My friend Libby told me I should try meditating.
She recommended The Harvard Relaxation Response.
"It's not a spiritual practice," she said. "Just a relaxation method."
[Oh, what? Does everyone know I'm a heathen?]
I decided to give it a try.
First, while K managed the children in the tub, I followed [exactly none of] the directions and fell face first onto my bed .
I cleared my mind.
[Ha ha haha... and there is this great bridge in the Bay Area that I’d like to sell you.]
I tried listening to my mind say the word “one” each time I exhaled.
The first thing I heard was...
Which was followed by what sounded like teeny, tiny tub farts.
I started to giggle.
[I couldn't find "giggle" in any part of the directions.]
The burbler burbled on.
“The mind wanders by nature,” my friend told me. “The important thing is to return your focus to the single word, one.”
I attempted to banish the sound of tiny tub farts from my thoughts.
“One,” my mind hummed.
Then I heard the world’s loudest toddler yell,
“I HAVE A BIG, STAND-UP PENIS!!”
My contemplative mind imagined a giant penis wielding a microphone and telling jokes between variety show acts of the highest quality.
Oh, the serenity!
Are you feeling my HUGE, stand up peacefulness?
I’m so relaxed now.
Just call me Guru Babba Joy Joy from now on.