Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Twenty Two Years

Somehow, when I was a freshman in college in 1985, I landed a job as a cocktail waitress in a bar that featured live bands seven nights a week.

I have no idea why I was given this job.

I had no cocktail waitress experience and I was such a dork.

When I was newly on the job twenty four empty Budweiser bottles slipped off of my tray and onto the lap of a very pregnant woman.

[Oh, the HORROR!]


Later I "accidentally" accepted too many customer tips in the form of drinks and ended the night by loudly (and gutturally) singing Gregory Abbott ... "Guuuuurrrrllll I want to Shake You Down"... while being spun around on a bar stool until I fell off and appeared to be stone dead for a full minute.

With the entire bar staff peering over me I suddenly sprang up, lifted the bar-top gate, walked through and released it so that the gate fell and smashed the entire inventory of the bar's glassware.

Miraculously, I was not fired for these things.

My first night on the job I was trained by a fellow waitress named Laura.

At the end of the night she explained that I needed to collect and wash the ashtrays.

She found me later standing over the sink and asked how it was going.


"I found two joints in one of the ashtrays," I said. "What should I do with them?"

Laura looked at me as if I were a total moron.

She rolled her eyes, cocked a hip at me and said,

"You should SMOKE them."

Pulling her hip back in she reconsidered,

"Or, you know, you could turn them over to your supervisor."

I'm pretty sure I "lost one somewhere" and gave the other one to my supervisor (whose name, ahem, was Laura. )

[This is the point where I would usually deny any and all illicit activity for my Granny's sake, but since she is gone I will now deny any and all illicit activity directly to our current (and former) president(s) by swearing that "I NEVER INHALED."]

Laura and I became fast friends and remained close through all of my college years.

She was witness and party to much of my coming of age experimentation.

There was much hell raising... and that's all I'm going to admit.

Twenty some odd years later Laura and I find ourselves still connected.

She came to visit us last weekend with her son who is 10 months older than The Mayor.

Trying to keep up with his older guest, the Mayor sat perched at the top of a playground meant for much bigger kids.


From his teetering perch The Mayor noticed a group of high school students walking by.

"Hey!" he yelled at them.

"Hey!" they yelled back waiving.

Clearly hoping to keep their attention, The Mayor screamed,


"I'M SO HIGH!!!"

Laura and I exchanged glances and turned into Beevis and Butthead.

[Heh heh. Heh heh.]

The high school kids took The Mayor at his word and weren't even chuckling.

Dude, what is wrong with the youth today?


61 comments:

Heidi Hyde said...

Ah college. Those were the days.

(excuse me while I take a little trip back in time)

Ok! Well then. I'm a little hungry! In fact, I'm a lot hungry. heh heh.

Cute post--isn't it nice to have old friends that can share your past?
-HH

slouching mom said...

Heh heh. Heh heh.

furiousBall said...

Kids don't even appreciate a good weed joke anymore. Sad.

Great story, always good to hang on to buddies as long as you can. I keep the majority of mine duct taped in my crawlspace.

we_be_toys said...

I love the stuff kids say, that we twisted grown-ups turn into Beavis and Butthead upon hearing. I'm still heh-hehing.(Dammit Beavis!)

Zaya said...

They were probably thinking "So are we" ;)

CamiKaos said...

dude. dude.

DUDE.

I can't stop laughing.

Above Average Joe said...

Heh heh, dude, you said "cocked".

Serina Hope said...

lol
They were too high to get the humor in it.

AnotherMomCreation said...

Maybe they were high on Crystal Meth and just couldn't get the joke since they burned all their useful brain cells....

You must have had a GREAT visit with "Laura"

Family Adventure said...

How appropriate!

Heidi

Kyla said...

Heh heh, huh huh, indeed.

Taste Like Crazy said...

Damn kids today. What's wrong with 'em?

DD said...

Where are the doritos?! and the Big Gulps?!

I had a "friend" who would pretend she (or it might have been a guy) to be a super hero from her chair and rolled right out of it.

Totally aaawwwwesome, dude!

I still eyeball the ditch-weed in our back yard with a bit of nostalgia.

mothergoosemouse said...

That bar didn't need live entertainment. They had you.

QT said...

Oh yes -those were the days....

painted maypole said...

i love the stories of you in that bar. maybe you were just to entertaining to fire. :)

Hetha said...

Ah, the Mayor just gave me a great idea! (ahem, sort of, so to speak)

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Sheesh, kids these days.

I have no idea what a joint is, by the way. *ahem*

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Dude.

heh heh.

Bunghole.

Honeybell said...

"I found two joints, what should I do with them" . . . . too funny.

Anonymous said...

Laura the Supervisor here. Let the record show that every word is true true true.

Nobody, but nobody flies off a spinning barstool like my Jess. As I recall, you were pretty good at the Bar-Luge as well ...

The fact that we are not only still alive but have spawned offspring is a gross affront to Darwinism.

xoGzo

mamatulip said...

LOL.

Yeah, you lost it somewhere. Quote, unquote.

Moi said...

*snort*

I believe the children are our future (insert swaying here) ... but hopefully not those kids cuz they don't get the joke.

Victoria said...

*giggling*

Taste Like Crazy said...

You were my inspiration:
Click here.

Nancy said...

And I had pegged you for being a wholesome one *wink*

Julie Pippert said...

What? Generation Y isn't potty brained?

Color me stunned.

I frequently heh heh heh at the kids.

Must be all the John Hughes in my formative years. ;)

Julie
Using My Words

Bon said...

dude, we shoulda met years ago.

these kids today...tragically straight. ;) heh heh.

Hol&J said...

Ah, we all have wild streaks don't we?

"Heh heh. Heh heh." "TP for my..."

Jennifer said...

Heh. HA! Laughing. Out. Loud. (For real.) What is wrong with the youth of today? Don't tell me that "Just Say No" finally took? *shaking my head*

witchypoo said...

Happy day to have surfed into your bloggerhood. If your entries are pretty much like this, I am so feeling at home.
*bookmarking site*

Cathy said...

Kids today — no sense of humor.

(Or they were simply too sedated by that last round of painkillers.)

As for your bar antics —

I needed that laugh today.

Worker Mommy said...

Bwahhahaha!

Good think the Mayor didn't ask what you were laughing about.

Beck said...

I have fuzzy but pleasant memories of university before I dropped out because of my extremely low grades.
Fuzzy. But pleasant.

Lawyer Mama said...

Dude. As soon as I read that line I started giggling.

Lisa Milton said...

Ah, pot...it's par for the course. I used to receive buds as tips. (Of course, I gave them to my supervisor - who is now my husband.)

Oh, the wasted youth.

Mrs. Chicky said...

I fear for today's youth. They have no idea how to have a good time.

Matt Bell said...

Gonzo rules!!!!! I wish I could have been there last weekend.
Virtual Mabels reunion.
The Tea-Bag

carrie said...

Oh, what a treasure an old friend like that is! I'm glad you have one!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I so love this kind of humor....maybe that is why I enjoy your blog so much!


"I need some teepee for my bunghole!"

BOSSY said...

Lord have mercy. You rock the house.

motherbumper said...

Yes and none of them seem to know how to roll either - it is such a waste of youth.

Nerevised said...

What was a very pregnant woman's lap doing under your tray of empty beer bottles in a college bar anyway?
I'm new to your joyful blog, and I am happy to have found it. I'll be back!

Jenny said...

The apple doesn't fall far from the dork.

PS. This post makes me love you even more than before if that's possible.

Deb said...

Heh. Heh. You said "high".

Okay, you're a pretty hot mom. How hot were you when you were waitressing age for them not to have fired you over all of that? LOL!!

susiej said...

What a "blast" from the past.

Scarlett Wanna Be said...

Isn't it great to have people who know your deep dark dirties (by deep dark dirties, I mean secrets not butt holes)? Oh friends...oh youth...oh the nights of doing the splits and singing God Bless America in a gas station...wait that's me,not you, yours is much much better!

FENICLE said...

I need to be high!!!!!!!!!!

pgoodness said...

Great story.

And to queen of mayhem - HILARIOUS. My fav quote of all time.

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Hahaha!

Reminds me of the time we ate brownies before a flight and I couldn't stop laughing and telling John during the flight, "Honey... honey... we're so HIGH!... Up in the AIR! teeheeheeeHEEEEHEEEE."

Ahem.

dawn224 said...

Ohh we are all so bad :)

I mean, we would have been bad, had we inhaled...

Lisa said...

How did those kids not laugh? That's funny AND cute!

Maybe they were doing that Jenkem stuff (have you heard about that stuff? EEWWWW!) and were already coming down?

Redneck Mommy said...

I'd pay MONEY...BIG money to see you stoned.

I'd pay even more money to get stoned with ya. Back in the day, of course.

I'm much to respectable and CLASSY to ever behave like that now.

Heh heh heh.

MizMell said...

Old friends are the best. They have been around forever and evolved with you...

~JJ! said...

Awesome!
My BFF and I share history for 26 years...

We would have giggled too.

Jenifer said...

I swear I have no good stories!

Jo Beaufoix said...

hee hee. I would have giggled too.

Avery Gray said...

My son says that too. "Mom, I'm so high right now."

I say, "Yeah, but coming down's a bitch."

JCK said...

Really, really loved this story. I know I'm much older than you, judging by the sheen of your hair and sparkle in your more awake than me eyes, but...I refer to those golden, cocktailing, bar stomping years as the Wild 80's.

Zaya might be right with the "so are we."

b*babbler said...

Heh

Heh heh heh.

Becky said...

heh heh funny stuff! as for the teens not getting the joke they were too high themselves to get the joke! I bet about 5 mins later they figured out what he said and then laughed about it!
I also have a friend from back in the day! We get together as well and have the same kind of moments with my kids...he has none yet...just got married.