Monday, March 12, 2007

When I Grow Up, I'm Gonna Be Old

When a man is nearly forty the time comes for him to spend $29.95 so that he no longer has to carry his tennis things in the bag he used as a bicycle courier in Washington D.C. nearly twenty years ago.

Oh, great moment of moments! You finally arrived at The House of Joy!

Let us go then, let us venture forth to the sporting goods super store. Hallelujah!


The Family Joy thusly ventured forth to Dick’s Sports Emporium (not this Dick) and lo, owning a tennis bag is as easy as that.

Leaving Dicks, I got The Mayor into his car seat as K helped The Rooster into hers.

The Rooster is learning to climb up into AND down from her car seat and consequently, adult help with either one of these activities is now strictly verboten.

If you so much as support her elbow she will scream like a demon child possessed,

“I DO IT!!! I CLIMB UP!!!”
She will spit great venom, her head will twist around in a full 360 degree spin and her “strong like bull” body will become rigidly convex.

The thing is, Rooster’s not that GOOD at getting in or out of her car seat yet and it can take the better part of a decade.

Me? Not so patient.

K? Mo' better patient, but still…

In the Dick’s parking lot, the climbing up had gone on far. too. long.

To keep some parental sanity in reserve, K had to “help” The Rooster.


One minute he was strapping her in and the next…

He was flat on his back in the parking lot moaning.

What the???

“What happened? What happened?” I asked.

Here’s where I would like to craft a tale of Mighty Baby Girl Power wherein The Rooster called upon her INNER NINJA and karate kicked her father to the curb.

“HY-YAAAAAA, DADDY!”


rooster ninja2


The truth is just plain sad.


We are old.

We injure our old selves doing the utterly mundane like loading a kid into a car seat.

Apparently K made one wrong move, pinched a back nerve and fell reeling to the pavement.

A man who is nearly forty years old should not have to lie in a sporting goods super store parking lot moaning with a brand new tennis bag on his chest.

The indignity.

K managed to finally get up, finish loading The Rooster and ease into his own seat.

The drive home started out quietly.

After being lost in thought, The Mayor emerged.

“Dad,” he said, “I’m going to grow up and be bigger.”

“That’s right Mayor,” K said.

“Yeah. I’m going to be bigger and my back is going to hurt.”

So we’re teaching him about back pain and all the really, really important stuff of this life.

When we got home we taught him all about drugs.

Hello, Vitamin I.

Ibuprofen

65 comments:

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Oh the journey into climbing into the car seat. We have a love hate relationship with that one....

We always say...whenever you go to Dick's, you get a sack and two balls!

slouching mom said...

I am still laughing! I feel your (and his) pain. As does my husband.

The moral of the story may be to avoid all sporting goods stores. We are all too old for sports, except perhaps the sport of walking to our vehicles. Even that may be too challenging.

100 Words said...

You've done well to get to 40. I've got 10 years on you, and still require medical treatment after a game of frisbee.

Ibuprofen. Mmmm

Sayre said...

Ah... don't forget about vitamin B(en Gay), vitamin T(iger Balm), and vitamin G(reen Tree Oil). My son's olfactory nerves have been scorched since birth.

Blog Antagonist said...

Once, I lifted my arms above my head and pulled a muscle in my chest. I couldn't put my arms down for a week without feeling like I was being speared through the heart. I feel K's pain.

That independance thing wears off in about 10 years. Then they want you to do everything for them. The grass is always greener on the other side of the adolescent, I suppose. :?)

Paige said...

If it happens again, tell K that in the interest of good neighbordom, I've got some good stuff from the back doctor that I don't mind sharing.

Robin said...

Sounds like Rooster has 'powers of the mind.'

Lotta said...

I don't know those kids are all muscle with no mental reservations about using it.

Velma said...

Nothing says "Super Fun Week" like two small children and a husband with a back injury!

Kevin Charnas said...

I throw my back out sneezing.

Oh and this one time, I turned to wave to Will "Goodbye", yeah, that did it too.

megachick said...

the force is strong with the rooster.

Dawn said...

ROTFLMAO! Oh man, I feel that pain daily! Kiddo has started trying to climb in the seat himself too - jeepers, it takes soooo long!.

I agree with slouching mom; it's probably time to begin avoiding sporting goods stores. ;)

Great post!
D

QueenieBadd said...

Nothing screams "WE OLD!" like going to bed in a bedroom that reeks of Ben Gay and Vicks. Ahhh, the smell of decrepitude and impending senility...

Augs Casa said...

Sorry about K's back. The only thing I can say is, wait until after 40. Oh my it gets worse. Instead of the normal 2-3 days recovery, it's a week. I feel my knees aching as I type this.

Pgoodness said...

Once again, thanks for brightening my day! Those wee ones sure pack some power, don't they?! And that getting in and out of the carseat - man oh man. If I had a dime for every time I spat out "just get in already!" I'd be...ok, not really rich, but I'd have some cash!! :-)

Hope K is feeling better! All I have to do is try and sleep on my back and after a little while, my whole right side gets heavy and I can't roll over without throwing my body. It's fun getting old!

amyerj said...

I've been there. Heat feels good, but ice heals. Stick with the ice.

At least he made it to 40. My worst episode was Thanksgiving '05. Coughed while getting something from under the sink, how's that for an athlete? My back went rrrrrriiiiwwwp. Yes, this was before ALL the cooking, and I had to get it done anyway. Let's just say I cracked the wine WAY before noon that year.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Confucius say: Don't piss off independent child or one will spend many hours on back.

Mel said...

Yooch. Don't tell me this stuff. I will now be a walking cringe all day long, waiting for the Back Nerve Of Death to get me. I messed up my back pretty good while pregnant with Really Rosie, and ever since then all back-related injuries scare the bejeezus out of me.

Amy Linder said...

As usual, funny funny stuff. Hope K is feeling better soon.

Oh, and by the way, I'm TAGGING you! The theme at Mama Says Om this week is JOY, so I though who better to write something on the subject than you?! So get to it.

Here's the link: www.mamasaysom.com

Have fun.

Amy :)

Abbynormal said...

Back pain starts that soon huh? Forty isn't even OLD! I hate the rigid back thing. My niece does that. BUT! I'd rather have her tantrum and be around her and the little brother than to only see them once a year.

Abbynormal said...

Oh and I like IB 800s or else a good Valium. I could totally be a prescribed drug addict if I didn't have morals.

TSM said...

Vitamin I. LOVE it. We get our daily dose in this house. And we're not old yet.

Scratch that-he is, I'm not. I'm just decrepid.

Plain Jane Mom said...

If the vitamin I doesn't work, get him some vitamin V(icodin).

And I hear you on the car seat thing. Chip at 2 is pretty much on the same page ;)

Lily said...

Yikes! Hope K is feeling ok today. I can't help but giggle and the Ninja stylings... hehe

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

The car seat dance. It is an intricate ballet of precision and skill. That's a good time right there.

Poor, K. He can stick it in his arsenal for when the little one is older and can be easily manipulated and guilted. Now THAT's a good time!

Little Monkies said...

Monkey's favorite thing to say now is "Dada, when I am big, you are going to be the baby and Mama and I will take care of you"....hmmmm. Ok, Oedipus. But it IS scary to think about.

I (heart) ninja Roo.

mamatulip said...

We ARE getting old. Oliver head-butted me in the face this morning and I CRIED.

Cooks on the Coast said...

I don't mean to laugh at K's pain, but I can so relate. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it today!

Finished Last said...

Rooster sounds like my daughter whose first sentence was "I dooy myself" She's about to graduate from High School now (sniff)

Lisa said...

OUCH. LOVE the photo of your little karate princess. heehee.

Vitamin I.... That cracked me up.

Nikki said...

OH! the car seat thing!

Connor hates it when I help...but like you...I want him to get in the thing before he's 10.

Flawed & Disorderly said...

We are leading parallel lives, sister.

Heather said...

Oh I feel his pain--hope it goes away soon. We have graduated from wanting to climb into the seat, now that is not nearly enough. Now we must also insist on buckling it ourself and while she is faster than my father sitting in the driveway that long makes me vibrate!

NotSoSage said...

Oh, god. I threw my back out a couple of weeks ago and now Mme L is wandering, hunchbacked, around the house saying, "Mama, my baaaack huuurtss." And I'm closer to K's bicycle courier days than I am to 40. ugh.

I hope K feels better.

julia said...

Ouch. *snort* See? This is why I lead a sedentary life. Less chance to hurt yourself if you stay glued to the couch all the time.

I find vitamin G(uinness) to be a great vitimin I chaser. Vitamin W(ine) also works well, too.

still standing said...

Do you have room in your vehicle for one of those little plastic step stools? That may help without “helping”.
She sounds hilarious!
My 2 ½ year old daughter is such a BROOSER!!
It’s too funny.

Gingers Mom said...

Ah yes. Those infamous words. "I do it!" They are words that make you proud....make you impatient...make you crazy. Good luck.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Junior Mayhem also has a burning desire to climb in and out of his seat by himself. Sometimes he insists on climbing out through the front seat. That way, he can stop and mess with the steering wheel, gear shift, and any other button or gadget that catches his eye. This is the time when decades melt into centuries and many religions are LOST!

Hope K's back feels better soon!

Lucia said...

Ooo...now I feel terrible having a chuckle at K's expense.

Terri said...

Oh my...
poor guy..
not many things worse than injuring your back... oh boy!

Chrissy said...

This is what happens when we wait so long to have children. I have heard of people out there having children in their 20's! I used to think they were foolish - now I think they are very smart to have them early enough that they are still able to run after that surprising quick toddler who has taken off down aisle number 32 at the Super Wal-Mart!

Damselfly said...

Snort, Vitamin I!

I cringe when my knees snap as I'm walking my sleeping baby to bed....

flutter said...

oh poor guy!!!

I love the ninja baby picture, though, it cracked me up.

notfearingchange said...

I hope K is better...

No Cool Story said...

"Yeah. I’m going to be bigger and my back is going to hurt.” Wise and true words from The Mayor.

I wouldn't mess with Ninja Roo from now on.

Virtualsprite said...

OH! I'm laughing! And I'm feeling the pain... I can definitely sympathize with K. After 15 years as a concert violist, my back is shot, making toddler-hefting oh so much fun.

Ice and heat, ice and heat. Repeat as needed.

Joan of Arf said...

Sometimes I sneeze and throw my neck out. So it's like an Ahhhh choo... OW! OW! OH! OW! Dammit!

I'm beginning to think there was a reason that people had children in their early 20's... back in the olden days. Because those little suckers have attitude, point limbs and are hea-vy.

Jennifer said...

The other day, my three year old was saying something, not sure what cause I zoned out just after she said "mommy, when I'm 12 and really really old...."

Shannon said...

Vitamin I - bwahahahahaha. Amen. Poor K....

jen said...

poor K. i am not laughing at him...but with you. i swear.

Jenifer G. said...

Feel better soon!
I hurt myself sleeping not that long ago. Woke up and could not turn my neck. Imagine what I can accomplish awake.

Yeah. I can't wait until 40.

Jody said...

getting old sux

Denguy said...

I know that move. I know it all too well.

And, Boyo is also doing it ALL BY HIMSELF.

The Queen Mama said...

Wow...there for a minute I thought you were going to tell us she kicked him in the wonder boys. Pinched back nerve is not nearly so funny. Hope he feels better.

Mamma said...

Oh K!! It just doesn't get lower than that on a Saturday does it?

Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh poor K! I bet Rooster did a Vulcan mind thingie on him, or something. But at least he has a pretty new bag, that always makes me feel better.

Pendullum said...

When I read this I did have sympathy for K I really did...
I am in the same boat... and I had a greatsigh of relief..
Thank goodness Scooter is out of car seats now...

But then my mind, oh my twisted mind...
(We just watched that 'classic' Pillow Talk last night with Doris Day and ROCK!... It also starred Tony Randall... Scooter LOOOOVED it!)
Tony Randall (may he rest in peace,) had his first and only kid at 76... 76!(First question would be, what youngin' would WANT Tony Randall)But then after you cough up your breakfast the next thought could be: How did he ever get a kid into a high chair let alone a car seat... and how would he do in your horizontal parenting technique?

QT said...

I so needed this laugh this morning! THose little people -DAMN, they can be strong!

carmachu said...

My father always tells me, never get old. I plan on follwoing that advice.

Moobs said...

I turned 40 last year and have been indulging my kit fetish by gear for my marathon training. The training has left me knees that sound like doors winging open in a haunted house. Where is my youth!?

Maria said...

Laughing. I keep seeing your comments in the blogs I read, so decided to skip on over and check yours out.

Wonderful.

And you think you guys are old? I am 48. I wear a PAIN PATCH for my back. I have been known to complain about how heavy milk jugs are, for pete's sake..

Heather said...

Oh, oh, oh, I love me some vitamin I! Funny stuff! Our girl is going through the whole "I do MYSELF" car seat thing too.

whymommy said...

O, the back pain! So sorry to hear this! You know I've been struggling with it this year, and it SUCKS! Hugs to all, and healing to K. If it happens a lot, by the way, I TOTALLY recommend lidocaine patches for the back. They always soothe....

Lawyer Mama said...

Ah, the creaks and groans of middlish age. (I refuse to say middle age.) I've had so many moments like that - there was the time I got stuck when I bent over to pick up Big H; the time I developed some sort of tendinitis in my thumb from hooking them under Little H's arm to pick him up; and the severe neck sprain from sleeping with my head at an unatural angle to accomodate an infant for 4 months straight. We're really too old for this shit.

Ron Davison said...

Hilarious. At least he realizes that this whole "growing up" thing would be fine if only it knew when to stop. Thanks!