Thursday, September 13, 2007

Shorts

The son, age three....

"I want to do it."

"No Mayor, not right now."

"But, I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW!"

"I'm sorry, Mayor. You can't do right now."

"But if you let me do it right now I won't grumpus about it."


**********************************
The daughter, age two....

"Rooster, What are you going to do in school today?"

"Play with Candler and Benjamin! They're my SWEET boys."


**********************************

The husband, age thirty nine...

K and I got up out of bed to check our online library account to see when the [god forsaken, miserable] Thomas The Tank Engine Complete Collection book was due back to the library.

[Anal? Obsessive? You betcha!]

"No, don't click that, K!"

"Go back to bed. I am perfectly capable of completing this task without your supervision."

When he came back to bed, K said,

"See that? I went online all by myself."

"But you made inefficient use of your mouse and wrist thus wasting time and energy."


**********************************

The marriage, age six...

K and I were in the bathroom brushing our teeth before bed.

He came up behind me and fondled my rear.

"Uh... I JUST farted, friend."






52 comments:

Scarlett Wanna Be said...

Oh the shorts...those are the things that make life great. I especially like The Mayor saying he won't "grumpus". Nice tactic, he wanted you to see the benefits. Here is one for you:

Me: I am telling you something important! Are you listening to me?

Big Daddy: Yes!

Me: Then why do you keep winking your eyes?!

Big Daddy: I AM LISTENING! I AM ALSO TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF MY RIGHT EYE SEES RED BETTER THAN MY LEFT!!!!

Craze said...

Won't be grumpus? That's priceless! So is the just farted remark!

Jen M. said...

See - this is why you are so damn funny. You are open and real. I have been married for nearly FIFTEEN years and I still maintain that I have no bowels, or any excretory organs of any kind. As for gas? I don't know what you're talking about.

See? THAT'S anal.

And grumpus kills me with cuteness. I love it.

Jodi said...

That beautiful little girl has MINIONS already! Awesome!!!

jen said...

love the shorts. although you are duly terrifying me of three.

three. magic number?

Lawyer Mama said...

I love the use of the word "grumpus."

Kyla said...

Yeah, that's what it is like.

Grumpus. Very cute.

leendaluu said...

He wasn't wasting time and energy...he was exercising! There is a program that will track the calories burned while surfing online! I'm losing weight every time I read a blog (I guess it would go faster if I wasn't snacking on M & M's at the same time....) Check this out...
http://leendaluuwitsend.blogspot.com/2007/07/10000-steps-day-is-soooo-yesterday.html

katy said...

My niece, at age 3 to my mother."Grandma you are getting on my nervous."

Kymerean said...

LOL, sounds like home. Grumpus is wonderful.

Ally said...

And now we we all commence with using the word Grumpus.

Tabba said...

Can I come live with you for a month?!?!

PunditMom said...

How do you stand the romance?

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

LMAO...

Thomas The Tank Engine Complete Collection... I don't know how our house functions without that golden treasure box!

carrie said...

I am so with ya there!

painted maypole said...

every day is a new adventure, no?

Rusti said...

I love it!! Oh - I always enjoy your blog J... it makes me laugh & smile for hours and hours... thanks!!

Audubon Ron said...

There are just some subjects husbands and wives should not engage in, one of them is flatulence, until, up and to THE POINT, when I’m laying on the couch with my dear love and we are watching a movie on the plasma, lights dim, she laying her head on a pillow on my lap, I with my hand in her hair, stroking it and petting her and “OH HOE, Honey, DID YOU JUST FART?” She looks up to see if there is a cat on the couch to blame it on. Then she looks at me and says, “You weren’t supposed to smell that.” LIKE IT’S MY FAULT FOR BREATHING? Dang woman!

My ex was not one for discussing IT at all. She thought it gutter language. A very proper lady she was except when it came to smoking around her. Countless times she’d get asked by someone in some setting, mind you she is like Julia Child, Lattia Baldridge and Queen Elizabeth rolled into one and someone would ask, “Mind if I smoke?” Her response, “Not at all, mind if I fart?”

NotSoSage said...

That does it. I'm moving in.

BOSSY said...

Like a fine wine you grow better every day. Wait - is that how the expression goes?

Jenifer said...

I get the line from my three year old:

"If you let me do this, I'll do whatever you want."

Ummm. Right. That will be happening anyway...

nell said...

Ha! I love those little snippets!

SouthernBell said...

"Baby a little gassy, eat some bread."

motherbumper said...

You are my romance role model. Next chance, you should give him a dutch oven.

And of course the kids are damn cute.

Hot Librarian said...

Her "sweet boys"!!!! LOVE.

My name is Rima. said...

Very cute. And I'm betting the Rooster is going to have many more SWEET boys in her future!

Mimi said...

around here we say:

RUN! RUN! I POOFED! RUN.

and, generally, addressee does run, and asks when it's safe to come back.

pinks & Blues Girls said...

I sense there is never a dull moment in casa OTJ.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

furiousBall said...

Farting, like beef jerky is best when shared.

Queeny said...

I guess I'm a "grumpus gus" -- that's grumpy and gloomy combined.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I once goosed HockeyMan RIGHT as he was pushing out a beaute. Not cool.

Annette Lyon said...

I could have used a few tips from you daughter in high school . . .

janine said...

Farting was sport in my family, but somehow I can't bring myself to do it in front of hubby (okay, not saying it hasn't happened) but) - hmmm - maybe it was the years of embarrassment at the farts that flew around my boyfriends at family gatherings.

Hol&J said...

Around here we warn about farts too. Most of the time. :)

I don't win at playing "covered wagon" though.

Cathy said...

I love to grumpus. In fact, some would say I live to grumpus.

(The husband and I still pretend we don't fart or defecate. Which is why I enjoy walking by the bathroom and calling out, "I can hear you!")

~JJ! said...

True love = walking into someone's fart and nuzzling their ear anyway.

FENICLE said...

"Grumpus" is a great word!!!!

I'm going to start using it :)

Serina Hope said...

I love that they are her sweet boys. She already knows how things work.

flutter said...

Dude, her sweet boys...she is going to KILL when she gets older.

K is a fart fondler...well who knew?

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

ROTFL. Not sure which is the funniest... Can't stop re-reading.

kellypea said...

What time do you post so I can be first in your comments? =) And yes, the farting thing can be a problem. A bit worse than burping before being kissed...

KC said...

Nice fondle-timing, K!!!

momomax said...

nice. you've got some funny family

mothergoosemouse said...

Come to think of it, my husband doesn't fondle my ass much anymore. I don't know if it's the ass or the gas that's dissuading him. Probably both.

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

The gas wouldn't scare Bryan away. That's what 11 years of marriage does.

And we use the phrase "did you eat grumblemuffins today?" - which is hilarious to hear a youngin' say.

wordgirl said...

Ah...you say the most romantic things!

Mrs. Mustard said...

The farting episode could have been between my DH and I! Married almost 5 years.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

After the 3rd anniversary, ALL foreplay begins in the bathroom.

Matthew said...

That last one? Us men don't care.

Damselfly said...

Is the Rooster channeling Mae West? ;)

radical mama said...

The last short is my favorite. You are the queen of fart posts, my friend. (Is there an award for that?)

canape said...

Oh crap. Are you supposed to wait until the 6th year of marriage for that to happen?

Oops.