Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Turning

I sometimes wish my weekend days would stretch out in front of me completely unfettered.

I dream of leisurely drinking coffee and reading the newspaper until I decide what to do next, but those days are long gone.

Now there are sippy cups to be filled and refilled, snacks to be made, rejected and re-made, laundry to be done and the many other incessant tasks of family life to tend.

I felt the burn of it last weekend. I wanted a taste of the freedom of my twenties and felt a sort of melancholy longing for my old life.

I was in the kitchen starting dinner, feeling whistful and listening to K in the next room asking The Mayor and The Rooster to "PLEASE LISTEN!!"

[Futile endeavor, that.]

A song I like started playing on the kitchen CD player.

Spontaneously, I spread my arms out and spun around and around.

When I felt dizzy I stopped myself in the center of the kitchen floor, closed my eyes and felt my body sway in drunken circles.

I did it again and again and relished the wild, out of control sensation it created.

I felt free for a few moments and that was something.

It was, surprisingly, enough.




74 comments:

Ruth Dynamite said...

Dizzy is my preferred state of being, and strangely enough, I don't always need to twirl.

You keep on spinning, girlfriend. Spin for your freedom.

Nancy said...

Isn't it nice to step out of the moment, for a split second, only to realize where you are today has a better spin? =)

acumamakiki said...

i think this is why i have to assert my independence so frequently by getting ME time - it's the day-to-day that makes it such a grind sometime. I love being a mama and I have a blessed life but sometimes, I think 'come on, is this it?'
i think i need to start spinning.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

As I sit here at 7:44am with a little, whining boy who got up too early, I can relate. This weekend, I had some 'alone time' and pulled out my old PJ Harvey CD's and skipped around the house, trying to channel those years gone past.

I wish I could still spin. Unfortunately, "the taller they are, the harder they fall" seems to be the rule now.

Jenifer said...

Isn't it amazing how a song can transport us somewhere else! I so get this post...after being on vacation together for 8 days 24/7 I am yearning for a moment of freedom of my own.

Marmite Breath said...

At least it only takes a minute of spinning for you to gain a little perspective. It usually takes a bottle of wine for me to feel that dizziness and perspective.

~JJ! said...

I'd be w whirling dervish in order to get that sensation....

Good for you.

Moi said...

Knowing me, I would have crashed into something and harmed my body in a very painful way.

Congratulations on your brief escape!

QT said...

I want one of those days too!!! The day where I could wake up and grab the book I fell asleep reading and read some more, maybe eat breakfast, maybe not. Get up in the late afternoon and meet some friends for a bite and a beer.

I guess we should be glad we know what that feels like, right?

pgoodness said...

I know how you feel..exactly. My spinning moments come in my car, no kids, loud music, singing with abandon; wind (or a/c - I'm not 20 you know!) in my hair...a little slice of freedom. And then back to my babies. There are times when I could just scream having to fill one more sippy!

hello insomnia said...

Oh now I know what I'll be doing on my lunch break.

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

Oh, I know that feeling! To escape with out going anywhere -- to fly with out leaving the ground...

Circus Kelli said...

That worked, huh? I'll have to try that next time I feel that way.

jen said...

oh sister. i know. i so know.

My name is Rima. said...

Glad that spinning did the trick! Having a soundtrack to one's life does wonders, too. I often forget to listen to my tunes these days and whenever I remember, it always "takes me back" and gives me a little lift.

pinks & Blues Girls said...

Dizzy, lost in music, too much wine... they all work. Just take your pick! Escapism is underrated.

Jane, P&B Girls

WILLIAM said...

Instead of spinning I just drink Vodka.

Lawyer Mama said...

OH yes, I know. I have to admit that I've indulged in spinning before too, although usually with my kids. I understand why kids like to do it so much.

Shannon said...

I used to spin all the time when I was a kid. Sometimes for no other purpose than the sensation of dizziness, and sometimes to turn into Wonderwoman.

But when I did it with my kids recently, I got motion sickness :( It's not so fun anymore.

I'm glad you found freedom and release in your spin.

ALM said...

Oh yeah. I so know that feeling... remembering how it was. No responsibilities... sleeping late... going for brunches... But you know? It probably really wasn't as good as we remember it. (At least that's what I keep telling myself!)
Hang in there, baby - another Friday's coming! (They always do...)

Mrs. Chicken said...

I have to try this. Because I've been longing for those days lately, wishing I could go back and talk to that silly girl.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I know exactly where you're coming from. Dizziness and all.

the end of motherhood said...

There something about spinning that sends you straight to childhood. Hold on to that freedom...

Mamma said...

Oh the tinge of sadness I just felt reading this. Glad you found your space.

Lisa Milton said...

It will be easier when your kids get a little older - once you navigate their burgeoning schedules. I promise.

Until then, spin on mama. Be well.

andi said...

Thanks for this. I'll have to try it next time I feel trapped and wishing for that feeling again. That feeling of having control over your time or (gasp!) just being alone in the quiet. That'll probably be in the next five minutes.

slouching mom said...

Ahh. You and Jack would get along. He spins for the sake of spinning (and the feeling of dizziness that ensues) at least three times a day.

Hetha said...

I feel this way more often than I'd like to admit. I can't spin (I have vertigo) but have found that a hula hoop provides the same affect!

wordgirl said...

It think it's common to delete meaningless movement from our lives once we have kids. Everything we do, every word we say has to have a purpose...a destination, because THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO DO ALL THAT WE NEED TO DO IN ONE DAY!! I think you've hit upon something, OTJ! Every day should include some spontaneous action or word or endeavor that brings nothing but joy. Twirling sounds like a good place to start, my friend. Lead the way.

SouthernBell said...

When you finally do get that "Me" time do you ever sit nervously and wonder, "What do I do now?" Huh, must just be me.

Kyla said...

I think that is why kids spend so much of their days hopping and twirling. There is freedom in it.

zellmer said...

Why did that bring tears to my eyes? Is it because I'm helplessly hormonal, or because I so understand that feeling of missing the carefree days?

*~*Cece*~* said...

In order to enjoy my daily freedom I get up an hour earlier than the rest of my family, even on the weekend. I get to sit and drink coffee, eat a pastry and be online, uninerrupted, for about 45 minutes. Once I hear the patter of feet down the hall I smile, log out and welcome back my family life. Its great to have the best of both worlds.

carrie said...

Makes me want to go outside and jump on the swing set and close my eyes!

Aaaaaaaah . . .

ps. I don't know how I'd survive without my kitchen cd player.

meno said...

When i was a new mother, as opposed to the OLD mother i am now, the thing i missed the most was being able to do the Sunday Crossword.
But being dizzy would have been an adequate substitute, just for a minute.

Above Average Joe said...

All that without the hangover.

Mad Hatter said...

Now, I would've fallen over and puked if I did that but the written image is lovely.

petite mom blog said...

Oh I know how you feel. I totally get it. :)

Diane said...

Just how I feel on the weekends! Where do they go? Why am I spending them picking smashed peas out of the burber? I think I need to go out for a spin...

Jen M. said...

I had a similar moment in my car. A great song came on the radio and I turned it up and tuned the kids out. For a minute I felt young again. Until their clamoring for me to turn my horrible music down got to be enough.

I'm glad you took your moment.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

I can relate. Sometimes I need just a quick break from the weekend grind to realize just how lucky I am to not be single and 20-something again.

Super B's Mom said...

Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and play Tetris on my cellphone.....

I should try spinning.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I'm totally trying this. It's a brilliant idea, one that I wish I'd thought of myself.

Mamalicious said...

Lordy, I so know what you mean. A nap, just a Saturday afternoon nap! I'll have to remember that spinning trick though.

KC said...

Ah, the beauty of vertigo. Joles gets a kick out of doing this too. But, oh, how I long for a weekend with absolutely nothing to do, no schedules, no early morning wakings. Even if I had one sans kid, I'd still wake up early, itching to get things done.

Sue said...

Most days I'm far too busy worrying to carpe the damn diem. I guess I'll get better at it, though. You seem to have.

nell said...

I'm glad the spinning did the trick - that feeling can be hard to shake sometimes. I love when it's that easy - just a song or a daydream, a break from the routine, and you're revived somehow...

Lisa said...

Ah sometimes a sweet, sweet moment is just. enough.

mamatulip said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

PunditMom said...

Excellent advice!

Annie said...

I'm dizzy just reading it! I do this often- but usually in my living room with a babe in arms - the squeals of delight from them can keep me smiling for the rest of the day. I probably should try it on my own for those (frequent) 'I need 5 minutes to myself' moments.

mcewen said...

Self therapizing without the use of artificial stimulants! Well done you.
Best wishes

BOSSY said...

You had Bossy at "unfettered." Who could concentrate on the rest?

Lisa said...

I love the image of this.

actually, I DO have my weekends free and unfettered. The current arrangement with soon-to-be-ex is that he takes Calder all weekend, and while empty days were what I dreamed of a year or so ago, now they loom and the dizziness is not the fun kind. I wish I could get back that feeling.

flutter said...

"enough" What a glorious concept, no? Ti be sated for a moment in time, to not need or want more, but for something, some thing, to be enough? What a wonderful gift.

kellypea said...

You go girl! WOOT! And did you have a twirly skirt on? It's better like that. Well, at least I used to think so. When I was 6. *sigh*

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Well....I feel that way on a regular basis...it's as if someone is perpetually spinning me...

Wonder what it would take for me to feel free? HMMMMMMM!

Mrs. Mustard said...

I think I probably would turn into a puke sprinkler if I did that.
My freedom is driving ALONE and singing full volume.

ellinghouse said...

hmmmmm.....I should give that a try. I'll try anything at this point!

Omaha Mama said...

I usually follow such nostalgia for freedom with guilt. Mommy guilt.

But just once, to roll out of bed when I wanted - instead of what happens now. The kid from his crib, "mom. mom? Mommy? MOMMEEEE?!!!!" Yes, we are bound by duty.

I may go spin myself dizzy right now.

MiniMarie said...

Wow. I will have to try that.

painted maypole said...

Dancing in the kitchen. Fantastic. I need to do that more!

Serina Hope said...

Spinning is cheaper than alchohol. I'll have to give it a shot :)

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

That is how I feel on the drive home, when I can sing my heart out.

Gingers Mom said...

OH thank God there is someone else out there that feels trapped sometimes. I feel guilty for feeling that way. Who knew I just needed to take a spin in the kitchen. Thanks for sharing.

Emily said...

Mmmm. Delicious stolen moments of decadent nonchalance. I relish those. I covet those. I... the dryer just buzzed. damn.

Bubblewench said...

Oddly this post brought tears to my eyes. We all need to stop and take a spin every now and then. Thanks for the reminder. I could really use a spin right now.. I think I'll go out in the hall....

amusing said...

Twirling.
Does it every time.
(Next try outdoor twirling. With a fall down at the end.)

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

I'm going to do that very thing in the my backyard crop circle tonight.

I think it's brilliant. Embrace the chaos of life, right?

Thanks J for the idea!

Mel said...

I heart you. This is exactly how I feel so often, exactly. And the spinning? I still do that, too. :)

Jenna said...

I had a very similar experience recently in my own kitchen while I fed my baby sitting who was sitting in his high chair. 5 other kids swarmed in the background, anxious for their dinner, and I just wanted a sliver of freedom...and then...a song! I just started to dance for the baby's enjoyment. He giggled and started kicking his chubby feet, and I danced more and more, for me. It was momentary, but felt so good!

Monica said...

Excellent. Thank you. I think this will stay with me awhile.

Lotta said...

It's amazing how much music will take you away when you feel the need to run away.

Nancy said...

Ah, so beautifully written, Jess.