Here at The House of Joy we have been known to rely on The Horizontal Parenting Method.
Until last Saturday, we reserved this double-top-secret bit of parenting genius for our own children.
But on Saturday we went to a birthday party for a friend's son who turned one.
There is wonderful, large playroom on the second floor of this friend's house and somehow, despite being exhausted, I ended up being the sole adult in the playroom with six toddlers while all the other grown ups drank beers in the backyard.
[Marscaponing short end of the stick...]
I commenced to horizontal parenting and got comfortable flat on my back.
The six toddlers were busy tapping on the front of a goldfish tank.
"Hey, you over there! No tapping on the tank!" I muttered without moving.
[SO EFFECTIVE this horizontal parenting.]
The moment after I released a rather enormous (and quite fluffy) air biscuit (of the most smelly variety), the playroom door opened and the father of the twin girls left in my charge stepped into the room.
Though busted, I didn't sit up.
Dude, check out my awesome horizontal parenting skillz!
IM WATCHN UR CHLDRNZ!!!
He rushed back down the stairs and sent reinforcements.
Within seconds there were three other moms up there.
[About time, eh?]
[Of course they had to spend the first five minutes checking butts to try to identify which child was poopy while I remained horizontal and played dumb about the smell.]
Shame? What's that?
Meanwhile, The Rooster entertained herself with the most hideous baby doll ever.
The doll maker should seriously consider attending a Polyfill Stuffers Anonymous meeting.
Roo asked me to help her get said FAT BABY into a toy stroller.
I am not kidding, I had to GRUNT to get FAT BABY in (though I did not have to get up.)
"Roo, that is one fat baby! What have you been feeding her? Avocados?" I asked.
Just the day before Roo ate nearly the entire bowl of guacamole offered before dinner.
Anyway, Rooster obviously thought FAT BABY would enjoy eating avocados and decided to play "Feed The Baby."
Right there, in front of all the other moms, she reached out, grabbed my boobs, harvested them, yelled "AVOCADOS!" and fed them to FAT BABY.