Friday, September 21, 2007

I'm So Bloated I Could Jog

This morning I was gripped by the anal fever.

[I have to stop typing and enjoy that first sentence. Oh, my literary masterpiece!]

I'll rephrase that and say that I was COMPELLED (by certain personality traits linked to issues of control) to clean my closet this morning.

Here in the deep south that is what one must do at the first hint of cool weather.


QUICK!

Pack up all the sleeveless shirts, the linen frocks, the shorts...

BE GONE!

ALL OF YOU TO THE ATTIC!!

Bring out the parkas and alpaca sweaters!


[In two weeks you will find me sweating like a pig and trudging up the attic stairs trying to find something to wear but don't even think of mocking me or I will be forced to say something nasty about you in a sweet tone of voice and follow it up with "bless your heart."]

Anyway, I unpacked my fall wardrobe and found it lacking.

Somehow I don't own any fat pants.

How can this be?

How can a woman such as myself manage without fat pants?

It can't be done.

Every so often (like... I don't know... say every TWENTY EIGHT DAYS) a woman needs some fat pants.

I need them right now.

My distended Sharpei is PRESSING against the button of my jeans.

People, Aunt Flo is on her way and I ain't got no stinkin' fat pants.

I found this picture as a header to an article on PMS.



Riiiiight.

That's EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.

Must. Buy. Fat Pants.


87 comments:

CamiKaos said...

fat pants are a necessary and comforting part of female life... and I am wearing mine RIGHT now.

Amy said...

I hate those fews days each month when I stand at the closet wondering which of my loose pants or A-line skirts to wear while I'm feeling like a puffer fish. Ugh.

hello insomnia said...

You don't have any fat pants? Until I lose weight, all my pants are fat pants.

slouching mom said...

Must have fat pants.

I like Old Navy yoga capris for these times.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Me and elastic waisted pants are like *this* every 28 days.

And that ad, pfft. Where is their bloated belly? And do they not realize how much frolicking hurts sore boobs? Hello!

meno said...

That one woman in the picture is not wearing the correct uniform. According to the ads, if one is anticipating one's period, one must wear white pants.

So make sure you get white fat pants.

Veronica said...

What is with that photo? Yeah, PMS really makes me feel like leaping around. NOT!

Why didn't they show a picture of a woman trying to rip her husbands head off? Much more realistic that way.

Hetha said...

Slouching mom is right on, in fact I practically live in my Old Navy yoga capris. They rock, go get ya some!

Heather said...

Women with PMS don't wear white pants or jump for joy. What WERE they thinking?

painted maypole said...

but you plan to run and leap and smile along the beach on your way to buy them, don't you?

flutter said...

Yoga.Pants.

all of my pants are fat pants so it's awfully hard to differentiate whilst rummaging in my closet

b*babbler said...

If that's what PMS looks like, then I gotta get me a serious case of that. Seriously.

Shannon said...

Leaping causes leakage. That woman is pushing the envelope!

I've worn yoga pants all week. They're so comfy and cozy at this time of month.

Oh, and I mustn't forget my granny panties. I have a stack of those that I have designated for this time as well.

Marmite Breath said...

How about some of K's pants?

Every day that I scarf down more points than I'm supposed to, I say to myself, "Jessica would not approve of this" and then I do it anyway.

Also, today, I saw two cars with the license plates beginning with OTJ. I didn't have my camera, but you can bet I'll catch the next one.

Kyla said...

Yeah, my friends and I ALWAYS frolick on the beach during our periods...doesn't everyone?

Oh, and I'm wearing my track pants today. 'Nuf said. LOL.

Tabba said...

yes. there are just certain articles of clothing that I absolutely cannot wear when the lovely Aunt Flow is around.

agreed. we women must have fat pants.

imhelendt said...

LMAO. I big, puffy pink heart you. ;)

Jozet said...

Sharpei...lol.

I have one of those now, too.

Fat pants. Uhm...I'm still using an old pair of maternity pants as fat pants. Don't tell anyone.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Where is the woman crying into her bowl of ice cream in that photo? That'd be more realistic than those dingbats leaping through the air in skin-tight white pants.

BTW, my daughter swears that a girl in High School Musical is named Sharpei. I'm too lazy to fact-check her, but, man, do I hope she is wrong.

Lisa Milton said...

What no leaping in skinny jeans? Say it isn't so.

I have me a pair of sweats I like to call the 'very wrong sweats' for they are big and puffy and unflattering - perfect for being at home when I'm puffy.

Julie Wright said...

yeah . . . fat pants . . . I'm with hello insomnia--all my pants are fat pants. Last autumn, I was packing away my summer gear and bringing out the winter stuff. I tried on a pair of pants and they didn't fit. I commented, "Man these must have shrunk!"

My husband over at his computer looked up with a smirk.

After the third pair not fitting, my husband busted up laughing and said, "Hon, these didn't all shrink . . . you've got a "bigger" problem going on here."

I threw the pants at him and bought me five new pairs of jeans that cost too much just to prove to him that he should stick to "yes dear" comments.

deb said...

Elastic waist and spandex, my doctor recommended it.

piper of love said...

you are a hoot!

that's another southern term too, huh?

Alpha DogMa said...

All my pants are fat pants. Yes, going three months between visits to the gym seems unwise.

PunditMom said...

From what I saw at BlogHer, there is no need for fat pants in the House of Joy. And isn't it still summer there?

Patience said...

Fat pants?!? All my pants are fat pants!! And I despise all of those women jumping around in their skinny designer white pants that nobody in their right mind would ever wear during the fat pant time of the month!

Ah! . . . but I don't worry too much about that now! All that's gone!! Now I only need my fat pants . . . EVERY DAY! The only thing that keeps me sane now is Prempro!! HRT is my friend!! (And my husband's friend too!)

urban-urchin said...

My fat pants are dresses. I can't deal with anything presses on my belly when I'm PMSing.

liv said...

Oh, u-u and I are polar opposites here. I must have Bridget Jones big panties on to hug my middle and something high waisted in elastic to make me feel swaddled. Oh, we shall now witness the miracle of wearing yoga pants each day of our lives!

Lawyer Mama said...

Ah yes, the serious Southern Insult, "Well, bless your heart." My grandmother was a big fan of that phrase. It's like a secret code for "fuck you" that the Yankees haven't cracked yet.

And yes, that first sentence is a true masterpiece. Your clarification about control was so much less compelling.

DD said...

That's a picture of women running FROM someone wearing fat pants with PMS.

Silly woman.

cate said...

all i have is fat pants! i wear comfy-loungy pants everyday...since i have no life outside of my house! i lived in nothing but maternity clothes for a couple of years since i got pregnant when my oldest was 5 months old. and since i still haven't gone back to work, i still haven't changed my wardrobe much.

upside: i'm always prepared for the fat-pants days

downside: i always look like a big shapeless blob...sexy, no?

Mimi said...

I have fat skirts. In fact. I've been wearing them all week. Good times!

Mrs. Davis said...

No fat pants in the attic? (That sounds like a horror novel.) I've been thinking it feels like fall, too, but I'm trying to postpone the big seasonal wardrobe switch.

And Fairly Odd Mother, your daughter is right. Sharpei is HUGE (and I don't mean in fat pants way) in HSM.

tulipmom said...

I've been living in the same 4 pairs of fat pants for the past several weeks.

Yes, I'm pregnant, but at this point I don't look it; I just look FAT all the time.

jeanie said...

I don't know - I prefer horseriding on the beach for my fat pant days (remember those ads?)

Matthew said...

I need fat pants too!

Unfortunately I can't blame it on PMS.

Secret Agent Mama said...

That is so funny, especially the part about "bless your heart".

I have to go buy fat pants soon but only because last year, at this time, I was pregnant. I however opt for fat skirts as pants look hideous on my fat body. ;)

Ann M. said...

Heh! I just dragged two friends to the store to buy some fat jeans. I had to get the cutest and comfiest ones I could find, all the while screaming in the store, "If I have to get fat pants, @#!%it, at least they're gonna be NICE fat pants!" much to the horror of my friends. And then they both bought a pair of the very same pants. So there.

Padme said...

Well, bless their hearts, they must be joyously jogging to the store to stock up on tampons and Midol.

Soon one will be wearing white pants. Another, a white bikini. And the third...a white leotard. And there will be much horseback riding, frolicking in the ocean, and gymnastics on the beach.

Meanwhile...I will be lounging in my comfy chair, wearing my granny panties under my elastic waist jeans...eating copious amounts of Phish Food straight from the carton.

beta mom said...

Are you sure it isn't an ad for anitdepressants?

Although (and I know I'm dating myself here) if that little Cathy Rigby could do gymnastics while hawking Kotex (was it kotex? Ladies - anyone remember?) then I'm sure these ladies are at their liberty frolick accross the beach.

I hope they get run over by a ATV. Oops...must be time for my fat pants, too.

zellmer said...

Drawstring honey. Embrace it.
I am jealous of your hint of cool weather. Down here in Austin, it's still highs in the 90s.

Love, love, love your headline for this one.

SusieJ said...

I love that day, when it's finally over, and you feel like you've dropped 20 pounds. I live for that day.

Jenny Ryan said...

I really wonder who writes those kind of articles and ads. Last night I saw an ad whose message was that, due to the awesomeness of their product, now we can "have a happy period."

Right.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I refuse to buy fat pants. Granted, my cargo pants are roomier than my skinny jeans...I am working hard (as I eat a chocolate bar) at losing a few so I dont have to buy fat pants for Fall. Says me, with 10 more Dove Bars in the freezer...

WorksForMom said...

I have a solution friend. Haul out the maternity pants. They make fat pants look like leotards. Boo-yah!

For the Love... said...

I guess the only benifit of living in a place where the weather is warm almost 8 months out of the year is that we don't pack up summer/winter clothes....Last Christmas I was actually sweating when I put up the Christmas tree.

Shawn said...

A woman is only as good as her fat pants ... hope you get to the store quick! Funny headline.

mimikatemom said...

Oh boy. Solo kid duty for three days accompanied by the impending visit from Aunt Flo? Ain't easy girlfriend.

You'll get by. Just unbutton your pants, wear a tank top and no bra and go sit on your front porch for some air. Oh, wait. That's what we do in Missouri. Bless our hillbilly hearts.

*smiles* Your stories are a good as ever. Thanks for the giggles!

Anonymous said...

cannot feel bad for you...everything I own is for fatties...ya know how you kind of sneak up a size...then another,,,soon it will be me and Omah the tent maker...until he runs out of material...who cares right now...one of the joys...right

mauniejames3

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

That ad is SO DAMN WRONG.

PMS is a dark, gloomy, bitchy place for moi.

Go get you a nice yoga set at Tarjay or Old Navy. That's fancy talk for sweats. ;)

MnRooMom said...

NYDJ Tummy Tuck Jeans are the best fat pants EVER! Because they're stretchy, a little high on the tummy to hold in the sharpei without discomfort, and make you actually look skinny! It's like wearing pants blessed by fairy dust. I ebayed for mine. Pick the next size up for the most bloat room.

mamatulip said...

Good god. I read the first sentence of this post and was like, "Oh my GOD, her ass has a fever?! They're really, really sick over there in the House of Joy! I've never heard of an ASS getting a FEVER!"

Yeah. I need to go back to bed.

Blog Antagonist said...

Yoga pants and one of Husban's ginormous coach's jerseys. Heaven. Of course, then I can only go to Wal-Mart. But they sell everything in the known world, so it's all good.

Natsthename said...

LOL. YOu lost weight and did not keep any fat pants! MISTAKE!

I don't know what to use as an excuse , now that I'm on the other side of the pause. Maybe I can just use the pause as the excuse!!

Circus Kelli said...

I think those women are merely part of a shooting gallery... they look so happy and THIN and NOT bloated. Maybe we should shoot them.

Pass the chocolate.

LeRoy Dissing said...

No wonder 75% of clothing stores stock only women's wear. The answer is so elusive to men but obvious here :)

notfearingchange said...

wear a dress...its like fat pants...otherwise...take yourself out to buy some track pants...it looks like you're going to the gym...but really you're only going home to eat some chocolate on the couch followed by wine followed by...oh wait that's me.

Jo Beaufoix said...

If there was ever a prize for opening lines, that one should win. hee hee.
And fat pants are vital to the female of the species.
Otherwise it could get messy.

DatingTales said...

I agree. Drawstrings are the key.

Mrs. Mustard said...

Good Lord. That's like those "Have a happy period" people. Right...happy is not quite the word I was looking for.

motherbumper said...

Well that first sentence will get you some titillating keyword search results.

I cannot live without fat pants.

momomax said...

you have an attic?

I'll trade you all my fat pants for your attic.
I'm so jealous. when I get anal fever, I'm limited to the space under the bed. I've got to MOVE!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I'm the unusually happy woman on the left.
At least in corporate America I am.
Long live elastic waist!

Jenn said...

Sitting here in my fat pants, drinking a beer, eating a brownie, wondering why my skinny pants shrank while in storage.

EE said...

Who in their right mind wears white pants before getting ready to start????

Catherine said...

I giggled reading the post. But the comments horrified me. For the last (nearly) five years I've either been pregnant or had an IUD. Recently I was considering have it removed because of the hormones. But now? Hell no. No way am I signing up for pants fatter than what I need on a *normal* basis.

Thanks for saving me ladies.

Candace Salima (LDS Nora Roberts) said...

Hysterical. Found your blog in a circuitous way, from the cre8buzz community. I feel your lack and am so glad those days are gone for me.

Mommy Bits said...

Love it. This time of year is sooo hard. As soon as you switch out your wardrobe the weather inevitably changes.

Amy York said...

Oh you poor thing with no fat pants... Not a sweat pant or yoga pant or anything until you get to go shopping? But hell, just go shopping ~ do you really need an excuse? :)

I have a Sharpei too that will not go away after 3 pregnancies... I used to use it to tuck in napkins at restaurants. Ugh.

Paige said...

When I started reading this, I thought you had contracted some dreaded affliction like Ebola Zaire...

Alas, no.

It's a good thing,
P

Mandy said...

Give me a break....ain't none of those women pmsing!!! And, I don't bother with spring/winter wardrobes, it can be hi 60s/low 70s (cold to me)here one day and 80 something the next, in the winter time, so why bother?

~JJ! said...

I'll lend you a pair of mine..I only wear fat pants!

Damnit.

Serina Hope said...

Haha We cleaned out our closets here in Mississippi too. That is kinda nuts isn't it? I hope you find fat pants quickly, or you could get a mumu...

moosh in indy. said...

You can borrow mine, I changed seasons in my closet WEEKS ago.

Birdsword said...

fat pants? It's the fat pajamas I love! (they go great with my only two/true boyfriends when I have PMS-Ben and Jerry!)

Velma said...

I'm having a month of fat pants! I've been ill and in pain and I deserve to wear my fat pants, dammit!

Kellan Rhodes said...

Great title and very funny article. I enjoyed it - thanks.

KC said...

Woman, you think you know bloat? Try preggers bloat. It's DEADLY.

allrileyedup said...

I got an IUD some time ago, and now, Aunt Flo never visits me. I don't miss her. I highly recommend it.

And that picture had me in stitches.

Anna said...

Fat pants? Never came across that until I read your post. *l* And to note that PMS ad? It's so untrue. You rarely see someone with PMS leaping around with a smile on her face. Let alone wearing a pair of white pants. She could be disturbed or she's asking for anything BUT what that ad depicts. *lol*

Jenny said...

There is nothing so wonderful as pair of fat pants straight from the dryer.

Circus Kelli said...

I still say we should shoot them.

Two Knives said...

Do you think women who read each other's blogs get on the same schedule?

Liza said...

I am pretty much all about the fat pants. That and (for work) either elastic-waistband skirts or waistband-free dresses. But I'm still just not about the jog.

Thanks for visiting me! You've been added to my de.licio.us tags!

Lisa said...

This is cracking me up because I saw you at BlogHer, you skinny thang. Your "fat pants" must be a size 4.

whymommy said...

I miss the South.

But last week, right on schedule, I cleaned out my closet and sent a bunch to Goodwill.

Because that's what we do, the week after Labor Day.

(I kept my fat pants. Hope you find some good ones soon!)

Flawed & Disorderly said...

That's a picture of insanity. If it makes you feel any better, I just bought fat pants and big t-shirts to wear to cover my fat pants. It has absolutely nothing to do with a monthly visit. I just need them.