Tuesday, August 14, 2007

He Dreamt of My Name In Lights


I talked to my Dad on the phone last night and he said,

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls?"

"Uh... I don't know, Dad."

"Walk him and pitch to the Rhino."

[Da Pop repeats only the jokey jokes of the finest QUAL-EE-TAY because da Pop be nutzen.]


Later we were talking about the kids and he said,

"Do you call them The Mayor and The Rooster at home?"

I was suddenly really, really, really, really quiet.


[There were bird tweeting noises.]

"Uh... Dad, have you been reading my blog?"

"Yes. Every day."


"For how long?"


"Oh, months now."

(Hi, Dad.)

"So I guess I'll have to stop writing so much about my vagina," I said.

"Well the last I read you were writing about The Rooster's vagina."

"You mean her pussycat?" I asked.

"No. The other post. The one with the song."

Oh, right --- The Gyna Song.

That catchy tune.

I went to the Farmer's Market for groceries right after I wrote about Rooster's Gyna Song.

As I pushed my cart into the store, I realized that I was
doing a strut-shimmy combo and singing at top volume,

"MY GYNA, MY GYNA THE PEE COMES OUT MY GYNA."

Ladies and Gentlemen, LIVE from the market parking lot, it's...


OH, THE JOYS!!!!!!


Welcome to my blog, Dad. You must be so proud.

86 comments:

WILLIAM said...

IS that song like My Sharona? Hi OTJ's Dad.

Mary Alice said...

Family can be so inhibiting. If I had a blog that no one knew about and I could say everything I was thinking, hoo boy. Well, let's just say, people would not be happy with EVERYTHING that is said in the privacy of my own head, like.." Holy Crap the General's wife has a freaking camel toe today. Time to buy bigger pants there, Molly Moo"...you know, stuff like that. Good thing I keep myself censored!

3carnations said...

He's probably most proud that his elephant joke made it onto the blog.

I prefer to keep my blog unknown to the "real folks".

kara said...

whoa...hi dad.

My parents read my blog too and I try to keep it PG-13 but some days are harder than others...

JamesMommy said...

Ha! The joke! Your dad should e-mail it to Nearly Nutless Nick :o)

kristen said...

Hi dad.

Oh, and the fact that you can have this conversation with your dad, even if it is all jokey jokey, is pretty damn wonderful, don't you think?

sam said...

Hey OTJ's papa!! You must be soooo proud!

I know we are!

Yeah, I've been fretting about the possibility that my dad has found my blog... I think I would die if he just nonchalantly mentioned in mid conversation.

~JJ! said...

Howdy...OTPapa...

Nice to meet you!

Ortizzle said...

Some things are just too good not to be shared. Such as elephant jokes.

slouching mom said...

I might think that'd be a tad awkward, but no...

Cuz he's your dad, so he's gotta be cool.

Right?

Right, dad o' OTJ?

Heather said...

That's awesome. Hi, the Dad.

I always wonder if my family reads my blog, but I think only my sister does and I tell her everything anyway...

Honestly though, I am not a terribly private person, so I don't think I would care about other people reading my blog. I could see it causing an issue if work people did though, because I am forever posting about being bored, having nothing to do, and generally slacking.

Beck said...

I know intellectually that my parents read my blog but it always FREAKS ME OUT to have them mention something they read, like I've been caught or whatever.

Selfmademom said...

You know what I love? When I get a cute little email from my mother in law about how "beeeuuuutifffull" that last post was. Ick!

Woman with kids said...

Hi OTJ's Dad! Have any good stories for us?

Julie Pippert said...

LOL...you had no idea?

I'm sure he is proud. :)

Julie
Ravin' Picture Maven

shaz said...

interesting... I was just pondering the topic of how much is too much - I couldn't be as open and honest as you are (which is one of the reasons I love your blog), but there are times I would really looooove to write about things without thinking about who's gonna read it!

Hi to the dad!

canape said...

I think having your dad around could be a good thing. I mean, that was a great baseball joke.

Heather B. said...

The day my father found my blog was the day he discovered 'The Google'. He called me at work and asked "What's this shit you've got on the internet?" While I was busy passing out, he was laughing because it's apparently HYSTERICAL to read about your child's life online. I think he felt like he had some top secret view that no one else had discovered.

I'm praying he missed the post in which I go on and on about how great my boobs looked in my new bra.

Magpie said...

LOL! My mother and in-laws all know about mine, so I edit edit edit.

Momish said...

I always wonder if my blogging will change any the day my mom gets a computer!

Your dad is a riot, but that doesn't surprise me one bit.

liv said...

Hi Dad! So, I hope the profanity doesn't bother you too much, but the idea that my parents might read my blog makes me want to shit myself. But, then again, I write about very bad things.

Hol&J said...

Your dad is pretty cool, because he can talk to you about your blog.

I mean, he said vagina for crying out loud.

I've never heard that word come out of my father's mouth. ;)

My parent's and other family members know about my blog, so I'm pretty tame (or is that lame?).

Sue at nobaddays said...

You and Dooce ... making your dads proud ;-)

Angela said...

OMG! That's just too funny!

HI DAD!

My blog is open to everyone and I mean everyone, work, family, inlaws, etc. So I have to keep it nicey-nice all the time. If I get the tiniest bit negative or sarcastic I hear about it immediately from my mother...and Tom's mother. Ooo boy! Might have to make me a secret blog someday.

NotSoSage said...

Oh, that would be a shock. But you do make a father proud...

Hi Da Pop.

jchevais said...

My 80 year old aunt reads my blog every day.

Argh. The things i don't say could fill a book.

Craze said...

Yikes! I hope I don't have any family reading my blog. Your dad sounds pretty cool!

JoeinVegas said...

Hi dad!

This means you will now have to pass on more of his jokes.

I hope it doesn't change the rest of your content.

jen said...

i love it. i'd love to have dinner with these family members of yours.

Kyla said...

I hope I never have that moment. The one where I find out family reads my blog. Agh!

Jenifer said...

Oh. My parents (in their various forms) do not read my blog. I am not sure I could handle that. Although, I think I could handle my Mom reading, since my Dad is gone I won't have to wonder about that part.

Hi Dad! Have fun reading! We loooove your daughter too.

Deb said...

Oh gosh, I vent out of my blog, so I dont even tell my inlaws!

Above Average Joe said...

Good Afternoon sir. My name is Joe and I have never, ever read anything related to your daughter's....v... va... vagina.

There OTJ, I said it! Happy.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Hi, OTJ's dad.

I live in fear of my mother reading my blog.

Oy.

coffeequeen said...

Oh, my. I think I would crawl under a rock if I found out my parents/in-laws read my blog, especially the one when I compare my parents' marriage to Brit & k-Fed. You are a brave woman!

ali said...

i love your dad! :)

Day Dreamer said...

LMAO...

Um, Hi Dad!!

You write well thought out prose, what's not to be proud of?!!?

CamiKaos said...

my dad reads my blog... actually he reads my blog and then started his own... I try to tone down the sexy sexy talk about my husband but for the most part it is just... well, he chooses to read it.

Aliki2006 said...

I am so sure he's proud--just so sure. I wish my dad read mine and that my mom *did not* :) but there you go. My dad is very un-internet-savvy and doesn't even use a cell phone.

flutter said...

I don't have to be like, appropriate now, do I? Hi Jess's Dad! Thanks for helping make such an amazing girl

Melina said...

Welcome OTJ's DAD!

That is too funny, I had the same realization when my father said to me, "So tell me about this guy from Canada?"

"ACK!!! WHAT? How did you know about...? Oh yeah I wrote about him."

He used to do that when I was younger too, "so I heard you were dancing on the tables last night." Yeah well dad I dance every night on the tables. LOL

Will you censor yourself at all knowing this?

Chaos Control said...

I'm guessing the apple doesn't fall far from the tree ... so your dad must be very, very proud!!

pgoodness said...

Yipe! I don't want my parents reading my blog - all things are on a need to know basis, and mostly, they don't need to know! lol. Though I do have my suspicions that my MIL reads..
Oh well!
HI OTJ Dad!!

Cathy said...

I've spent much time trying to decide which would be scarier —

My parents finding the blog?

or

My in-laws finding the blog?

Still a tossup. But hey, it appears he's unfazed, even, dare we say, entertained, by what he's read.

So:

Hello OTJ Dad! Welcome!

Blog initiation rites include a public rendition of the Gyna Song, venue of your choice.

allrileyedup said...

He should be. It takes a a smart woman to create catchy vagina tunes. Not for the weak of talent, indeed.

Super B's Mom said...

Hello to The Dad!
Nice to meet you!

Jennifer said...

Hello there, OTJ, Dad!

Sugared Harpy said...

Hello, OTJ's dad!

I wish I could have been there for the market performance. I have been known to sing, or cart around children who sing, slightly inappropriate songs.

It's my mother's fault.

She taught me lyrics of her own when she forgot the real ones, gems such as:

Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel, ran so fast he skinned his ass, POP! goes the weasel.

You're welcome to borrow them for your own children. I did.

CroutonBoy said...

Is that song available on iTunes?

There's sooooo much I don't say on my blog because my parents are reading it. It KILLS me. I'm tempted to start a new blog they don't know about just so I can drop those kinds of stories...

Patience said...

I'm sure I love your dad!

Lawyer Mama said...

Oooooooh. I'm sure your family is very proud.

I will pay you money if you go to American Idol auditions and sing that song.

Paige said...

Oh dear Lord, I just cant have blog-related discussions with my mother. It's tooooo hard.

PunditMom said...

Cool dad, OTJ. But he'll have to work on the jokes! ;)

Missing your face since BlogHer!

Iris said...

nxMy sisters float by my blog on occasion, and usually only if I point them to something. I know my BFF in RL reads it too. My mom has no idea what a "blog" is, and my dad, well, even if he was alive, he would be 100 so...... no parental constraints there.

Hey there, OTdad, welcome and I hope you surf around a bit and read some other blogs too!

KC said...

Um, first of all, my dad so tells corny jokes (no offense OTJ's dad).

Second of all, he is always checking my blog which makes me feel weird. I wish he had another hobby.

Redneck Mommy said...

J, I'd be happy to have a dork...I mean daughter like you to call my own.

If I were twenty years older that is.

Snicker.

Hello to your pops! Waving madly!!!

Sunshine said...

My 3-year old says everything for shock value lately, and her favorite thing at the store is telling other women "hey, you got a gyna!"

Yeah, I'm proud.

urban-urchin said...

Hi OTJ's Dad! (quick someone hide the beer!)

He and my dad would get a kick out of each other. My dad doesn't realize the main reason I laugh at his jokes is he is laughing so hard, and they are SOOO dumb and it cracks me up.

I wish you grocery shopped near me- I never hear anything quite as entertaining as the 'Gyna song'

cry it out! said...

Hi Mr. Joy!

I laughed at the elephant. I did. I swear. Your daughter is the best there is. Hands down.
Mike

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

At least your Dad is supportive. My Dad thinks I am an idiot that is trying to get people to kidnap my children.

Alpha DogMa said...

Hi OTJ-Pater. Good job raisin' J - she's awesome. Any advice for those of us in the parenting trenches?

Gingers Mom said...

That is hilarious. So much for the nice anonymous blog, eh? HI Mr. Joys!

amusing said...

Yikes, on so many levels. Yet how nice to know that you love the grocery adventure so much it has you singing at the top of your lungs.

Pssst. You may have already done it, and if so, you are excused (you may also have a perpetual ban on memes; I am newish to the blog and still catching up) but you have been charged with writing "Ten Things I Like About Me" (meaning you) because I figured it would be an endearing hoot.

Now that dad's reading, I guess this isn't the time to tell you about the alternate Park Ranger uniform I found for you to consider -- very hot bike ranger! Short sleeved shirt in pale green with "RANGER" written across the back (those biceps!), short shorts in a darker green (those strong legs pedaling...), and a set of handcuffs clipped on the back belt loop (swoon! take me now!) I'm just saying, you probably already have a bike helmet around somewhere....

notfearingchange said...

LMAO...hi dad....

kittenpie said...

Oh good lord, that is like my worst nightmare, that a family member finds me! (Excpet for My Other Dad, who reads at my invitation, since he doesn't really talk to the rest of the fam.) I hope this doesn't put a crimp in yo' style.

moosh in indy. said...

OTJ dad, you may need to talk my dad off a ledge, he knows more about his baby girl's orgasms than any father should.

Jordan said...

Oh, shit, I can't stop laughing. My whole freakin' family reads my blog so I never *started* posting about gynas but I cannot imagine if I had and them found out someone was reading it - all I can say is, welcome Mr. Joy and I'm sorry, Jess.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Hello, J's dad! Enjoy the vagina talk.

And for the record, I would pass out and die if I found out my dad was reading my blog. Yes, I am 14 years old, why do you ask?

motherbumper said...

Woah

How did he sit on that for so long?

My dad couldn't stay quiet for longer than five minutes before he picked up the phone and called me out. Damn these seniors and their need to understand technology.

zellmer said...

It's sweet, but also kind of a hindrance when some of the main characters in your life are also readers.

What's worse, my father-in-law reads my blog. Which makes me kind of uncomfortable. Plus, I can't make any in-law jabs. So not fair.

Redsy (formerly CrankMama) said...

i love the daddy blog readers. and how could he NOT be proud? you're brilliant!

Omaha Mama said...

That is stinkin hilarious. I hope it doesn't force you to clean it up. I like all the fartin', bow chicka wow wow, gyna dancin', uneven boob, forest ranger talks. Please don't stop for pops!

Grim Reality Girl said...

Wow, I don't know if I could handle my Dad reading about my park ranger fetish. Oh my.

Hello Mr. OTJ! Your daughter is THE BEST!

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

The word "vagina" said anywhere near my dad? Never gonna happen.

I think I am safe since my parents don't even know what a blog is.

My mom is still wondering why I went to Chicago.

Clubbs said...

Ah, I had a good smile about the Gyna song. Sounds like something my daughter would do.

Great blog!

Click here for my blog

Megan/ Velveteen Mind said...

Considering how many of us hide (actively or otherwise) our blogs from our IRL peeps, I think it's remarkable how understated their reactions can be sometimes. Accepting, yes, but understated.

I am pretty sure they are afraid that we'll somehow boot them off of our blogs if they say too much.

I like it that way because I really don't want to know.

Whymommy said...

Oh. My goodness.

My mom and dad read my blog too. Some days I'm proud. Some days I'm mortified.

I wonder if they followed me here?

mrs incredible said...

At least you got a good reception.

My sister read my blog last week and... not so much with the happy. More with the "hey, why'd you write that?!"

So, Hi Dad, and I'm proud of you.

carrie said...

Hee hee.

Family blogging at it's best!

Carrie

EE said...

What did NNnick think of your post???? We need an update!

painted maypole said...

your dad found your blog? how? i find this idea a bit scary. the cat is out of the bag about my blogging since I had to introduce my brother and SIL to a blogger friend I met up with in England. They have yet to ask for a link, but I think my time of no family reading is short, and it frightens me.

TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

Aw man, I can sooooooooo relate!

About six weeks ago, I was talking to my mom on the phone. And she said, "I found your blog." Mind you, she didn't know I even had one. But just for fun, she ran my name through Google. And lo and behold, she was reading.

I have over 600 entries on my main blog. And although I've never said anything bad about my parents, there are plenty of things in there that are "risque" in nature. Plus there's a lot of stuff from my childhood (stuff I did) that mom and dad simply don't need to be privy to.

I've occasionally gone back through my blog to reread some stuff. Then I'll see something and think, "Oh God - now my mom knows THIS too?" Ugh.

I just told her point blank, "I know I can't stop you from reading it. But I'm telling you now that there are things that you simply don't want to know. Therefore, I will NOT discuss anything in this blog with you. The subject of this blog is off limits in ANY future conversations."

So in other words, I'm in denial. It helps me avoid embarrassment.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Yep. Um hum. Welcome to my world. (But what about his friends? And the neighbors?)

Lotta said...

Whenever I hear "gyna" I think of the movie 40 year old virgin. Great tune though!

If my parents read my blog they keep it a secret. We Lutherans like to stick with a don't ask, don't tell if it might hurt someones feelings policy.

Nikki said...

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You are so busted.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I know this post wasn't meant to be sad, but it makes me want to cry. I SO wish my dad could read my blog on the sly. I'm sure your dad really IS proud.