Monday, April 23, 2007

Fat Baby Ate My Avocados

Here at The House of Joy we have been known to rely on The Horizontal Parenting Method.

Until last Saturday, we reserved this double-top-secret bit of parenting genius for our own children.

But on Saturday we went to a birthday party for a friend's son who turned one.


There is wonderful, large playroom on the second floor of this friend's house and somehow, despite being exhausted, I ended up being the sole adult in the playroom with six toddlers while all the other grown ups drank beers
in the backyard.

[Marscaponing short end of the stick...]

I commenced to horizontal parenting and got comfortable flat on my back.


The six toddlers were busy tapping on the front of a goldfish tank.

"Hey, you over there! No tapping on the tank!" I muttered without moving.

[SO EFFECTIVE this horizontal parenting.]


The moment after I released a rather enormous (and quite fluffy) air biscuit (of the most smelly variety), the playroom door opened and the father of the twin girls left in my charge stepped into the room.

Though busted, I didn't sit up.


Dude, check out my awesome horizontal parenting skillz!
IM WATCHN UR CHLDRNZ!!!

He rushed back down the stairs and sent reinforcements.

Within seconds there were three other moms up there.

[About time, eh?]


[Of course they had to spend the first five minutes checking butts to try to identify which child was poopy while I
remained horizontal and played dumb about the smell.]

Shame? What's that?

Meanwhile, The Rooster entertained herself with the most hideous baby doll ever.

The doll maker should seriously consider attending a Polyfill Stuffers A
nonymous meeting.

Roo asked me to help her get said
FAT BABY into a toy stroller.

I am not kidding, I had to GRUNT to get FAT BABY in (though I did not have to get up.)

"Roo, that is one fat baby! What have you been feeding her? Avocados?" I asked.

Just the day before
Roo ate nearly the entire bowl of guacamole offered before dinner.

Anyway, Rooster obviously thought FAT BABY would enjoy eating avocados and decided to play "Feed The Baby."

Right there, in front of all the other moms, she reached out, grabbed my boobs, harvested them, yelled "AVOCADOS!" and fed them to
FAT BABY.






74 comments:

Tabba said...

Your kids.......I tell ya. Too gawd darn funny. They get it honestly though. You know that right?

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

You see..this is where I feel your pain. Yesterday at a christening...SF decided to LICK my CLEAVAGE for the world to see...at the restaurant we were eating at...

Like she does it all the time. Natural occurance. What the?

canape said...

My dog is going to be glad when there is a kid around to help take the misplaced blame of stink.

Beck said...

My son was a very early talker and he nursed until he was nearly two - he'd march up to me in public and demand "I want boobs! Undo your buttons!" which stopped phasing me after a while, but always shocked onlookers.
They're just prudish.

Blog Antagonist said...

There isn't much I can say to that except...((SNORT))...

Too funny.

slouching mom said...

It's nice to know your kids are gonna be as funny as you are.

The world needs more comedians.

carmachu said...

awesome! I cant wait to have you over to sarah's party!

Mrs. Chicken said...

I can always count on you, J, to lighten and brighten my morning! This was so freaking funny.

SciFi Dad said...

mmm... biscuit...

(no wait... eww...)

mmm... avocados...

(no wait... that ain't right either...)

mmm... funny...

(there, that's better.)

Yemi said...

lol. That was too funny:)

Sayre said...

My face hurts now - too. much. hilarity! Damned avacados.

deb said...

thanks for the laugh this morning. I'll have to try your technique. So I lay down? Right?

Woman with kids said...

Um... I feel I should appologize ...or something. I eat avocados ALL THE TIME. I had no idea where they came from...

jen said...

oh...wow. you've got to be kidding...oh wait..that's the beauty of it, isn't it.

Lisa Milton said...

I love the horizontal parenting tips - you could market it, hit up the morning shows.

Thanks for the laugh.

NotSoSage said...

Well played, Rooster, well played.

Leeanthro said...

What is it about group situations that makes some parents slack? My sister-in-law (and lots of others we know) seem to think that just because a lot of people are around that her kids are being looked after. Just at Easter I noticed that they were outside running around in a corn field unsupervised (the older kids were doing their own mischief) for about 20 minutes while SIL was inside socializing.

I'm always right there at other people's houses. You never know about their child proofing or breakables. Usually my husband and I position ourselves at opposite ends of the house so that we keep an eye on her, yet still give her freedom.

Horizontal parenting sounds great. I have been trying to do a little of that in my huge pregnant state.

Please write another post giving us a quick description and how-to's!

Jen Magnuson said...

Harvested the avacados?? That is so great -- and the graphics to boot.

Jessica said...

Hi there - I came by to thank you for checking out my "Rise and Shine" challenge. I know you claim not to look so swell in the AM but I just looked at your profile picture and you are ADORABLE!

Tracysan said...

"Horizontal Parenting"...Now THERE'S a term I'm going to tuck away for future use!

ali said...

oooh...i am SUCH a fan of this horizontal parenting!

carrie said...

Oh no she didn't!!!!

Carrie

flutter said...

I think my fiance has done that too, but without the yelling "AVOCADOS" part. But most definitely with the in public part.

Paige said...

No skin off my back. I didnt eat the guacamole because I was saving room for gumbo.

Besides, double dipping is nothing compared to what happened at Friday Afternoon Club the week before (more on that to come)...

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Priceless.

I will add this to the "new things I learn every day" list.

Thank you.

Adrienne said...

What? Your boobs don't look like a pair of large, dimply, chock full o' fatty acid goodness, GREEN vegetables? Mine do.

QT said...

OK -THAT is funny. Do you have a patent on the horizontal parenting? Because I think the House of Jenny-Talia may be practicing that without a license...you better double-check.

Dirty Birdie said...

It's pretty bad when your husband farts then blames it on the baby...yeah, he's sexy like that.

Karen Forest said...

I have been practicing horizontal parenting myself lately.

I don't think it gets the credit it deserves.

Nothing better than a child to blame the stench on......

Too funny!

Above Average Joe said...

Horizontal Parenting is better than no parenting at all.

Chrissy said...

Shame??? I don't know that word. Once upon a time, i used to mod young minds as a teacher of first grade. Sometimes, a teacher needs to break wind. When they are silent, it's perfect. I have been known to walk around the classroom saying, "Who did a stinky?" knowing darn well who did it!

The Holmes said...

Oh man, I've let the blame for certain smells go to babypoop once or twice. Right there with ya.

Lawyer Mama said...

I love horizontal parenting. I'm a big practicer myself, so I'm totally going to steal your term (with appropriate linky love) at a later time.

The great thing about having kids around all the time is the freedom to fart and pass the blame!

Mrs. Chicky said...

See? Now this is why it's good to have toddlers around. You can feel free to let one rip and them blame it on the wee ones.

mox said...

beautiful. I looking for some gaseous humor to pick me up in the middle of the afternoon.

Kristi said...

Horizontal homeschooling will commence as soon as room time is over. Thanks for the tip.

Bon said...

all class, you are. i could tell.

horizontal parenting is how i deal with early mornings. hell, i'm there. i'm semi-conscious (and frequently a source of bad smells, too). there's nothing electrical within his reach. what more could one ask?

of course, my offspring hasn't yet tried to share my avocadoes with the world.

lolcatz references give me unreasonable pleasure, btw. i don't know why.

QueenieB said...

Niiiice.

And about the not owning up to the smell thing? Think of it this way-how many times has it been one of your kids, and everybody around you thought it was you? So you're totally owed.

DysdHousewife said...

WAY to get the pahtee stahted!!YOU go Avocado Woman! MY son gently slaps my "avocados" like they are bongos, as I push him through the grocery store in the cart..

Flawed & Disorderly said...

MMMM...avacados...will never look the same to me again.

Flawed & Disorderly said...

MMMM...avacados...will never look the same to me again.

Catherine said...

Hey there...nice to meet you! I enjoy horizontal parenting myself, at times...

Melina said...

That was too funny, I laughed so hard when I linked to the old post of The Rooster biting K's butt. Thank goodness there isn't anyone really here anymore at work, because they might have called the guys in the white coat and that funny jacket they bring for me.

The rest of this post was too much for me to handle, I have tears running down my face from laughter. Thank you I needed that.

BTW are you going to Blogher?

Alpha DogMa said...

Hey, the Fart And Blame the Diapered People Ruse is a patented Dogma Family ploy! We instigated this maneveur upon realizing very few of our friends own dogs.
BTW, the Omega Man has taught our boys the phrase "I'm going to Alabama!" It has replaced the Harry Potter inspired expression, " I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates." Both were used liberally during our Sunday morning shortage of clean underpants.

mommiebear2 said...

LOL! That was hilarious! I dont know what part I liked better, your "air biscuit" or the "plucking of the avocados"??

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I love it, "feed the baby"...and then she does...I hope she didnt make slurping sounds

Haley-O said...

Hee! Horizontal parenting! That's hilarious. Good to know there's a name out there for something I'm actually quite the pro at... ;)

Kyla said...

Yeah, my 5 year old (how it pains me to call him a 5 year old!) still calls mine apples. I have no idea how it started, but he's called them apples forever. Boobs=apples.

kgirl said...

Just plain awesome.
As a parent, I believe it is a god-given right to blame our fartyfarts on the children. At least until they can defend themselves.

mamatulip said...

Air biscuit?!

OMG. I love that.

wendy boucher said...

Excellent parenting skills. You are my idol.

Rapunzel said...

Love the horizontal parenting, used to practice that quite a bit myself! I once was so tired that I allowed my pre-schoolers to "give mommy a makeover." I lay there while little girls applied make-up all over my face and did my hair. Took me hours to get the knots out and wash the paint off but the rest was well worth it.

Rebecca said...

air biscuit? you is disgusting!

Aliki2006 said...

Another member of the horizonatal parenting club! Hooray! Years ago, when my son was 2, my MIL gave him a play tent. All he ever wanted to do, for hours and days on end, was play in the tent around me while I lay horizontal inside the tent, with my head on a pillow. Those were glorious days.

Jordan said...

Hilarious! I love the horizontal parenting. It's great at the playground, too, if a little more odd. But nice when you can get a few others to join you.

notfearingchange said...

I'm taking parenting skills from you....so on your back eh...hmm...remind me when i have a few! ;-)

PunditMom said...

I am SOOO jealous you got to have dinner at The Avery Lane Experience!

KC said...

My daughter would have totally given me away: Mommy! Toot Toot!

More power to you for keeping it on the down low.

urban-urchin said...

fat baby in a little stroller sounds a lot like fat man in a little coat.


I horizontal parent too, it's the new black.

Mom101 said...

Ooh, I love horizontal parenting! I will have to try that one out. Although being enormously pregnant these days, I may never get back up. Have you got a provision for that in the manual?

FENICLE said...

No way!! You believe in the Parental Horizontal Method too?? I thought we were the only members of that Not-So-Anonymous Club!

Hey better to be avacodo's than watermelons.

radical mama said...

Marscaponing kids and their marscaponing games!

Seattle Mamacita said...

How did you manage to find a picture of the perfect avocado breastages! we've got find a word for breasts that has the same power as phallic 'cause i would have used it for that pic... next blog?

Southern Fried Mom said...

I thought my toddler had been to your playdate...Fat Baby strikes again! He is also (at age 2.5) very "avocado"-obsessed! And he only nursed for 4 months...what can I say--the girls are just that fabulous!

Hi, My name is SFM and I am a horizontal parent.

Slackermommy said...

You can come play at my house anytime!

Kerry said...

Omg, you are so funny!

Kara said...

heehee too funny.

The Medium Swede said...

Fat baby ate your avocados?

Dingos got my baby.

Mimi said...

Can I just say we do horizontal parenting all the time, following your model, of course?

Just today Miss Baby reached down the front of my shirt and tried to rip the lace off my bra. Lovely.

Standing up is for suckahs.

Momma Bean said...

Thanks to you, I've spit coffee on to my keyboard. Again. Fat Baby! Ha! And, this horizontal parenting really works - more people are bound to catch on.

Queen Karana said...

OMG. Yes, you were so totally busted. That is hilarious!

Megan (Velveteen Mind) said...

Good lord, woman. This is hilarious.

I'm backtracking through your Horizontal Parenting Technique posts and can I just say that I am falling madly in love with you?

Madly.

I need to figure out a way to print out all of your posts in book form so I can lug it around with me. Being chained to the computer as I try to catch up on old Joy is really crap.

Jo Beaufoix said...

'a rather enormous (and quite fluffy) air biscuit (of the most smelly variety)' I have never known a fart to be described so beautifully.

blue milk said...

I have meant to tell you a few times before how much I love this post of yours. Sooooooooo beautifully observed.