking breakfast in the nude when your son asked that question, right?

(not that there'd be anything wrong with that...)

karrie said...

Hehehe! Hilarious!

I have a great butt story. Unfortunately it cannot be blogged, because I can only imagine who would come read.

Pgoodness said...

ROFLMAO. Sometimes reading you blog changes my whole outlook on the day. Thank you.

Mrs. Chicken said...

I am exhausted and sick, but still laughing. This is killer. Your kid ... a comedian in training.

Kendra said...

Good stuff! You never disappoint. I think I actually peed a little bit in the ol' undies reading this one.

Becky C. said...

This kinda gives a whole new meaning to the term pork barreling. Or at least that is what I got out of it:)

~Becky

Doggy Mama said...

I will never be able to look at sausages the same way again (not sure how I used to look at them, but still)...

:)

PunditMom said...

Your family is too much fun!

BTW, I think I could seriously challenge you for the blindingly white flesh contest -- many people have told me I am the whitest white person they've ever seen!

Kind of Crunchy Mama said...

Reminds me of the time when I was a kid and saw a woman in a dressing room wearing white panty hose without any panties. I was seriously scarred for life. Those girls will remember you FOREVER.

BlondeMom said...

LMAO...as best I can at work. Ahem.

My 4-year-old daughter was so obsessed with saying butt that we finally taught her to say bottom. Now if I say "butt" she'll quickly correct me..."NO MOMMY, we don't say BUTT we say BOTTOM!"

I will never look at link sausage the same.

And ironically, I was just this morning checking out my posterior and recoiled in horror. I blame the box of Girl Scout cookies I ate in two days last week at my desk!

Karly said...

Dude. Sausage in the butt? Has The Mayor been surfing the net or something?

Jennifer said...

I've not commented here before, but how can I resist with a post that includes putting sausage in your butt! One of the funniest things I've ever read and now I must go change my undies, for I've wet my pants!

megachick said...

cracking up. like many others, i imagined an atm-like swipe. ugh.

Mimi said...

What on earth could the Mayor have been thinking?

(Well, thinking about butts, obviously, and his Mom. Actually, these are two fairly common little boy thought-threads, non? Just combined a little unusually here.)

TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre said...

Oh, it's totally not that you're scary. It's that you're just that INTERESTING!

When I was that age, we went to the Y and I was just dumbfounded at the women who were naked there. That would NEVER have happened at my house, and plus, those women had wierd nipples!

Nipples!

Not that you have a wierd butt...at least, not that I've seen...but...oh gosh...I'm going to finish my salad now.

Finished Last said...

You get new ideas everyday. he may have something there.

Dirty Birdie said...

Oh...my...oh my. Sausage in the butt huh? Was Dana extra hungry that morning?

Manic Mom said...

I like big butts and I cannot lie!

OK, I'm not singing this to you, because I'm sure you have a perfectly fine butt. You must, if you can be in the locker room with it exposed! So what if it's a little white?

Funny, funny stories! You always make me smile.

Now, I guess I will not be serving up sausage anytime soon.

And a question--were they patties or, God forbid (!) links??

Momish said...

At least not up until now... still cannot breath!

carrie said...

Oh. Lord.

Carrie

jen said...

what is it with you guys, meat, and sex?

making chicken, sausage butts...it'll be interesting if one of them turns up vegan.

freudian, but oh so interesting.

Kyla said...

I can just imagine the Google hits you are getting off of this post...oh my.

deb said...

Thanks for the laugh today, I needed it.

Lotta said...

I'm sure you have a fine piece of ass! And what is with the boys and the butts and wieners? I took my kids swimming the other day and son would NOT stop rubbing his peen up against the cold shower tile!

Cece said...

You really need to get the Mayor into some more rated G programs, ok? lol

Paige said...

Thanks for this butt-related post, especially since it is so uncomfortable for me to laugh my ass off right now.

A.J.Reams said...

Your days are never boring, are they?

I was sitting alone in my kids school library and all of a sudden I just started cracking up. Sausage patties and links....funny stuff!

Thanks for the laugh!

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

That is hilarious about your son! Wow, great imagination on him.

flutter said...

Great flapping buttocks! Save the children!


Oh.My.God. I think I may have had an aneurysm.

ewe are here said...

hahahahahaha

Where do they get these things?

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am getting seriously concerned as to what exactly is going on at the Casa De Joys!

Of course, you can never tell what they will take from your conversations. Saturday morning I was trying to coerse Mr. Mayhem into going to Wal-Mart with me. His enthusiastic response was, " I'll go.....if you let me read my paper, drink my coffee, and poop first" To which Junior Mayhem replied, "Gwoss Daddy, you don't drink poop!"

Bet the ladies at his preschool LOVED hearing about the poop drinking daddy!

Denguy said...

"“Mommy, can I please put a piece of that sausage in your butt?”

Oh, stop, that's too funny. The tears, oh my eyes.

metalia said...

Oh my god, you killed me with "great flapping buttocks." I heart you so!

AMAZING GRACIE said...

My dear, you get the fabulously funny award for this one!!!

CrankMama said...

you're raising a VERY polite son there, sissy.

King Isepik said...

Holy Hell! What are you teaching your kids?!?! :) Just be sure it's Jimmy Dean brand. You have gotta use the right stuff for the butt. :)

Of course there's the kielbasa...

KC said...

White buns, sausage patties.

Is McDonald's still open?

Kristin said...

great... now I am off sausage. ;-)

you all kill me!

theotherbear said...

Hahaha. The more horrified you would get with that line of questioning, the more any child would keep repeating it. Just wait, they'll bring that one out again at the most inappropriate time!

Sandra Miller said...

LOL!!

That boy is a veritable fount of grist, he is.

Jay said...

That's why kids are so fun to keep around. Think of all the crazy conversations you might never have had.

Of course, monkeys are fun too.

Belle said...

Wowza, the things kids will say!

Amber said...

Naked butt watching as a family pastime? Now I know what my daughter and I are going to do today after our YMCA swim class....

Nick said...

I once got thrown off an American Christian website for talking about chip butties!

They had no understanding that in Britain, a buttie is slang for sandwich... and so assumed I was being vulgar... insisting that if I continued i would be permanently banned.

Sigh. Was it Twain who said about being two people divided by a common language?

squire said...

I'm sure his dad would be proud.

Lisa said...

ROFL - holy hell, these kids will keep us on our toes.

I, too, have a blinding pale white butt. As a matter of fact, our 4 year old just had to wash her hands while I was getting dressed after my shower recently. She said, "Mom! I'm going to have a big butt like yours someday!" Thanks, kiddo.

polliwog said...

I love your humour and writing. I have tears in my eyes from laughing.

kfk said...

Really, you should stop teaching your kids to play with their food.

Gingers Mom said...

I am laughing so hard I can hardly type. That is one hilarious tike you got there...

BethGo said...

That was a good one.
You crack me up.
Get it?

Dirty Birdie said...

Sausage in the butt...awwww sexy sexy...

Dirty Birdie said...

I'm pretty sure that's illegal in most southern states

BamaGirl said...

OMG! I'm so not ready for my daughter to start talking!

Flawed & Disorderly said...

I'm so impressed! I don't even let MYSELF look at my butt much less the neighborhood children!

Laurie said...

OMG that is too funny! Congrats on the ROFL, it is well deserved!

Anonymous said...

When I was in the sixth grade my class went to a near-by high school to swim in their pool for about an hour a day for about two weeks.

On the last day that we were going to the high school to swim we talked our sixth grade teacher to swim with us.

The surpricame when we re-entered the girls locker room after we were done swimming when our teacher immediately removed her bathingsuit and showered nude in the wide open communal showers. And then she was even having conversations with all of us while she stood there nude in the shower while we were showering too.

To top it all off she even blow dried her hair while still totally nude.

Jennifer E

Anonymous said...

Of course the number of hits will go up if you write about butts. Anyway, you ladies don't show much butt in the locker room, compared to us guys. I've been a swimmer for over 20 years (high school team) etc. and we men don't even have shower curtains! Over the past 20 yrs I've had my butt exposed to my teammates (back in the 80s kids got naked to shower), strangers, the husband and son of a lady I work with, and most recently to kids that attend school with my kids. So, a lot more butts in the men's locker room.