Friday, January 11, 2008

Meditations On Burbling


My friend Libby told me I should try meditating.


She recommended The Harvard Relaxation Response.

"It's not a spiritual practice," she said. "Just a relaxation method."

[Oh, what? Does everyone know I'm a heathen?]


I decided to give it a try.

First,
while K managed the children in the tub, I followed [exactly none of] the directions and fell face first onto my bed .

I cleared my mind.

[Ha ha haha... and there is this great bridge in the Bay Area that I’d like to sell you.]

I tried listening to my mind say the word “one” each time I exhaled.

The first thing I heard was...

"Listen to the force, Luke!"

Which was followed by what sounded like teeny, tiny tub farts.

[*burble*burble*burble*burble*]

I started to giggle.

[I couldn't find "giggle" in any part of the directions.]

The burbler burbled on.


“The mind wanders by nature,” my friend told me. “The important thing is to return your focus to the single word, one.”

I attempted to banish the sound of tiny tub farts from my thoughts.

[As if.]


[*burble*snort*burble*chuckle*]

“One,” my mind hummed.


Then I heard the world’s loudest toddler yell,


“I HAVE A BIG, STAND-UP PENIS!!”

My contemplative mind imagined a giant penis wielding a microphone and telling jokes between variety show acts of the highest quality.


[*burble*giggle*burble*stand*up*penis*burble*giggle*]


Oh, the serenity!

Are you feeling my HUGE, stand up peacefulness?

I’m so relaxed now.

Just call me Guru Babba Joy Joy from now on.




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Photobucket

Best comment of the day goes to... William.
[Snort.]


77 comments:

Jenifer said...

I can see how that was relaxing. I failed our at work relaxation class, at least I am pretty sure I did...I was the only one making mental grocery lists during the BIG relaxation practice at the end. Or else everyone else was lying.

Life As I Know It said...

Hmmm, I've never been able to clear my mind for meditation either, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be attempting meditation in the presence of toddlers. Unless, of course, the point is to escape from the constant pitter patter of little people in the house. In which case, maybe you're on to something...I think I'll go try it right now.

Mary Alice said...

Well, meditation takes PRACTICE. Give it another shot...preferable out of hearing range of the Big Standup Penis.

Dawn said...

LMAO! Oh man, to be a fly on the wall in your house! lol! Thanks for the laugh. :D

All Adither said...

Maybe you could try again after the kids go to bed?

Angie
www.AllAdither.com

furiousBall said...

tub farts are extremely zen

Lisa Milton said...

It's hard to clear your mind when a stand up Penis has come to town.

I'm more of a moving meditation kind of girl; quiet while doing some menial task, like dishes.

(Yes, I am Zen master Milton, yo.)

Lisa @ Corporate Babysitter said...

Oh, the joys of raising boys that I will never experience.

Although my youngest did tell me about her little, teeny, tiny penis once. See, she said, here it is!

Oh, the explanations.

JoeInVegas said...

Oh great Guru Babba Joy Joy, please continue to lead us down the path of enlightenment, and what it means to hear the burbler burbled on.

Kyla said...

They always have to announce that, don't they? Oh, the boys.

Tracey said...

Hehehehe! That reminds me of when my son was little (he is 10 now) and he would be in the tub trying to "hammer" his penis back in. Like a nail.

Catizhere said...

So, was that K or the Mayor?

Nancy said...

Tai Chi

(coming from the one that doesn't understand the word relax)

~JJ! said...

Sounds like an 'ohm' moment to me.

Jodi said...

oh i can't stand it. that is so funny!!! I have heard those exact words out of my boys mouth. it seems they become fascinated with their penises from day one...

sweetney said...

snorfle. it might be time to go the pharmaceutical route.

Ree said...

Send wipes to clean up my monitor. Stat.

yummysushipajamas said...

Oh Guru Bubba JoyJoy, may I come and learn at your feet? I'll bring wine!

WILLIAM said...

"Hello, Is this thing on? (tap tap tap)"

"Take my Foreskin...Please"

"Of course I am crazy I hang around these two nuts all day."

"...and THAT'S when I said...I got the shaft."

"Thank you. I am here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress, speaking of tips...nahh I am just kidding... Try the Kielbassa it's delish."

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

I've found that baby tub farts of the giggle inducing kind are a great relaxation method, too. We haven't gotten to the point where we get such GREAT one liners yet, though. I'm looking forward to that.

You share the greatest stories. Oh, the joys!

Above Average Joe said...

Thanks, now I have half chewed apple on my screen.

Falling face first upon my bed is usually followed by snoring.

Redneck Mommy said...

I'm thinking I need to have my husband come home soon.

That or I've got to get my mind out of the gutter.

I have visions of dancing penises flashing through my mind.

Thanks Jess.

Don Mills Diva said...

HA! That would be me trying to meditate. It's just not for me. I tried yoga classes but the teacher will be instructing us to relax and I'm thinking "let's speed this up - my ass is not getting any smaller."

Liz said...

Well, I was going to attend my first pilates class tomorrow morning - it took me quite a while to get over the last one, two years ago - and now, I'm thinking, baby tubby farts sounds a whole lot more relaxing.

Now, if only I had a baby in the house and a bathtub I could actually, you know, lie down and fit in.

Stupid Amazonian genes!

Sugarplum's Mom said...

Sounds like through laughter you achieved the goal of relaxation anyway. :) Oh the things boys say..

g-man said...

Giant penis with an untied bow tie tapping the microphone, "Is this thing on? " What an image.

jakelliesmom said...

Note to self: don't attempt meditation when children are awake.

I only try meditation when I can't sleep - is that bad?

mamatulip said...

Oh, Joy. I'm laughing so hard at the big stand-up penis comment, I can't come up with a comment of my own.

I love your kids and your stories.

SouthernBell said...

Right -- yoiu are MRS Chill. I'm impressed.

liv said...

isn't this what eddie murphy once referred to as the poor man's jacuzzi? love it.

Circus Kelli said...

LOL

I would have completely lost it and started laughing out loud at the proclamation, and given up.

My mind is never "cleared", but sometimes I can focus on slowing my breathing... and then I fall asleep.

JaniceNW said...

That was insanely funny. Thanks!

karrie said...

Relaxing? NO. Familiar? Hell yes!

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Mediation for mommies of small children is the biggest joke on earth.

Almost a stand-upish sort of joke. Only everyone is laughing at us for even thinking it's possible to get quiet with two kiddos in the house.

kellypea said...

Ah, the delights of toddlerhood. They make me remember and smile. I totally needed this laugh this morning before I unloaded on the customer service center I called...Maybe you could market farting bubbles on one of those hand held devices and we could flip the on switch and listen during the day when we know we're going bonkers. :)

Jen M. said...

I HAVE A BIG STAND UP PENIS.

Shut UP. Shut! Up!

I am already cringing in anticipation of the day my oldest son blurts this out - aaaaah!

You made me giggle out loud with that one.

motherbumper said...

OMG - I heard the same thing yelled out while I was trying to centre myself the other day - it's just not as cute when coming from a grown man on the street.

Lisa said...

Oh the pride of those penis possessors.

Sounds like you've got some "power pooters" in your house too.

flutter said...

Oh ye, the great yogi ramalamadingdong

cce said...

This reminds me of trying to find peace while counting backwards and listening to my toddler "cry it out" in the next room while being Ferberized...except your distraction was much funnier. Ah the sweet innocence of that tiny erection! Oh, by the way, I've been told by My Better Half to never, ever call a penis tiny, even if it belongs to a very small little boy.

Omaha Mama said...

The few times I've tried to meditate, I totally got the to-do list rolling in my head. The other time, I fell asleep.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Maybe they were trying to make you feel like you were in a whirlpool tub. I don't know where the penis part fits though. Wait, that came out wrong.

Steven Sashen said...

I like the mom who, when her son interrupted her meditation, yelled, "Don't bother me now! I'm meditating so I can be a better mommy!!!"

Lotta said...

Don't you know you can't attempt to do anything when your children are in the house? 'Specially not any of that relaxing stuff other folks are always going on about.

skiplovey said...

Ha! I tried meditating once before and had about as much success. I know you're supposed to keep practicing and all that but, yeah it's a little funny trying to clear your mind.

Janet said...

(grins)

This is why I don't meditate.

Denguy said...

I have one of those, too--the Tub Farter, that is, not the big, stand-up penis. Uh, well actually.... Never mind.

kevin said...

Rumor has it there is a local secret society called GRITS (Girls Raised in Trailer Squalor) that suggests as an aid to meditation one part Calgon and three parts Boones. That's what I've heard anyway.

♥♥♥ A- Licious ♥♥♥ said...

HILARIOUS.....absolutely. i love it!

Lawyer Mama said...

I like Kevin's suggestion. It's always worked for me.

painted maypole said...

i've never even tried meditation, I know it wouldn't work for me. nor would it be as funny as your attempt. it would be more like "I should be cleaning. I could be reading. or blogging. or exercising. or calling a friend. or...."

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

penis and fart jokes ALWAYS relax me.

carrie said...

No, no, no, you have to put the kids to bed before you start anything like that! Silly you!

But then you might have something else distracting you . . .

Loralee Choate said...

I think that you, this blog, and your toddler could make a friggin' fortune making caption t-shirts.

Hee.

The Super Bongo said...

The relaxation gimmick I use to fall asleep is to recite to myself "five things I hear, five things I see (if my eyes are closed, then five things I'm thinking about), and five things I feel (physically and/or emotionally)" . . . and each round you decrease the number by one . . . the trick is to lose count of where you are . . . I usually don't make it to the "four things" round.

Sarah O. said...

Thanks for the relaxing laugh!

BrentD said...

I'm going to have to give this mediation thing a try.

Ricardo said...

LOL! First time commenting here but this one still has me laughing. Who wants mediation when you have all this ambient stimulus going on?

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Aaaahhhh....So relaxing! NOT, but funny as heck!

Bastet said...

The best I can do at relaxing any more is sleeping! If my mind is clear and my eyes are closed, you'll hear me snoring! LOL!

PixelPi said...

I actually couldn't stop laughing at this post. Too funny. Please video with sound effects next time.

ALM said...

Well. Your son might have the next penis guest hosting the Tonight Show - but MY son announced that his is as big as the Empire State Building!

Maybe they could co-host?

Loved your post!

Arwen said...

Part of my yoga practice is to meditate and every time I start I think of chocolate. I think I should be called yogi choco.

Lisa said...

Oh. My. Goodness! That is the funiest thing I have read in a long time!

Patience said...

I don't know which is funnier, the bubble farts or the big stand up penis! Life is good if you have both!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Who needs relaxation when you have infantile humor to keep you warm at night! NOT I!!!!!!!!! :)

theotherbear said...

Hahahahahahahaha. Luckily I have learned to not read your posts with a mouth full of my computer gets sprayed.

Redsy said...

I've always sucked at being zen -- and now I feel better knowing that I have good company --- my failed meditation stories and dropouts from TWO zen retreats are not nearly as funny, however.

MamaGeek said...

Oh my. That is just all sorts of nastay funny.

Damselfly said...

I am dying laughing!

land shark said...

I could have reached a state of nirvana if I hadn't been laughing so hard.

Moobs said...

I've found the only reliable way to clear my head of thoughts is to sit bolt upright in a chair; place my hands palms facing downwards on a table; take a very deep breath, hld for 5 seconds and relax; and then smack my forehead into the table until I lose consciousness. LEt me know if this works for you.

Avery Gray said...

Yeah, probably best to try the meditation thing when the little dears are asleep. I don't think I could concentrate under the circumstances either.

WILLIAM said...

Best comment..really? Wow. Very cool.

Natsthename said...

Tub farts! LOL.

I don't know what you're talking about, woman. ;)

Rusti said...

LOL - you always keep me laughing... thanks J :)

Lasik Surgeon said...

Your post really remind me of the time when my son was young. Hahahaha.