Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Don't Be Intimidated By My Super Powers

Last week when The Rooster was home sick she suggested [cough] that we go to a sporting goods store to buy a new Speedo for me.

So I said,

"What a great idea, Roo! You will be well in no time thanks to the restorative, healing power that comes from crossing of things off of Mama's to do list!"

We successfully replaced the tired, nearly see through old suit with a new one.

This morning
at the pool I took the new suit on its maiden voyage.

The suit is black and sleek...

And tight!


It holds everything IN and UP.

[Praise Jeebus for the Lycra!]


Feeling like a satiny seal, I slipped into the pool and launched myself down the lane.

I couldn't help but notice how smoothly I was gliding along.

I thought,
"I'm an aquatic super power -- like a BULLET shooting through the water!"

"Okay, okay... a forty year old, sagging bullet with an aching shoulder and gas trouble."


[Who looks more like a sperm than anything else.]


Whatever.

Can't touch this.


56 comments:

Special K ~Toni said...

It holds everything IN and UP-

Sadly, this is now what we look for in all clothing, not so much how cute something is!

Hetha said...

This may just be my favorite OTJ Photoshop rendering of all time!

painted maypole said...

i am always sad when I have to throw away a suit because it is wearing thin.

And a little MC Hammer to get me going int he moring... thanks!

Jenifer said...

IN and UP I live by those words.

Deb said...

You go girl, I am jammin while i slam down coffee cup number 5!

Matthew said...

Congrats on the new suit.

I saw MC Hammer in concert back in the day.

Sadly, I also owned parachute pants, but that's between you and me.

Lisa Milton said...

Oh, the sleek seal. I envy your aquatic powers, for I have none. Unless water yoga counts, and I somehow doubt it.

WILLIAM said...

Since you have the gas problems, do you sound like a motor boat when you swim?

Sayre said...

Ah, the power of a new suit - especially one that makes you feel like a satiny seal!

I always liked that song, but honestly, the full-diaper look got way too much play...

JoeinVegas said...

Satiny seal - what color, black? Did you test if it was flash safe?
Thanks for the song.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I'll never think of sperm the same way again.

cronznet said...

I, too, always feel sleek, satiny, sealish--until the locker room mirror interferes with the fantasy! Somehow it reveals a rather sperm-whale-ish view of my physique.

kgirl said...

I swear chocolate milk almost came out of my nose. I may never put on a bathing suit again.

Moi said...

I love space age polymers and their abilities to help ... things ... defy gravity.

PunditMom said...

Woman, you are so cool it's scary!

miss bliss said...

I usually don't admit to laughing out loud...but that picture is hilarious!

Also sad to admit I could sing along. Sad, Sad!

Above Average Joe said...

What super hero would that make you, Speedo-woman?

Able to swim oceans in a single flatulence?

Pinks & Blues said...

Hilarious! Loved this post. I'm a former swimmer... so I just laughed out loud as I read this!! And I loved how you wrote it held everything up and in! Good for you mama!!
Love it!!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues

urban-urchin said...

What brand is the in and up suit? Cuz honey, if I can find such a suit without having to try on a millon that give me camel toe or cut into my hips so that I look like I have a ledge of fat, I'm in. I think bathing suit shopping is the most demoralizing shopping experience next to jean shopping. Except maybe getting fitted for your first bra as a preteen- that probably takes the demoralizing shopping cake, so to speak....

*~*Cece*~* said...

I wish I had super powers.

Melina said...

I'm buying one to wear as a girdle thanks for the idea. LOL... You make me want to buy photoshop I love the picture.

Wendy said...

I vote for Jessica as the new Aquaman, ur, woman in the Justice League movie.

QT said...

Yes - count this as one of my faves too!!!

nikki said...

ha! I know I'm aging when I search for clothing products with the term "better support" in them.

AmandaD said...

I so thought we were approaching a huge defect in the 8 inch seam along the backside.

flutter said...

Dude, you're hot. Even with gas.

acumamakiki said...

you funny. especially the video clip.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

Even that sounds tempting to me.

BOSSY said...

With sperm like that, who needs Eggz?

(Bossy is just jealous because she still wears the bathing suit with the Gravity Issues.)

(Plus they don't make bathing suits out of White Tank Tops.)

furiousBall said...

from the male perspective, in and up are not good bath suit qualities...well, now that i think about it...especially with the speedo brand, out and down would be bad too. it's a lose-lose situation here.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Love the picture!

Lycra should be like a temple god of all mothers for it's super In and Up powers.

I remember when Hammer pants were all the rage. Sigh.

Redneck Mommy said...

Laughing my ass off at that picture.

Until I remembered I need to buy a new swimsuit to squeeze my jiggly arse into.

Suddenly, I'm not laughing any more.

Shit.

Rock the Cradle said...

You lil' badass Photoshop wench!

And MC Hammer...I'm feelin' the years...

JaniceNW said...

My first thought: She looks like a sperm. LOL

CamiKaos said...

you rock.

and I envy you the sleek new suit.

The buying of a swim suit... well it isn't a happy thought for me and my belly.

liv said...

Dude, babe. I swear that if I ever find a bathing cap worthy of your powers I am going to mail it to you. Either that or I'll leave it hanging on the railing in front of the flamingo habitat at the zoo.

ewe are here said...

In and Up, huh?

I need a new swimsuit.

carrie said...

Thank you, for the much needed giggle!

Aaaaaah, MC Hammer . . . I wonder if those pants will ever come back in style? IF so, don't think I could partake!

Loralee Choate said...

I haven't put on a swimsuit in about 10 years. It may have to do with the fact that I have the muscle-tone of head cheese.

Maybe if I lose the flabby, mom-is-lazy body, I will attempt to don one.

Except not being lazy won't fix the fact that I have treetrunks for ankles and that Hilary Clinton kicks my ass in the legs department.

Never mind...

Lisa said...

oh, this is darn funny. DARN funny.

meno said...

I find that gas issues are a propellatory (is TOO a word) advantage when swimming.

notfearingchange said...

LMAO - I am not sure what I loved more the video or the photo! Good job on the Roo

Mimi said...

you do look like a sperm. could be worse. you could look like mc hammer.

Lotta said...

You are strong and sexy beast!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am with you on the lycra thing....God bless whoever invented it! However, I feel certain there is little on you that needs to held in OR up!


Just sayin!

Mommahbear. said...

rofl!!

Truly. You are one of the funniest people I've ever read! I love it!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

A satiny seal. . you are awesome.

Aliki2006 said...

I had to show my husband that picture, it was just too funny NOT to share!

Alpha DogMa said...

Every one needs a theme song. You've got yourself a winner. Now if only you had some MC Hammer-type pants. That would intimidate and scare the shit out of me.

Mama's Moon said...

Soooo can't touch this. That image was just waaaay too much to handle! You crack the hell outta me!

Theresa said...

In and Up are my middle names! You kill me!!!!!!

~JJ! said...

Hammer Pants.

I love it.

Paige said...

the hammer video...such a nice way to punctuate this missive.

Squiggles Mom said...

LOL. Loved the pic.

Bitsy Parker said...

I've just spent five minute of my day watching McHammer. Now I don't have to workout. (Like I was going to anyway.)

Damselfly said...

Gee, thanks. Until that video, I had completely forgotten about those old baggy rap pants.....

And you really don't look like a sperm. Although I'm sure they are attracted to you. ;)