My friend Libby told me I should try meditating.
She recommended The Harvard Relaxation Response."It's not a spiritual practice," she said. "Just a relaxation method."
[Oh, what? Does everyone know I'm a heathen?]
I decided to give it a try.
First, while K managed the children in the tub, I followed [exactly none of] the directions and fell face first onto my bed .
I cleared my mind.
[Ha ha haha... and there is this great bridge in the Bay Area that I’d like to sell you.]
I tried listening to my mind say the word “one” each time I exhaled.
The first thing I heard was..."Listen to the force, Luke!"
Which was followed by what sounded like teeny, tiny tub farts.[*burble*burble*burble*burble*]
I started to giggle.
[I couldn't find "giggle" in any part of the directions.]
The burbler burbled on.“The mind wanders by nature,” my friend told me. “The important thing is to return your focus to the single word, one.”
I attempted to banish the sound of tiny tub farts from my thoughts.
[As if.]
[*burble*snort*burble*chuckle*]
“One,” my mind hummed.
Then I heard the world’s loudest toddler yell,
“I HAVE A BIG, STAND-UP PENIS!!”
My contemplative mind imagined a giant penis wielding a microphone and telling jokes between variety show acts of the highest quality.
Oh, the serenity!
Are you feeling my HUGE, stand up peacefulness?
I’m so relaxed now.
Just call me Guru Babba Joy Joy from now on.
[Snort.]
77 comments:
I can see how that was relaxing. I failed our at work relaxation class, at least I am pretty sure I did...I was the only one making mental grocery lists during the BIG relaxation practice at the end. Or else everyone else was lying.
Hmmm, I've never been able to clear my mind for meditation either, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be attempting meditation in the presence of toddlers. Unless, of course, the point is to escape from the constant pitter patter of little people in the house. In which case, maybe you're on to something...I think I'll go try it right now.
Well, meditation takes PRACTICE. Give it another shot...preferable out of hearing range of the Big Standup Penis.
LMAO! Oh man, to be a fly on the wall in your house! lol! Thanks for the laugh. :D
Maybe you could try again after the kids go to bed?
Angie
www.AllAdither.com
tub farts are extremely zen
It's hard to clear your mind when a stand up Penis has come to town.
I'm more of a moving meditation kind of girl; quiet while doing some menial task, like dishes.
(Yes, I am Zen master Milton, yo.)
Oh, the joys of raising boys that I will never experience.
Although my youngest did tell me about her little, teeny, tiny penis once. See, she said, here it is!
Oh, the explanations.
Oh great Guru Babba Joy Joy, please continue to lead us down the path of enlightenment, and what it means to hear the burbler burbled on.
They always have to announce that, don't they? Oh, the boys.
Hehehehe! That reminds me of when my son was little (he is 10 now) and he would be in the tub trying to "hammer" his penis back in. Like a nail.
So, was that K or the Mayor?
Tai Chi
(coming from the one that doesn't understand the word relax)
Sounds like an 'ohm' moment to me.
oh i can't stand it. that is so funny!!! I have heard those exact words out of my boys mouth. it seems they become fascinated with their penises from day one...
snorfle. it might be time to go the pharmaceutical route.
Send wipes to clean up my monitor. Stat.
Oh Guru Bubba JoyJoy, may I come and learn at your feet? I'll bring wine!
"Hello, Is this thing on? (tap tap tap)"
"Take my Foreskin...Please"
"Of course I am crazy I hang around these two nuts all day."
"...and THAT'S when I said...I got the shaft."
"Thank you. I am here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress, speaking of tips...nahh I am just kidding... Try the Kielbassa it's delish."
I've found that baby tub farts of the giggle inducing kind are a great relaxation method, too. We haven't gotten to the point where we get such GREAT one liners yet, though. I'm looking forward to that.
You share the greatest stories. Oh, the joys!
Thanks, now I have half chewed apple on my screen.
Falling face first upon my bed is usually followed by snoring.
I'm thinking I need to have my husband come home soon.
That or I've got to get my mind out of the gutter.
I have visions of dancing penises flashing through my mind.
Thanks Jess.
HA! That would be me trying to meditate. It's just not for me. I tried yoga classes but the teacher will be instructing us to relax and I'm thinking "let's speed this up - my ass is not getting any smaller."
Well, I was going to attend my first pilates class tomorrow morning - it took me quite a while to get over the last one, two years ago - and now, I'm thinking, baby tubby farts sounds a whole lot more relaxing.
Now, if only I had a baby in the house and a bathtub I could actually, you know, lie down and fit in.
Stupid Amazonian genes!
Sounds like through laughter you achieved the goal of relaxation anyway. :) Oh the things boys say..
Giant penis with an untied bow tie tapping the microphone, "Is this thing on? " What an image.
Note to self: don't attempt meditation when children are awake.
I only try meditation when I can't sleep - is that bad?
Oh, Joy. I'm laughing so hard at the big stand-up penis comment, I can't come up with a comment of my own.
I love your kids and your stories.
Right -- yoiu are MRS Chill. I'm impressed.
isn't this what eddie murphy once referred to as the poor man's jacuzzi? love it.
LOL
I would have completely lost it and started laughing out loud at the proclamation, and given up.
My mind is never "cleared", but sometimes I can focus on slowing my breathing... and then I fall asleep.
That was insanely funny. Thanks!
Relaxing? NO. Familiar? Hell yes!
Mediation for mommies of small children is the biggest joke on earth.
Almost a stand-upish sort of joke. Only everyone is laughing at us for even thinking it's possible to get quiet with two kiddos in the house.
Ah, the delights of toddlerhood. They make me remember and smile. I totally needed this laugh this morning before I unloaded on the customer service center I called...Maybe you could market farting bubbles on one of those hand held devices and we could flip the on switch and listen during the day when we know we're going bonkers. :)
I HAVE A BIG STAND UP PENIS.
Shut UP. Shut! Up!
I am already cringing in anticipation of the day my oldest son blurts this out - aaaaah!
You made me giggle out loud with that one.
OMG - I heard the same thing yelled out while I was trying to centre myself the other day - it's just not as cute when coming from a grown man on the street.
Oh the pride of those penis possessors.
Sounds like you've got some "power pooters" in your house too.
Oh ye, the great yogi ramalamadingdong
This reminds me of trying to find peace while counting backwards and listening to my toddler "cry it out" in the next room while being Ferberized...except your distraction was much funnier. Ah the sweet innocence of that tiny erection! Oh, by the way, I've been told by My Better Half to never, ever call a penis tiny, even if it belongs to a very small little boy.
The few times I've tried to meditate, I totally got the to-do list rolling in my head. The other time, I fell asleep.
Maybe they were trying to make you feel like you were in a whirlpool tub. I don't know where the penis part fits though. Wait, that came out wrong.
I like the mom who, when her son interrupted her meditation, yelled, "Don't bother me now! I'm meditating so I can be a better mommy!!!"
Don't you know you can't attempt to do anything when your children are in the house? 'Specially not any of that relaxing stuff other folks are always going on about.
Ha! I tried meditating once before and had about as much success. I know you're supposed to keep practicing and all that but, yeah it's a little funny trying to clear your mind.
(grins)
This is why I don't meditate.
I have one of those, too--the Tub Farter, that is, not the big, stand-up penis. Uh, well actually.... Never mind.
Rumor has it there is a local secret society called GRITS (Girls Raised in Trailer Squalor) that suggests as an aid to meditation one part Calgon and three parts Boones. That's what I've heard anyway.
HILARIOUS.....absolutely. i love it!
I like Kevin's suggestion. It's always worked for me.
i've never even tried meditation, I know it wouldn't work for me. nor would it be as funny as your attempt. it would be more like "I should be cleaning. I could be reading. or blogging. or exercising. or calling a friend. or...."
penis and fart jokes ALWAYS relax me.
No, no, no, you have to put the kids to bed before you start anything like that! Silly you!
But then you might have something else distracting you . . .
I think that you, this blog, and your toddler could make a friggin' fortune making caption t-shirts.
Hee.
The relaxation gimmick I use to fall asleep is to recite to myself "five things I hear, five things I see (if my eyes are closed, then five things I'm thinking about), and five things I feel (physically and/or emotionally)" . . . and each round you decrease the number by one . . . the trick is to lose count of where you are . . . I usually don't make it to the "four things" round.
Thanks for the relaxing laugh!
I'm going to have to give this mediation thing a try.
LOL! First time commenting here but this one still has me laughing. Who wants mediation when you have all this ambient stimulus going on?
Aaaahhhh....So relaxing! NOT, but funny as heck!
The best I can do at relaxing any more is sleeping! If my mind is clear and my eyes are closed, you'll hear me snoring! LOL!
I actually couldn't stop laughing at this post. Too funny. Please video with sound effects next time.
Well. Your son might have the next penis guest hosting the Tonight Show - but MY son announced that his is as big as the Empire State Building!
Maybe they could co-host?
Loved your post!
Part of my yoga practice is to meditate and every time I start I think of chocolate. I think I should be called yogi choco.
Oh. My. Goodness! That is the funiest thing I have read in a long time!
I don't know which is funnier, the bubble farts or the big stand up penis! Life is good if you have both!
Who needs relaxation when you have infantile humor to keep you warm at night! NOT I!!!!!!!!! :)
Hahahahahahahaha. Luckily I have learned to not read your posts with a mouth full of my computer gets sprayed.
I've always sucked at being zen -- and now I feel better knowing that I have good company --- my failed meditation stories and dropouts from TWO zen retreats are not nearly as funny, however.
Oh my. That is just all sorts of nastay funny.
I am dying laughing!
I could have reached a state of nirvana if I hadn't been laughing so hard.
I've found the only reliable way to clear my head of thoughts is to sit bolt upright in a chair; place my hands palms facing downwards on a table; take a very deep breath, hld for 5 seconds and relax; and then smack my forehead into the table until I lose consciousness. LEt me know if this works for you.
Yeah, probably best to try the meditation thing when the little dears are asleep. I don't think I could concentrate under the circumstances either.
Best comment..really? Wow. Very cool.
Tub farts! LOL.
I don't know what you're talking about, woman. ;)
LOL - you always keep me laughing... thanks J :)
Your post really remind me of the time when my son was young. Hahahaha.
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