Friday, February 01, 2008

Presenting The Darwin Award for Mothering

"Mom, do bears eat dinosaurs?"

"No, Mayor."

"Oh... then do dinosaurs eat bears?"

"No, see dinosaurs and bears didn’t live at the same time. Dinosaurs are extinct."

"What?"

"Do you know what extinct means?"

"Uh-uh."

[Help me tiny, baby Jeebus!]

"Uh… extinct means…uh… there aren’t any more dinosaurs on our planet. Extinct means... they all died. There are no more."

"Are there just two?"

"What? No. There aren't any."

"Oh. Why?"

"We’ll there was this ice age... and they froze... and they all died... and then when the ice melted different kinds of animals, like people, lived on our planet instead of dinosaurs.

"We moved into our house after the ice melted?"

"What? No. We didn't... well not right after. First we... uh... evolved from…well, from monkeys."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"What’s e... ev...evolved?"

[Save me eight pound, six ounce, tiny, baby Jeebus!]

"Uh, evolved means that over time one animal changes into another."

"What?"

"Let's see... Imagine that I had a baby with a feather on her head and then she had a baby with TWO feathers on her head and then her baby could FLY!!"


"What?"

"Forget that. Um...you know how we kind of look like monkeys?"

"What?"

[I think I hear tiny, baby Jeebus laughing. He definitely won't help me now.]

"Look, we didn’t move here right after the ice melted, first we had to evolved from monkeys."

The Mayor was quiet for a moment.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Mayor?"

"Did we evaporate from giraffes too?"

[Gah!!!!!!!!]





****************
The Original Perfect Post Awards – Jan 08
Updated to add...

I delinquenly forgot that today is February 1st, the day The Perfect Post Awards for January are announced.

Doh!

I nominated this great post from O Mighty Crisis. Powerful stuff. You really should read it.

See all the other Perfect Posts at Petroville and Suburban Turmoil.

And BTW -- You too can award a fellow blogger with the Perfect Post award. All you need to do is e-mail Mamma K at Petroville(at)gmail(dot)comand ask her to put you on the Perfect Post mailing list. She'll e-mail you every month when it's timeto send in your Perfect Post pick.


77 comments:

Family Adventure said...

Oh, I've so been there. :) I love these conversations...

Heidi

Robin said...

The first time I took my best friend's son to the pet store (I think he was three) he asked if there would be dinosaurs there. I said no, dinosaurs are too big for the pet store. End of discussion.

8-]

SciFi Dad said...

We were all good with the dinosaurs are extinct thing... until we saw "Dinosaurs Alive" (animatronic display) at the zoo.

Now she believes we'll encounter them at the woods near the cottage.

Shannon said...

All I could do through this post was:

LMFAO.

Katrina said...

That was one of my favorite parts of the movie.
I remember conversations like that very well. Drives ya nutso! It's like trying to explain to a man how to put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink 3 inches away. Maddening!

Sayre said...

"Did we evaporate from giraffes?"
**SNORT**
Me thinks the Mayor has a very interesting academic career ahead of him...

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

This is so hilarious I can't stand it woman!

Jennifer said...

Tiny baby Jeebus isn't the only one laughing! Very funny.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

Ha!! I've been there too! The more I try to explain, the bigger the hole I dig.

mamatulip said...

I haven't reached this territory with the kids yet. The burning question I get from Oliver is why I don't have a penis.

WILLIAM said...

Next week teach him the concept of Intelligent Design.

Maybe little baby Darwin will laugh at you.

Robin Marie said...

Ohhh my goodness this made my morning bright! Kids are so funny!

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Out of the mouths of babes. That was hysterical!

Ali said...

hahahaha. you SO walked right into that one! ;) love it.

yummysushipajamas said...

What a fantastic way to start my morning! Thanks for the giggles. Hug your fantastic kids for me.

Laura said...

Oh my....I am still laughing!!!!

Funny how we get caught in the circle of answers...they snow ball out of control!

Evaporate...love it.

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck said...

Excellent. This morning my daughter asked me why it was morning. For a split second I considered starting in on how the earth revolves around the sun and when the sun is on the other side of the planet...blah, blah, blah. But I hadn't had any caffeine and instead I just said "Because night ended." She was happpy enough with that.

Mahala said...

Isn't it cool when you can tell them stuff and they don't argue, just for the sake of arguing? I miss those days lol.

Circus Kelli said...

LOL Hahahahaaha!!

"Did we evaporate from giraffes?"

Um, not all of us, just the really tall people... ;)

Veronica Mitchell said...

So funny. You should read him Skippyjohn Jones and the Big Bones. My daughter loves it, though now she says extinct-o! instead.

Avitable said...

Don't they make a Children's Illustrated Theory of Evolution?

Velma said...

Those are the kind of conversations where I was always so tempted to pull a move like the dad in "Calvin and Hobbes" and just start lying for my own amusement...

JoeInVegas said...

evaporate from giraffs - well, it does sound about as plausible. You might have come back with something about 'only the basketball players'.
So, when is the talk about the birds and bees scheduled? Please film that one.

furiousBall said...

for what it's worth, it's commonly known in the scientific circles I revolve in that kodiak bears did eat dinosaur popsicles left behind from the ice age

so technically, you're waaaaaay off base. that is according to my drinking buddies... i mean scientist friends

Not Hannah said...

I'm not sure what's funnier: evaporating from giraffes or the flying baby with two feathers on its head. *Pause for hysterical laughter.*

Also, I know that since you're down with evolution, you won't be offended when I say that, actually, the monkey kinda looks like you.

Jennifer said...

Hilarious! I've tried to explain evolution, and I end up with things like the seven year old saying to the five year old, "You used to be a monkey!" It's almost worth becoming Born Again just to get to say, "God made you from clay. The end." ;)

Magpie said...

"Did we evaporate from giraffes too?"

I don't know, but you certainly helped my spirits this morning.

Maddy said...

You did a better job than I did dearie.
Cheers

CamiKaos said...

been there... though I skipped feathers on the head...

and mine asked about flinging poo.

your know.. cause we were once monkeys

Nancy said...

LOL, fun post.

It's easier to say "In the beginning, God created the heavens and Earth ...

I'd rather answer "Where do babies come from?"

Momish said...

I give you much credit. I am more inclined to do the simple, "Um yeah, sure baby" answer for these questions.

Crazy Computer Dad said...

Well at least you really tried to give him a version that is generally accepted.

I always try to give my son the facts mainly because of something that was said to me in first grade. One little boy in our class said that dinosaurs never existed. The rest of the class retorted saying the fossils prove it. He said "No. Satan put them there to trick us."

So be careful what you tell them as they will take your version with them and skew it in their own terms, and eventually it will come back to you in barely recognizable form! :-) The perils of parenting.

Honeybell said...

I am laughing so hard!! By the time you got to the monkeys I would have been all "You know, I think we should talk about something else now"!

PG said...

Laughing at monkeys and giraffes again being linked. Why are kids so fascinated with the relationship between the two?

Monkeys and Giraffes

Paige said...

This is probably one of the most hilarious and true posts you've written.

I say this, full well knowing that I had to explain to a certain small person what happens when you drop the mail in the slot at the post office.

Right now, someone thinks Connecticut is on the other side of the slot...

QT said...

All I can say is I fucking heart you...

Edge said...

This is why I believe in creation. It's much easier to explain to kids.

~Jef

Little Monkies said...

Reminds me of being at the Cincinnati zoo with the guy (cigarette in hand, big ole Kentucky voice boomin') saying "HEY! They look almost like HUMANS!" as he banged on the ape cage glass. The apes were regarding him with total disgust.

carrie said...

I am so cracking up right now!

Last night, Katie told Brett that before she was born, she "dissolved."

Great minds, I guess! :)

Jan said...

Absolutely precious.

slackermommy said...

These are the conversations with my kids that nearly put me over the edge.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I don't know about you guys but I know that I evaporated from a giraffe.

Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Ha!

PS. You and I both linked to Talladega Nights today. We are one.

Sugarplum's Mom said...

HAHAHAHA!

That's way more entertaining than the one I got yesterday. Sugarplum asked where Oma's ruff ruff is. (She had to put her dog down just before Christmas). I told her he didn't live there anymore, he lives in heaven now. I was hoping that naming it would make her blindly accept. Instead she asked Oma. Oma said he was really sick and now he lives in a place where he isn't sick anymore. She accepted it. Or just realized she wasn't going to get a straight answer from either one of us and gave up.

Natalie said...

Hahahaha!

My son recently began inquiring about the origins of babies. I wouldn't answer him as he saw fit and after several rounds of "well do they come out of your mouth/ears/nose/belly button/fingers?" I gave him the best straight answer I could think of:

No honey, you know where you go pee-pee? Well, they come out of there (we had already gone through the whole mommy didn't get cut up thing- apparently he's watched Baby Story a few times).

He mulled this over in his head for a bit and asked:

Well mommy, do they take the baby out of the toilet after its born?

Erin said...

I swear I remember hearing on It's A Big World (or whatever the heck the show with the sloth (you know, the one who sounds high) on PBS is called) and they said extinct means that there aren't many of the animal left. Yeah, like NONE! :)

I am not looking forward to those conversations. I know they are coming!

♥♥♥ A- Licious ♥♥♥ said...

okay THAT was HILARIOUS....priceless...you handled it WELL! ;o)

MamaGeek said...

Heh heh. I'd say you did rather well.

Not the Queen said...

Nice!

Ok, Where Was I? said...

I've seen your blog name on comments before, but this is the first time I linked here. I'm so glad I did. This is hilarious!

painted maypole said...

i'm kind of tall, so maybe there IS a giraffe in my lineage

nonlineargirl said...

"Did we evaporate from giraffes too?" is my new favorite sentence.

maggies mind said...

Oh my gosh, I haven't laughed that hard in the longest time. That was just hilarious!

TEOM said...

I know this is a day late and at least a dollar short, but you coulda saved yourself a heap of trouble there by telling him that nobody really knows WHY dinosaurs became extinct which has the added benefit of being true.

KC said...

Yikes, I hope I don't evaporate soon into/from anything! That's like a plot from a B scifi movie.

mikster said...

Kids and their never ending questions. I remember those days.

Stimey said...

Mmmmm hmmmmmm. I had a very similar conversation with my 6-year-old not long ago. It made we want to go against everything I believe in and say that God created people. Instead I chose to confuse the hell out of him.

Kelley said...

*snort*

Yeah, I have had that conversation.... 3 times.

Well four if you count my husband, but he doesn't want people to know about that.... oops.

Avery Gray said...

You're the best mom ever! I would have just said, "Yep, dinosaurs eat bears."

Above Average Joe said...

Evolution. Good thing you dont live in Kansas.

flutter said...

Dude, Jess, three words "Ask your father"

amyerj said...

dood, i've been lurking for months, blog-silent, but had to comment

i don't know how old i was went we went to the zoo and my parents explained to me that the monkeys were my "cousins", but i KNOW i was 10 when we went to a family reunion and i was devastated that no monkeys were there....

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Geesh, this makes the whole "Adam and Eve" story sound easy to explain.

I've actually had to get down the science books to explain this b/c I do such a bad job of it.

Lisa said...

OH how funny. If you ever figure out how to explain evolution to small children, you should write a book. That way the rest of us won't have to think about how to craft an explanation. That would easily be worth $20!

Sarah O. said...

This is the funniest post I've read, anywhere, in AGES.

Kristi said...

Them: Why doesn't dad got to church with us?

Me: Oh, uh...he...doesn't uh... believe...what the preacher preaches...

Them: BUT THE BIBLE IS TRUE! EVERYTHING IN THE BIBLE IS TRUE!

Me: Right. Uh...so...uh..ok...

JCK said...

I like evaporating from giraffes better than evolving from monkeys. So much better. More elegant neckline.Less hairy.

jakelliesmom said...

Ellie and I have similar type discussions regarding the time/space continuum. I will blog about it one day, assuming first that my head does not explode.

Aliki2006 said...

There has to be some book somewhere with stock responses for times like that--wouldn't that take the pressure off?!

booklady said...

That was really cute. I love that you try to answer all his questions honestly instead of just brushing him off or giving him easy, made-up answers. Someday he'll understand.

Heather said...

Questions like that are when I say, "Look, Spongebob is on."

By the way, if you feel like Spreadin' the Love, I spread some to you on my blog.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Very funny.

By the way, Jesus didn't die for the sins of no monkey!

Staci Schoff said...

Bwahaha! I generally put a stop to these conversations with the ol' "why don't you ask Daddy" routine!

Ree said...

Did we evaporate from Giraffes?

That is the best line of the day!

Leeanthro said...

Oh that was entertaining. My daughter wants to know how EVERYTHING is made. How do they make apples? Trees? Houses? Cars? And simple answers don't suffice.

moosh in indy. said...

That Jeebus baby was laughing so hard I could hear him.

Amy said...

This is HILARIOUS! On "do dinosaurs eat bears" the correct response is: "Yes, they would. Given the chance they would eat them and enjoy it very much."

But I'm glad you took the LONG LONG way around and gave Baby Jeebus a good laugh!