Sunday, August 12, 2007

People of the Internet! Nick Needs You!

Today it is with a heavy heart, dear Internet friends, that I report feeling deeply troubled about one of the readers of this blog.

I am worried that Nick is missing a testicle.

Last Friday, I got the following comment notification e-mail from Nick:


From: nickshea1@gmail.com
To: Oh The Joys
Subject: New Comment on Oh, The Joys

Nick has left a new comment on your post "Imagining Ceremony":

The mayor and the rooster is actually what I call my penis and balls.

what a coincidence. Truly.

Because The Mayor and The Rooster are singular, they only name two things. (And under normal circumstances, I would think Nick would need THREE names... you know... down there in the Yipee Yahoo region.)

Let's deconstruct his message, shall we?

I think it is reasonable to assume that The Mayor of Nick's crotch... is a DICK.

This either leaves Nick with two balls sharing a single name... OR... this is a cry for help.

Who ever heard of TWO balls with ONE name?

This is a cry for help! Nick needs attention!

Nick wants us to know that his poor, little testicle is flying solo.

Poor Nick.

Poor solitary testicle without a wingman.

Please send Nick your condolences regarding his missing testicle at
nickshea1@gmail.com.

We're here for you Nick. Get well soon.

62 comments:

Jackie said...

Poor, poor Nick indeed.

Robin said...

You're so popular, you get all the good comments. I'm so envious. No, really. 8-]

liv said...

jess, I'm a little scared to email a dude with 1 testicle who is clearly going to get a lot of email and also have my email address. might I just suggest that he "henny penny" to the mix? that way the rooster would at least have a suitable companion, especially as le coq would be only slight muddying the waters...

flutter said...

Dear Nick,

Was it some kind of horrible accident? A flaming arrow? A swift kick? May your little swimmers congregate comfortable in their single vestibule.

love,

Flutter

Iris said...

I am thinking that nick is just one big DICK with no balls

MamaLee said...

Perhaps he has 2 roosters and forgot to use an S? My rooster - my roosters? Hm.

Who would want a rooster. Cocks are better.

I've sent him a get well card and an ice pack.

XOXO

Ortizzle said...

Well, he did say 'balls' in the plural in his comment. Maybe he just forgot to put the 's' on roosters. Or maybe they're just not much to crow about. Either way, you're right. He must be in some kind of biological or psychological trouble. :-D

ewe are here said...

As my 2 year old, MF, would say: "Poor Nick." And then he would nod knowingly.


hahahahahaha

Devilish Southern Belle said...

Haha, this is beyond hysterical. Your response, I mean. Nick is obviously a git with too much time on his hands.

acumamakiki said...

that is some kind of funny. and reminds me of that movie while you were sleeping - the coma dude had one ball and look where it got him? maybe when he says rooster what he really means is cock-a-doodle-doo?

urban-urchin said...

your response to this dickless troll is yet another reason I adore you.

Nick Sans Dick (sounds like a soap opera character n'est pas?)

zdoodlebub said...

you flarkin rock.

Tabba said...

oh, Jess....how I have missed thee.

Tabba said...

oh & how about Klinger?

Jennifer Dawson said...

I am wondering if maybe he named is balls Rooster because a guys ball sack looks kinda like the wattle on the roosters neck? He has one wattle, that holds his two balls...

Omaha Mama said...

EEEWWWWWW...

I don't wanna talk to Nick.

Blog Antagonist said...

Damn. How come *I* don't have any eunich lunatics commenting? You have all the fun.

mamatulip said...

*snort*

Have I told you I think you're so damn cool? Oh yeah, right. Last post. *sigh* I'm running out of material here.

But you are.

slouching mom said...

Well of course he is without a second ball -- he's a troll.

mothergoosemouse said...

Methinks a power struggle exists within Nick's nether regions.

His penis has a dual personality - Rooster (aka cock) and Mayor (aka "head" honcho). And he has no balls whatsoever, they are simply a figment of his psychopathic penile imagination.

meno said...

I can't even begin to imagine how grateful Nick will be to you for your thoughtful post about his testicles.

You are so sweet!

Woman with kids said...

I wonder if Nick's real name is Nearly Nutless Nick?

Sorry, still on a Potter kick.

~JJ! said...

Nick is balless?

Poor poor Nick!


But he could just refer to his "sack" as Rooster. His sack is one item containing two balls...and it does usually hang like a rooster's waddle.

No?

Or did I just think too hard.

My brain hurts.

Aliki2006 said...

I agree-poor Nick indeed. And I DON'T want details at all--blech, let him just keep his personal problems to himself, poor, poor Nick.

Lawyer Mama said...

I would feel a bit sorry for Nick but, um, I just don't!

(Oh & yes, farting totally counts. Our kids are geniuses.)

painted maypole said...

you mean you didn't name your children after nick's naughty parts? I mean, that's what I heard.

Virtualsprite said...

Hee hee hee hee hee.

That's really funny. Poor guy.

shaz said...

I almost feel sorry for the guy!

great response!! :)

Heather said...

I have never loved you more than THIS moment.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

What a nut!

Tammy Duplessie said...

I don't know if I should laugh or cry! I think I'll laugh! lol

Trenting said...

Wait a sec, he's missing his gnad and maybe some other stuff.. Is he a p***y? I know, that was crass.. too much wine..

Jennifer said...

Oh, you are such a bad ass.

In the very best way.

Dodi said...

I've been trying to think of what to say to Nick that might help him out but I am at a loss. Does Hallmark have a card for this? Thought of asking my hubby but I don't think he's going to find the humor in it like I did. So all I can up with is a)Nick needs to get a new email address b)Nick needs to see a uroligist and c)Nick is gonna need a therapist and a new identity.

kgirl said...

you are an evil genius.

Scarlett Wanna Be said...

You know, maybe there is some bad blood between Nick and his other ball. Maybe, that particular nut hasn't been doing it's share, falling asleep on the job, or maybe it hasn't been keeping a clean work space (you know how nuts like to collect things...lint, toliet paper, cheese). Maybe it is going through a rebellious stage and decided to get a piercing without permission. I don't know, I'm just saying that most men love their "boys" and those who go to the trouble naming them, aren't going to leave one out unless there has been some drama in the "grundle region" if you know what I mean. My guess is, either they had a falling out or just it fell off.

carrie said...

My sides hurt now, from the laughing -- oh, the laughing!!

Carrie

For the Love... said...

I think I know Nick-He was stopped next to me at a red light. He was pleasuring himself and was kind enough to thrust his ass up high enough so that me and the kids could see him. Thanks again Nick.

OMG - Woman With Kids that is too funny!

NoMommy said...

Oh, such awful images in my head of Nick and his nasty rooster wattle.

You are hilarious as ever.

BTW, grandma & grandpa will take the kids (not Nicks) anythime!

Lisa Milton said...

J, I think I love you.

Above Average Joe said...

For a second I thought the email was from Mr Jessica Simpson.

What was that song?
Here comes Nick with his Mayor in his hand. He's a one ball (named Rooster) man and he's off to the rodeo.

BOSSY said...

Dear Soul Sister,

You are Bossy's Soul Sister.

Love, your soul sister.

PS: Soul sister, soul sister.

CG said...

You are awesome. Most people would either be very upset at that or ignore that comment. I love how you post it for all to see how sick some people can be, and to leave his email even better. I hope he get a ton of emails!
Poor, poor Nick.

Jenny said...

Isn't Nick Shea they guy who used to be married to Jessica Simpson?

My god, you're getting comments from one-balled celebrities!

EE said...

Ok, now I've got the heebie-jeebies. Did that email freak you out at all????

Craze said...

Nick is nutless? That's crazy!

Sarcasm Abounds said...

It must be Monday. Haven't even had coffee yet, and I already have to deal with Nick's crotch.

Three's company said...

Maybe the missing "party of the second part" descended, took a look at the "party of the first part" and the two dicks (Nick and his significant other) and was so embarrassed that it decided to return whence it came. Maybe it's just hiding out. You know, like Osama. Keeping a low profile and hoping no one notices.

canarygirl said...

*through the tears of laughter*
OMFG I haven't laughed this hard in a few weeks. Thank you! Let me resume: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Catherine said...

LOL! Poor, poor Nick. :)

Thanks for the comment and book recommendation - I'm always looking for more books...

Kelly said...

I've been dying to use the word 'uni-ball' for some time now, and thank you! I get the chance!

Jenn said...

Ah, fresh out of pity, but overflowing with bitchy.

No "poor nicks" from me.

furiousBall said...

You know there are lots of productive single ballers out there... Lance Armstrong, John Kruk, Karl Rove...well not the last one, but I do wish someone would stomp on one of them.

Melina said...

I had a boyfriend in highschool that named his balls Enrique and Pablo don't remember what he named is dick if he did, but I figured okay sure. So then I named my boobs Thelma and Louise and it stuck, still call the girls that.

If a guy can name his dick and balls then I can name my boobs.

In regards to Nick I would think the Rooster was his dick, since it is close to a COCK. He should then name his balls the Mayor and the Governer (I know I'm thinking way too much into this, but I'm intrigued).

Nick, hope you have two if you do think about the suggestion I made haha...

If not, sorry to hear about it, but your still a man sure you are.

Biddy said...

i think a better name for his one testicleness would be "the lone ranger"

Natsthename said...

All I can say is, ROFLMAO!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Cock a doodle dud. Poor Nick.

Alpha DogMa said...

Note to self: don't fuck with OTJ. She is funny and mean. A lethal combo.

Mrs. T said...

You know, Hitler had only 1 ball.

kocovnik said...

Göring has two but very small.

Flawed & Disorderly said...

Haaaa ha! Ironman read this post to me in bed the other night. I laughed until I cried!!! Too funny. We both want to write that guy, but we're probably too lazy to ever get around to it. Did he ever respond in any way?

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

Maybe his left is called "The" and his right is called "Rooster"