Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Southbound

When I was pregnant and nursing I was really worried that my nipples were going to look like gigantic, mahogany dinner plates forever.

Is it just me or do the pregnant lady nipples grow to an unusually large size?

What is the purpose for that?


I know newborns don't have keen eyesight and all, but...


Anyway, I was standing nekkid in front of the bathroom mirror the other day after a shower and I noticed that my nipples seemed to be restored to their former size and color.


How about that?!


I was feeling cavalier until I made a second observation.


The girls do something they never did before.


They speak.


That's right, I have talking boobs but I am here to tell you, what they have to say is not nice.


Not at all.


They shout obscenities. (Obscentities!)


You can look at my raised middle finger and understand the "Eff You!" message.


Now too, you can look at my naked boobs and they tell you...

"Go to Hell!"
[Directions provided.]

72 comments:

pgoodness said...

LOL!! Thanks for the morning laugh. Funny how we get so excited about going back to how we were pre-preg, but then realize how completely wrong we really are - never gonna happen!!
Those are the things no one ever tells you before you have kids.

angela said...

you'd better slap those girls around a bit until they learn some manners.

Patience said...

Talking boobs!! I work with some of those!! (but not as smart)

Tabba said...

Oh, lord woman. You kill me. It's so early to be falling out of my chair....

And I can completely relate.

Mary Alice said...

Geez...what do they say when they've been drinking?

mamatulip said...

When I think of my boobs I think of the name of my blog. ;)

Woman with kids said...

LOL! My girls sing...

"DOOOOOOO your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder,
like an incontinent soldier?
Do your Boobs Hang LOW???"

They're quite talented.

Omaha Mama said...

You know what I do when my boobs talk to me like that (every morning)? I cage them in a great foundation garment until they straighten up and fly right. Damn things anyway. Think just because they fed two infants they can get lazy...

Sayre said...

Once they get long like that, you can roll them up (roll under) for great cleavage. Of course, once you've lured some unsuspecting man and remove your bra, you can tie him up with them so he won't escape...

bubandpie said...

After watching the breastfeeding video at my prenatal class, I developed a new understanding of the idea of "large nipples" - if the nipple is smaller than the baby's HEAD, you're doing okay.

urban-urchin said...

mine are the same way- RUDE!!! I went to Nordstrom's this weekend and made a nice older lady feel me up in order to provide a bra with support to move the chi chi's from vertical to horizontal...

slouching mom said...

Cracking me up this morning!

Jen said...

For a variety of reasons I was unable to nurse for very long...imagine my shock to see my dearest friend nursing from this dinner plate sized nipples...eye opening.

Oh and I tried the "pencil test" after the girls and yeah the girls swallowed the whole case.

Sigh. At least yours hang together believe it or not mine are talking out of both sides of their mouths.

Lawyer Mama said...

Ah, I miss my nice perky, polite boobs. And believe it or not, I've typed that twice in the last 24 hours. How sad.

Thanks for the morning laugh. If we can't laugh at our boobs, what can we do? Besides drink heavily, I mean.

momomax said...

have you tried handstands?
same message but temporarily uplifting.

I'll never be ableto look at mahagony dinner plates the same way again

EE said...

While mine aren't pointing south YET, the nips are all shrunken and wrinkly. Not a pretty sight, I tell you:o

Megan (Velveteen Mind) said...

I still regret not having taken a picture of mine before the boys arrived and messed with my girls.

WILLIAM said...

Maybe they are giving directions to something else? Like maybe the floor needs cleaning. Or maybe they are trying to hint to the Park Ranger?

Hol&J said...

Thanks for the great laugh this morning!

BOSSY said...

Bossy can't talk about her boobs because they are hiding out under her waistband planning a further revolt.

Blog Antagonist said...

Nipples schmipples. You ougtha see what a 9lb baby did to another part of my anatomy. It still hasn't recovered. So far, no talking though.

mom2EmnRoo said...

Just read reevesfarm @ http://forthelove-amamasmantra.blogspot.com/ and you two are of a like mind today. And I completely concur. Much to my dismay. The "girls" used to allude to heaven and now they're headed to hell and they NEED a handbasket for support.

JoeinVegas said...

First twenty comments all from women with simiar laughs - I really don't know what to say about that.

kristina said...

I had to pump exclusively for the first month of breastfeeding. My originally diminutive nipples - I kid you not - were the size of meatballs from that Medela bitch. I had to actually fold them to tuck them back into my bra.

Pilgrim Mom said...

Hey, if they point south, aren't they really saying, "This way for a good time"? :-)

reevesfarm said...

Me and you both, but with out a bra the only thing on earth that can see my nipples are my feet....

Marmite Breath said...

Oy! Mine are the same way, so don't feel bad. Or do, actually, cause I do. :)

Aliki2006 said...

I read somewhere that the nipple area gets large and discolored like that so that the brand new baby can inch its way up the mama's tummy and--voila! find the breast ASAP.

Seems like that's not so much an evolutionary need anymore, though.

CamiKaos said...

I read the sign language too.

katy said...

Thats the best reason to be on top during sex....if I lie on my back they may flop over my arms.......sigh. I should be ashamed of myself for talking like this....but I'm not.

Chrissy said...

Mine have been talking to me for years, and they are never nice.

Cathy said...

Mine are so far away, I don't think I could hear them if the DID speak.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

Thus is the beauty of a post-baby breast reduction. Mine say "Good morning darling! We may be slightly scarred, but we are pert and lovely, and here to serve you!"

moosh in indy. said...

Mine are just hairy saggy fat ladies that lay around all day, but at least they shut up.

Kim said...

LOL...oh, the things I have to look forward to ;)

carrie said...

And mine like to tease me about buying bras at Target. Stupid boobs, anyhow.

Carrie

Biddy said...

wait...you mean there are real boobs out there that don't point straight to Hades?

oh and nipples? are those the itty bitty mosquito bites I can't get rid of?

still standing said...

Now that's funny!

Jan B said...

I have always thought that nipples were just targets for babies with poor visual acuity. And men too. I think that's why my husband take off his glasses to... well, you know.

flutter said...

oooh oooo! You know what mine do?! TRICKS! They do, they do I will buy them a lovely push up bra for an insane amount of money, and they will smoosh their way into the middle and then look like there are 4 of them instead of 2! You know what else they do? They flap around in an unsavory manner when I run and knock me right in the eye.

Yamagoo said...

Does everything in this day and age have to talk?! LMAO

QT said...

I am definitely taking the advice of one of the posters and taking pics of mine prior to any possible pregnancy/childbearing. The reports from the other side are not uplifting!

Mrs. Chicky said...

I think mine are saying,

"Which way did we go? This-a-way or That-a-way?"

mimikatemom said...

Hee... silly. Mine usually save their loudest bitching for when I try to slam their pendulousness in doorframes when they don't swing out of the way fast enough. They are also strangely attracted to my toothpaste whilst leaning over the sink to pluck the wiry hairs out of my chin. That thanks to my brand-spankin new bathroom, I AM ALL TOO AWARE OF.

*end of rant.

Keep on keepin' on girl.

SHELLY said...

At least they don't point East and West. Mine are a bit confused that way. Damn breastfeeding.

nutmeg said...

ifrcoujoYou women are all crazy. I've nursed four kids and my tits are freaking perfect. That's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Damselfly said...

Obscentities, hee hee!

liv said...

And all I could think when I saw the title "Southbound" was that you were coming to visit me. Alas, it has taken on new, hysterical meaning. For the record, during pregnancy I considered mine more to be like mahogany salad plates... :)

Kyla said...

Obscentities! You slay me.

Momish said...

What a hoot. I will never look at my saggy boobs again without thinking they are telling me to go to hell! You make my day, funny lady!

Jen Magnuson said...

ROFL! I guess that means mine say "I'm with stupid." You could stand on either side of me. They point both ways. :(

karrie said...

One of mine does look almost like it's former self, save the odd wiry red hairs that now grow there. (WTF is *that* about??) The other nipple points straight down to the ground.

And B&P, I have a picture with my son attached to a boob that completely dwarfs his newborn cephalopelvic disproportion. The pic scares the beejebus out of unsuspecting pregnant friends who stumble upon it.

Kelly said...

Bwahahahahaha! That's a good one. I needed that!

carmachu said...

Uhm.....how did I put this nicely?

I sure as hell do NOT want to look at your boobs, thanks.

tracey said...

Nice visual.

Mom on Coffee said...

LMAO!

My girls clap, you know, during unh tiss, unh tiss. Big dady thinks he's getting a round of applause.

I guess you didn't need to know that, so...just file that away under crap you never needed to know about MOC.

Mel said...

Lawl!!! Mine, if I'm lying in bed next to the husband, they say, "I'm with stupid --->. Oh, and also that wall over there <----".
Sigh.
Thanks for the laugh!

Shauna said...

That was just too funny. Makes me appreciate the 'perkiness' of breastfeeding boobs.

Jodi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jodi said...

Several months after a co-worker weaned her first child she came to me, the seasoned guru of all things breasty-milky and screamed, "You didn't tell me that I would have milk FOREVER!" Hehehe. Now why would I spare her that special little tidbit of information? Really, it isn't forever. Just six months. Or a year.

As a small-chested person, I would like to point out that at least your girls move around energetically. Quit whining. Sheesh. Mine just sit there, whispering to one another, "Look! She's putting on that NoWonderBra again! What's the point?"

Above Average Joe said...

I thought former pregnant and nursing talking boobs said...

I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!

Her Bad Mother said...

Is there a map?

jen said...

i demand to see those talking girls in july.

creative-type dad said...

Fabio's got big nickels...
Does that mean he's breastfeeding?

andi said...

From a girl who's nipples are really pissing her off lately - thanks for the laugh.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I love that you have an entire label devoted to the girls.

Yay you.

Mimi said...

at least it's better than leaky / spraying / lumpy boobs, right? RIGHT????? (at least, that's what i'm telling myself ...)

Kevin Charnas said...

HHAA!! Maybe they're just hanging their heads (or nips) in shame because they feel guilty for looking at each other at some point...or you know, something like that.

Crunchy Carpets said...

Ooooh yesss...and no type of bra seems to help either muzzle the buggers either.

Lotta said...

Snort. Apparently yours and mine read from the same map so I'll see ya there!

theotherbear said...

Yes, funny - but the nipple thing is something that actually concerns me about having children. Really.

WhyMommy said...

Okay. That's funny. But aren't *all* your posts? Thanks for the crosspost over to Canape's place -- your always make me laugh!