Thursday, August 16, 2007

Hens With Big Hallways

K is in charge of breakfast.

Every morning he makes scrambled egg whites for The Family Joy and we love that about him.

He uses a brand of organic, jumbo, brown eggs from our local farmer’s market that take the idea of a “jumbo egg” to a whole new level.

As Tessa says, they are YOOOGE. They are freakishly large.

Driving home from the market the other day loaded up with a few dozen of these super large eggs, I was thinking about the hens that laid them.

I empathised with the chickens. I pushed The Mayor out and he was an even ten pounds.

My mind strayed to the time Lotta talked about tampons and how her post partum vagina made her feel like she was throwing hot dogs down a hallway and then I returned to the issue of the chickens.

I thought, “The hens that push out these mutant jumbo eggs must have REALLY wide…uh…”

What do you call a hen vagina? Is it simply “hen vagina” or is there some other proper name?

The Old Egg Shoot?

Cootchie Doodle Doo?

I tried to engage K in my intellectual pondering about the biologically correct way to discuss hen vaginas, but he refused my banter.


“Oh! I know… Henetalia!”

K rolled his eyes.

80 comments:

Patience said...

"Cootchie Doodle Doo?" Hah!!!! I love that!

There are some things I just haven't considered, and the proper or improper name of fowl genitalia is one of them. But I'm glad you're doing your part! Thanks!

leendaluu said...

Cloaca (Cloe-ay-ka) is the 'proper' terminology but the ones producing thoe Yooooooge eggs more likely have 'Cluck-achers'. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Blog Antagonist said...

Henatalia. I love it. What the heck do you do with all the egg yolks?

Do you like egg trivia?

http://www.enc-online.org/trivia.htm

S said...

LMAO at Hens w/Big Hallways!!! You've just made my morning!

Paige said...

Man, and when I bumped into you at the Farmers Market, I just thought you two were on an innocent shopping trip.

Henitalia.

Those hens...yeah, I would imagine their hallways are large to push those big old eggs out.

Ew.

Assertagirl said...

I was gonna say "hengina". At least with the males it all falls into place with "cock".

Moi said...

Woman, how are you so funny this early in the morning?

Hysterical.

Mrs. Chicken said...

Henetalia! Genius, woman. When are you going to write your own sitcom? I'd watch!

And what do you do with those yolks??

Kim said...

I love how your mind works...too funny!!!

liv said...

You do have a real sweetie. Gigantic egg scrambling man is charming.

henetalia ---heh.

BOSSY said...

There you go showing off *again* about how your husband makes you breakfast every morning. Gahhh.

BOSSY said...

PS what? how weird! It says i am commenting as Bossy when actually i'm Bill Clinton. i hate it when that happens.

slouching mom said...

Henitalia!

I am dying here.

JamesMommy said...

Cootchie Doodle Doo, Henatalia....love it! You crack me up :o)

Super B's Mom said...

Maybe the chickens in them there parts really do have big hoo-has.

Or...maybe they're emu eggs.

Your humor is too much.

~JJ! said...

Chick Va-jay.

Catizhere said...

Oh, the conversations!

K cooks??! Joe can barely figure out where the kitchen is.

Cloaca. I guess Mom was right. You learn something new every day.

NotSoSage said...

Every day with you must be an adventure.

Jenifer said...

Between the post and comments I learned something (I never knew I needed to know) new today!

What do you do with the yolks? We always make regular scrambled eggs at our house, but we are actually more of an omellette house anyway. That or Daddy's famous chocolate-chip pancakes.

I don't make breakfast either, only toast.

acumamakiki said...

who knew there was a proper name for a hen cootch? henatalia is a good one - perhaps you can hook that dude nick up with some chick that has a cootchie doodle doo

dawn224 said...

Henetalia. Awwwesome.

My friend just had a 10 1/2 pound baby who is under 21 inches. My question was "is he a sphere?" Clearly my question was wrong. I should have asked "is he an egg?"

(friend did say that apparently this was a situation where the weird round crib would be called for)

For the Love... said...

After pushing out those giant eggs do they get "hen-roids"?

Sorry, sorry-bad I know.....

Haley-O said...

Ahhhhhhh! That is TOO FUNNY! I never thought about that before. You have OPENED my MIIIIIND! ;)

meno said...

What you really need to know about hens, is that they only have one exit chute, where everything comes out.

I am totally working the word "henitalia" into a conversation today.

megachick said...

more than any ethical issue, the thought of 'henitalia' might make me consider not eating eggs any more...
nah, they're too yummy. my daughter and i have had egg sandwiches for breakfast for the last 6 days in a row!

Her Bad Mother said...

(bent over clutching gut)

(can't. stop. laughing.)

(will never look at chikens the same way again.)

Above Average Joe said...

All this vagina talk is for the birds.

NoMommy said...

LMAO, but again with the lovely imagery...

Amy said...

Coochie Doodle Do!! LMAO!!

Aliki2006 said...

I can't get over the imagery either, I really can't.

Chaos Control said...

I am absolutely fascinated with the way your brain works!!

Alpha DogMa said...

Sometimes the eggs from our grocer have really really bumpy shells. Like they are covered in the stucco stuff from my oh-so-chic popcorn ceilings. And I always think, poor poor hen who had to squeeze this sandpaper egg out her girl bits (this is what a punphobe call the hentalia)!

You are soooooooo funny. And obviously: drunk on gin from the minibar. Have a macadamia nut and soak up some of that liquor.

Circus Kelli said...

HAhahahaha! Perfect!

QT said...

You are too funny. I highly recommend creme brulee be made with those leftover yolks. Feed it to the kids if you don't want it.

leeandluu beat me to it, tho I was going to say "vent", which is the term for ducks, geese, and chickens.

BillyWarhol said...

i love Fried Eggs + Bacon + Heinz Ketchup!!

but i love yer Hen Vagina even more!!

oh lordy - i was NOT expecting that*

;PPP

+ the Horny Hen Vagina replied:

ANY COCKLEDOO!!!!

imhelendt said...

LMAO. We think alike. My friend, Beth wrote a hysterically funny entry once with a whole bunch of vagina names, some I'd never even heard, that made me laugh until I cried. Enjoy! http://www.acid-indignation.com/2007/02/is-your-betty-ready.html Maybe it will help you with more hen names although, it's kinda rated R. lol.

g-man said...

Pretty funny. Cock-a doodle cooter.

What do you do with the yolks? Which begs the question, on farm raised chickens to they produce the yolks of oppression?

mamatulip said...

You are fucking hysterical!

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

Seriously, when can we have drinks? You are so damn funny.

Bryan and I make up words like this all the time. My all-time favorite is "poobs," - for the hair surrounding his nipples.

Cece said...

After a few of those laying spurts I bet you they beg to be butchered! OUCH!

mel from freak parade said...

Henatalia. Bwhahahaha:::Choke:::
Bwaahhahahaha::Snort.

Tabba said...

excuse my tongue....

but by god woman, you are a fucking genius.

i would SO be game for that banter.
anytime.

Lawyer Mama said...

I laughed so hard, I think I just shat myself.

I like coochie doodle doo, personally!

Annie said...

Thanks for the laugh! I needed it.

JayJenny said...

OMG, I can always count on finding a laugh here - thanks!

flutter said...

Henatalia. I am so effin afraid of the google searches that will surely follow...

PT-LawMom said...

Totally LMAO!!!

jakelliesmom said...

And to keep her hen-self covered: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/7365

furiousBall said...

Henetalia is almost as good as my favorite made up word used to describe the brown part of a banana - bananus

Karen Forest said...

too funny!

Not The Mama said...

Henatalia -- I love it.

I just stumbled across your blog and it's the best laugh I've had today. I'll definitely be back!

Lottifish said...

OMG, I love you! You are too funny!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

In college, we had an egg drop contest.

But it may not have been the same thing.

You're a hoot. Thanks for sharing.

NotAMeanGirl said...

Bawk Bawk Bawk Bwah Ha!!!! I was laughing so hard I fekkin' SNORTED! lol. I lurrrrve puns! (What was that? Why yes... I have been to the Punitentary. Why do you ask? Oh YES. Quite Punishing! I sued em for false arrest. Got Punative damages!)

I'm so sorry ::hangs head:: I had to! Its a ... sickness.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Hens...they are tough bitches! Oh wait that's dogs.

This is the funniest damn thing I have read in a long time. I have a thing for chickens you know...no no no what you think. ;) I grew up in the country and loved the red hens and their brown eggs.

K rocks...my husband loves to cook but a big breakfast like that is just a weekend thang around here.

The Old Egg Shoot...SNORT!!!!!!

mrs incredible said...

you need to patent the word henetalia, or you are going to see it on some episode of The Office or something and be really biter.

Cause that's funny stuff!!

Heather said...

Seee....hilarious!

Ortizzle said...

I think "henetalia" is perfect. Alghough, according to this http://tinyurl.com/2pfejb
s, it is also called a vagina in a hen. What made me laugh about this diagram is how the lower part of the vagina, where there is a connection to the large intestine, is called the "cloaca" which in Spanish means "sewer." Eeewwww!

carrie said...

I. Can't. Even. Breathe.

You need your own sitcom!

Carrie

carrie said...

Oooops, didn't mean to bogart the sitcom reference from anyone.

I really need to read what everyone else says before I write, but that post was too funny. I couldn't wait!

Carrie

Scarlett Wanna Be said...

Ohhhhhh, henitalia....what fun! Cocks, vaginas, and chickens, always a great combo.. funny wise, not freak wise.

Pgoodness said...

I do love the way your mind works! Henetalia - absolutely freaking hilarious. I will never look at a hen the same again!

Jennifer said...

Henetalia!

Henetalia!

I can't think of anything else to say write now. Henetalia! is chasing out every other thought.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I'm gonna go throw away the eggs in my fridge now.

Kyla said...

Henetalia. You are hilarious, OTJ!

Jozet said...

Henetalia!

Why I outta!

*snert*

Omaha Mama said...

You are too funny.

I'm interested to know how the eggs whites are any good with no yolks. Do you eat them on toast? What does he season them with? I'm so intrigued.

But I'm sure that's just me.

jen said...

i so love these exchanges w/ you and K. i can picture it right there in your kitchen. (does he put ginger in the eggs?)

Queeny said...

"Henetalia" deserves a spot in the dictionary. In fact, I'm gonna email the big shots at Webster's right now.

tooruinagaki said...

OH!Thank you!

Little Monkies said...

My friend in Seattle has chickens (in her backyard of her swanky house) and says when the chickens are happy, they lay HUGE eggs and when they are pissed off, they squeak out the little ones. Go figure.

The Hotfessional said...

Oh, ow. That hurt. I don't recommend actually saying "Henetalia" out loud, and then snorting while sitting at work with your office door open though.

Take it from me.

painted maypole said...

ha ha ha ha ha

And are you trying to write more about Vaginas now, knowing that your dad is reading?

Lotta said...

Always happy to help with vagina euphamisms.

kittenpie said...

ha ha - I love it. I do adore a good pun. (It is, though, a cloaca, the latin word for sewer and the outlet for eggs and waste, as well as the inlet for inseminating eggs.)

ewe are here said...

I don't know how I'm ever going to get to sleep again wondering abou this.

Whymommy said...

Ya got me. Haaaaaaa!

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

The things you think of to... entertain us. Thank you.

Gingers Mom said...

Henatalia. That's perfect. Hotdogs down a hallway? LOL. That is the ideal description. Man, us women have a rough road don't we?

jchevais said...

I truly believe that Henetalia has been etched into my psyche.

Brilliant pun.