Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Work Porn

After traveling from the San Juan Islands in the Pacific Northwest all the way to the deep, deep South with two tiny, poopy children on Sunday, I was dismayed to learn on Monday morning that I had to fly to Washington, D.C. for work on Tuesday.

[That would be the 6:20 a.m. flight.]

Because I was on Pacific Coast time, I couldn't fall asleep on Monday night. The last time I saw the clock on my nightstand it said 2:12 a.m. and I knew my alarm clock was set to go off at four.

I somehow managed to haul my behind to our nation's capitol, cope with my meeting and make it back to the airport, but I was exhausted.

When my young colleague told me her husband was picking her up at the airport and offered me a ride home I happily accepted even though my house is out of their way.

Sitting in the back seat of their car on the way home I couldn't help but notice that the seat was remarkably crumb free. It wasn't sticky either.

My colleague and her husband are thirty, newly married and child free.

Sitting there, I imagined how their night would proceed after they dropped me off.


I pictured them going out to dinner at a nice restaurant and sharing the details of their day.

The next thing I knew I was I totally making a mental porno film out of their lives imagining them naked and moaning in full throttle bow chicka bow wow mode.

While the two of them talked in the front seat, I was in the back listening to imaginary wah-wah guitar music and thinking of my colleague's head tossed back in ecstasy.

I was too tired to shut it off.

Their car pulled into my driveway and I got out of the car knowing that my night was going to unfold very differently than my imagined version of theirs.

I trudged up the steps to my front porch and noticed a bright green Luna moth sitting on the top step. It didn't move when I passed.

When my front door opened I heard the screaming.

It was already long past bedtime, but a great howling was emanating from my children's bedroom.

"I have to get out of here," K said.

"Okay. Do what you have to do." I told him.

He grabbed his keys and headed for the door.

"Wait!" I said. "I have to show you something."

I went outside with him, pointed out the Luna moth and said,

"Dude. LOOOOO-NESSSSS-TRAAAAAAAAA!"

Are there sleeping pills for children?

62 comments:

Queen Karana said...

Dude. If only there were such a thing. Why is it that kids seem to have an eternal supply of No-Doz?

Hope you got some sleep!

(Wow, am I really the first?)

Robin said...

Apparently, yes. But not OTC, you have to get a prescription...

Lady Latte said...

Well, at least you got a good movie ;-).

With older kids sleep is no trouble, but spending "quality time" takes some planning. Like meeting at home for lunch.

Just found your blogg and I'll be back!

nutmeg said...

Yes! It's called BENADRYL!

ephelba said...

Ahhhh.... but in the under six crowd the Benadryl can bite back and actually cause hyperactivity- you never know if it's your kid that will get hyper instead of sleepy till you try it.
I try to remind myself that I will be waking their sleepy tuckus-es up during the teenage years, thus getting some small measure of payback.

Dutch said...

They probably just fell asleep on the couch after watching something on HBO On Demand.

If they have as much ecstatic porno sex as you imagine, their fate will not be so different from yours, in the end. there's some comfort in that.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

ha ha ha, I love you sitting there porning on their non-kid vibe.

JoeinVegas said...

Ever try vodka jello shots?

But your mental porn videos - who knows, search the web, maybe you can find some real ones they made.

Cathy said...

Are you sure The Relaxed Childless Young Couple didn't go reeallly out of the way, dropping you off at my house by mistake?

If so -- RUN!

Because our kids have tapped into a secret and seemingly endless supply of speed. As in the drug. Not sure who their dealer is, but I suspect a daycare classmate who's just a little too peppy at 7:30 in the morning.

Aliki2006 said...

I have fantasies about relaxed, childless couples all the time--that's why I stay away from them.

jchevais said...

Milk before bed works wonders as a child sedative.

Bless our cows.

Suz said...

I've had to do my fair share of those one-day trips to DC...even with a direct flight they're exhausting. However, I think that it would take a little more than that for me to start imagining my colleagues nekkid. Scary.

Lisa Milton said...

We have some nice sights here in the Pacific NW, but no luna moths. I'm intrigued. Do they really glow?

(I'm just like the preschoolers.)

Be well and rest fair traveler.

Mimi said...

Oh man. What a day. I know how K feels too -- I used to have a lot of days like that when on solo duty, and Pynchon gets them now when I travel for work. Or to BlogHer ;-)

My sister reccommends the FP method ... that 'frying pan' if you don't know. Bonk.

BOSSY said...

Bossy remembers the good old days when Excellent Mothers like Judy Garland set the gold standard for recipes like Dilaudid Pablum.

moosh in indy. said...

The childless.
Boo.
The less time I spend around them the better for my sanity.
Swimming craps my kid out, but it is yet to come in pill form.

Lotta said...

It's called Benadryl my friend. It's summer, I'm sure you can blame it on allergies. Keeping the old ear passages dried up so nobody gets an ear infection you know.

And God I'm with you. Everyday lately I wake up and say "Who can take my children today?" and when the answer back is "Nobody" I want to scream.

Merry Mama said...

Well, at least you got the pleasure of a movie, without paying the rental fee. I've found myself doing the same thing...

wordgirl said...

We have some neighbors our age who have no children. They both work and love their jobs. They have a pool and they travel all the time. No one cooks, but they have a fabulous kitchen. They hang out with friends and stay incredibly connected to the community. They do what they want...when they want and all of their disposable income goes into furthering their own hopes and dreams. Sometimes...not often...but sometimes I wonder what that's like.

Lawyer Mama said...

Benadryl, babe, Benadryl. (But test it out sometime when you're NOT sleep deprived.)

flutter said...

LOL

you know, my mom used brandy....

Rusti said...

I'm so sorry that you had to leave again so soon after arriving hom e- and that you were barely able to fall asleep before waking again. You do seem to have a great imagination... I wonder what your colleague would think if she could see inside your head at that time :) I hope that you were able to get the screaming to stop and into bed quickly... and that you were able to sleep without dreaming of the bow chicka bow bow you'd previously imagined :)

Can you give kids bendryl when they aren't itchy?? hmm.... ;)

Blog Antagonist said...

I feel your pain. Diminutive One is a nightowl like me and often has trouble sleeping. Sometimes, I just want to drug him into oblivion so he will LEAVE ME ALONE already.

kittenpie said...

Oh yes. I believe it's called gravol. Not that I've tried this, but if it does for them what it does for me...

Above Average Joe said...

Are there sleeping pills for children? Yes, ther'ye called educational programming.

Craze said...

I often find myself daydreaming about other people and their lives. Lunestra! Good one.

Christina_the_wench said...

He bolted? Aw HELL no!

Biddy said...

hahahaha

yes, they are called benadryl. in fact, i dose my dog with baby benadryl quite regularly so she'll shut the hell up while i try to sleep!

Mama en Fuego said...

I know how you feel. It drives me nuts when I know Anna is tired, but she will.not.go.to.sleep.

Circus Kelli said...

I would have responded with "Ok, love, where should we go?" :)

Lene said...

Oh how life was easy before we had kids!

Benadryl is right!

furiousBall said...

Yes, it's called educational television.

Augs Casa said...

reading your last two posts, your house sounds so much like mine. sometimes it can be a real bite in the shorts.

Kymerean said...

Porning in the back seat about your colleague, thats funny. I figured you would be ready for a night much different than what you went home to. LOL.

Jenn said...

You mean Pedia-Care nighttime formula is not a child sleep aid?

My bad.

Anonymous said...

Being childless is not all that wonderful. The state's gonna have to put me in a home some day! Hang in there eventually, they'll sleep all the time and will ignore you as parents.

mamatulip said...

I want to meet you so badly.

PT-LawMom said...

We found out the hard way the Benadryl and their ilk have the opposite reaction in our son. I may move on to my mother's standby, the "hot toddy" (hot water, lemon, honey and BOOZE), if my son doesn't darn well start to sleep. It's exam week. I'm cranky, damn it!

Thanks for the laugh. Your day sounds exhausting but you kill me. ;)

liv said...

Dude. I know--so know. Now imagine if you came home and there were no K? If it was some half assed babysitter and the entire house was in unbearable chaos. Welcome to my world every night of the week. See...and I bet K came back, too!

The Happy Housewife said...

Brandy works for me - if the kids won't drink it, pour yourself a glass - what the hell, finish the bottle - at least you'll get some zzzzzz's...

Kids, eh? Who'd 'ave 'em?

mrs incredible said...

30 and no kids. That's a lotta fantasy, no one blames you!

Rock the Cradle said...

I asked myself that very question the first 5 months of the Impling's life.

Unfortunately, the answer always was:
Suffer.

mcewen said...

I sympathise far more than you know. Getting over jet lag can be such a challenge.
Best wishes

AmandaD said...

My older daughter used to be stopped in her tracks by the Lunesta butterfly. I marveled at its ability to translate the sleep assistance through the screen. Soon I realized that the thick Spanish accented Banderas Bee enthralled her, so too did the animated copper pipes, the restless legs, oh-my-dear-god my daughter had become a virtual addict. So frightening.

Worker Mommy said...

Life before kids...ahh yes what great mental porn it would be.

Starrlight said...

Yeah Benadryl totally turned kidlet into the bouncing beanie baby from hell. Totally the opposite effect than what you want.

QT said...

It is a well known fact that children actually manufacture their own meth.

I sometimes sit in meetings, bored, and run similar porn films. I actually have to make myself stop or I would hurl.

Mrs. Chicken said...

If you get some of those pills, I will pay good money for some. Good, good money.

Natsthename said...

SUre, it's called Benadryl. They have allergies, right?

slouching mom said...

okey dokey.

the consensus is benadryl.

let us know how it goes.

Jonathon Morgan said...

I've always wondered what it's like to be a grown-up without kids. Edan came so young, that the idea is a little difficult to imagine, actually (not that I'd change anything, just sayin'.)

Lisa said...

You SO should get "wifey of the year" for letting that man leave as you were coming home... Very, very tired.

He's a lucky guy. :-)

Jen M. said...

My version of kiddie sleeping pills is a really big dinner, followed by a hot bath and a bedtime snack with warm milk (this is for them, not me). Of course, it doesn't always work, but then I like the illusion of thinking I can control when my monsters go to bed.

Boy, you would be hard pressed to tear me out the the Pac. NW. When we lived in Georgia (Macon Junior League Alumni right here!)we would fly out to Portland and Seattle to visit family and it was always so hard to transition back to the muggy, sticky summer days.

Hope you slept some.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I so hope your colleague reads your blog. Won't that daydream be fun to talk about over morning coffee at the office?

As for sleeping, gin. No, just kidding.

Whiskey.

carrie said...

"a great howling", I so know what you mean. Around here, my husband calls it the viking war cry.

Carrie

SUEB0B said...

Ooh. Ouch.

ewe are here said...

I think I've greeted my husband that way a time or two: must.leave.now!

Hope you get some sleep.

Liam's Mom - Gina said...

This post cracks me up! Reminds me that my husband has said he doesn't remember life before the baby... and I am baffled by this. I've been daydreaming about my old life since Liam was born... I will never forget how it WAS.

urban-urchin said...

BENADRYL

kellypea said...

Hilarious as always. One of these days I promise to be the very first person to respond to your post. I'll make it my life's quest. Being number 597 really sucks.

Devilish Southern Belle said...

Oh, how I can relate! You are much busier than me, though. I hope the night got better!

Damselfly said...

Sounds really horrible. Not a good way to come back from vacation. Cruel. And showing sleeping pill ads when you're sleep starved is crueler than cruel!