Wednesday, September 19, 2007

My Fantasy Viper

My mom dated Johnny Italiano* before she met my dad.

Johnny recently contacted her through classmates.com and it turns out he lives in Georgia.


When he found out that my mom would be here last weekend (taking care of my children so I could get my National Park Ranger jollies) he suggested they get together so he could show off his figure so he could see how she held up so they could catch up.

He came over Saturday morning and found The Mayor and The Rooster playing on the front porch while my mom drank coffee.

That night I heard all about it from The Mayor.

"Mom, Mr. John has a really cool car and it goes 200 miles an hour!"

"How exciting, Mayor!"

"It's blue with a yellow stripe and it's called a Viper. We should get one. Can we get one? Please???"

If I ever buy a new car I'm afraid the best I'll be able to do is this:





I am old.

I have lost any and all connectivity to coolness.

I embrace my inner minivan.





*Not his real name.

61 comments:

Bananas said...

that's one sweet ride, lady.

slouching mom said...

You should do it up just like that.

Promise me you will.

delmer said...

Too often I'll see a minivan and think, "I should really upgrade to that model."

I really need to hit my mid-life crisis stride so I can get something cool.

Jenifer said...

Hey I drive a minivan and you know what I don't care...I have thought of painting flames on the sides though.

So what did Mom think of him???

PunditMom said...

And when you buy those cool wheels, I want to see the pic of your driving it! Better yet, drive it on up north for a visit!

WILLIAM said...

A Viagra Viper? IS this John Trying to compensate for something?

Dana said...

I couldn't be cool enough for a mini-van. I had to settle for the SUV.

BOSSY said...

Yea, minivan schminivan... what else happened between Mater Joy and Johnny I?

Jen M. said...

You could get those big wheels so your minivan is more like a monster van. Your kids could have their own painted ladders to climb in.

Shannon said...

I've come to love my minivan. It's got some pick-up-and-go.

I leave other vehicles choking on my dust.

NotAMeanGirl said...

LOL. At least we'll know you when we see you on the road girl!

You've been awarded some Bloggy Bling on my site. Please come and get it :)

Kevin Charnas said...

"I have lost any and all connectivity to coolness."

On the contrary, dagghling.

SouthernBell said...

Dang, it's not his real name?!? I thought you'd found my long lost father! ;)

CamiKaos said...

SWEET

You should get a minivan and then PIMP THAT RIDE.

hello insomnia said...

Get some wicked rims and you'll be stylin' in no time.

NotSoSage said...

Another Photoshop masterpiece. Loving it.

And my word verification is fnblag. That's gotta mean something.

painted maypole said...

gee, and I thought for sure Johnny Italiano was his real name!

carrie said...

And if you ever do get a minivan, or an SUV that resembles one -- make sure to tell your kids that one of the many buttons are a special "EJECT" button for kids who break mama's rules in the car!

I bet your mom had a good time!

My name is Rima. said...

Please, please, please go to Maaco right now and have that done to you car. Or at least a flame across the sides, as jenifer mentioned.

There would be nothing cooler. NOTHING.

Above Average Joe said...

Ask him how many cupholders his little viper has. Or how many kids he can take to soccer practice. That'll fix him.

SotuhernBell said...

Wow -- that's hot.

imhelendt said...

There comes a point, sometime after the kids reach elementary school, that you go, THIS MINIVAN SUCKS! And then you have a little midlife crisis. And then buy a truck (honda ridgeline). Oh wait, that's just me..... ;D

*~*Cece*~* said...

I refuse to go out in a minivan.

Blog Antagonist said...

I heart my minivan, and I'm secure enough to admit it. I mean, I am seriously in love with my van. It's roomy, yet low profile. It's sexier than the station wagons of my youth.

When we go on a road trip, I scoff when I see SUV's with cartop carries filled to the brim with stuff.

Cartop carrier? We don need no stinking cartop carrier.

mamatulip said...

I am embracing too.

Hetha said...

Why wait till you have a minivan to put on a painted stripe? What I'd love to see is a minivan with hydraulics!

mauniejames3 said...

any guy over 50 with a viper has no encumbrances...so what happened with them? Who cares about the damn car?

allrileyedup said...

Small scale model cars are an amazing, amazing toy...

flutter said...

ok ok ok ok, WAIT. You mean his name isn't Johnny Italiano?

The whole story is meaningless now.

Momish said...

I am right there with you, hon. Cool is overrated in my opinion.

Nancy said...

...and what else did The Mayer have to say? ....and Rooster?

:::hee hee hee :::

Worker Mommy said...

embrace it, sista. I sure have.

Mary Alice said...

Hey wench, why are you sneaking into my yard and taking pictures of my minivan? Thou shall not covet thy neighbors minivan - even if it does have cool space age automatic doors. I heart my minivan. A lot.

Biddy said...

nnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo not the minivan! anything but the minivan!!! how about a park ranger jeep??

Mrs. Chicky said...

Yo, mama, you need some sweet rims on dat hooptie.

Thalia's Child said...

*Not his real name.

*snort* You totally made my morning.

Patience said...

Johnny Italiano is not his real name?!? My bubble has been burst.

ali said...

minivan moms are hot.
super hot!

Lawyer Mama said...

The name Johnny Itialano goes nicely with a Viper.

But your ride? That is one cool car. hehe

nutmeg said...

My husband wants to paint Bat Mobile wings on ours. He's not yet embracing!

kittenpie said...

You gotta love when people just fall right into the stereotypes, don't you? Crisis, anyone?

Mama's Moon said...

I drive, no, no, no, what I meant to say is "I rock a minivan" and am the cooles mom on the block doing so. Are you kidding? All that while pumping out Pat Benatar's 'chicks rule' mantras?? Sheesh. How much cooler can anybody get???
Hehehe.

Queen Karana said...

I want a mini van.

urban-urchin said...

just do it in neon w/flames shooting out the vipers mouth- you can rock it.

GoteeMan said...

ugh! da minivan...
yep, had to embrace it myself (due to disability of the mommie unit)...

J/

Flawed & Disorderly said...

I used to be embarrassed that I drove a minivan. Now I'm just used to it which makes me feel like a new breed of loser. I've completely given up.

Anonymous said...

And when you get your way cool MV, make sure you take it these guys for proper, uh, conditioning.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HEFE3B0Rje0

For the record, I don't like Zima, but this is hysterical.

I miss my minivan. We live on a dirt road and it is at least 1 mile to pavement, so the low riding albeit spacious minivans just aren't practical. - Reesie

Omaha Mama said...

The is a sweet MV. Lose the snakes.

Is it bad that I have mini-van envy of those who have the push-button doors? Is it too much for me to have to open my children's doors? How lazy have I become?

Sigh.

Funny story anyways.

liv said...

Well, I recently got rid of (read: wrecked) my Odyssey, and my son misses it desperately. I am happy without it. I still harbor dreams of having 5 kids and a boss FBI black Suburban to mow people down with. It's my evil mom alter ego car.

Jenn said...

Embrace away.

Don't forget the doors that can swing up to open.

Coolness to the nth degree.

Lineberry said...

Just got an odyssey with all the bells and whistles. It's pretty sweet. I fought it for a long time.

I'm going to get another tattoo to balance things out.

http://lineberrys.blogspot.com/2007/09/so-did-we-or-didnt-we.html

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

Johnny Italiano! Are you done grilling the Mayor and the Rooster for more details so you can share?

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

Don't ever call my CAR a mini-van. You may however, refer to it as the T&C. I roll in the T&C.

Aliki2006 said...

I refuse to be embarrassed about my minivan--I still feel cool, it just takes more work to achieve that sense about myself.

angela said...

Don't they have a show called "Pimp My Minivan"????
I'll submit your name.

Serina Hope said...

Hehe. You know you are cool when you can Viper up a mini van.

Wendy said...

See, your mom got it right. You date the Viper guy, and marry someone else...a minivan guy??

Circus Kelli said...

Yeah... that's why I photoshopped flames and neon onto a picture of my (still externally flameless) minivan when I first got it... at least it's a "red" minivan...

WorksForMom said...

i can only assume there is a fin on the back of that mini-van and we just can't see it based on the photo angle.

i can also hear the bass thumping and rattling the entire van-tastic!

cate said...

that is one bitchin' viper van!

Shannon said...

That's it! You have created the perfect minivan.

Put me on the waiting list, please.

And I agree with your readers who say PIMP THAT RIDE.