Thursday, October 16, 2008

Paging Dr. Colon to the White Courtesy Telephone

At my recent lady parts check up, the doctor inserted the instrument resembling a duck-billed platypus in the... South Pole and started pushing down on my abdomen.

"This may be a little cold."

[Oh. The. Joys.]

Every time the Doctor pushed on my right side I yelled,

"OW!"

[Because there was a sharp pain.]

SNAP! 

Just like that, I was scheduled for an ultra-sound.

[Not the friendly, top-of-the-belly kind either.]

I'm all for following up, and making sure, however...

Anyone who knows me could tell you that what MOST LIKELY caused the pain in my abdomen was my plentiful, yet hidden, cache of pure horsepower -- more abundant than the resources that lie beneath The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

My very own stash of subterranean... uh... energy reserves.

One really shouldn't push down on it, you know?

I think I am about to be diagnosed with a whopping case of eating far too many raw carrots.




28 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

I know you are probably right, my friend, and it is nothing. But as someone with a dear friend in his early 30s with stage four rectal cancer, all I can say is ... you go aggressive doctor! Always, always, always better to be sure.

Best of luck with the scan! Who knows, maybe you'll like it?

Jerri Ann said...

That is freakin hysterical! You can make anything funny. But, seriously, just make sure it is carrots and not..something....besides carrots

Fran said...

[Sitting on hands, not making obscene comments about Palin and drill, baby, dr....]

Seriously, let me know how you are.

verygoodyear said...

Just out of curiousity... was this a metal platypus or a plastic one? Last visit to my South Pole was plastic, and it was way, way less horrible than normal (if you can ever express that experience in degrees of horrible!)

Sayre said...

Thank goodness for doctors who check it out - even if it IS raw carrots!

Wendy said...

Sometimes, I just want a full body scan to know what everything is, every day.... Then I can relax. Maybe I can install one at home? This aging thing is not for the weak-willed!

John Ross said...

Is it true that duck billed platypuss' posess poisonous barbs on their ankles(or is it wrists)?

spookin' out the guy, here - eeew, girl-doctoring!

Really, get the tests....what W Amy said.

Vodka Mom said...

that was a GREAT picture! (and loved the post!) I had a complete hysterectomy two summers ago (adynomyosis) and that's a whole other blog in itself. One I'm too exhausted to begin. GOOD LUCK

motherbumper said...

It's one of those u/s with a sex toy, isn't it? How do I know... same reason baby same reason (and it was "nothing").

Patience said...

Ah the Internal Ultrasound! Not too bad, painwise. But, not too much fun, dignitywise.

furiousBall said...

i just yell OW constantly at all doctors. i'm attention starved as all get out

Patois said...

When I read "SNAP" I thought the instrument broke off...um...in there.

JoeinVegas said...

Geez, I am in the wrong profession. Guess it's too late for med school for me.

Emily N said...

I am SURE it is nothing, but please do let us know asap what it turns out to be.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

I can personally attest to those energy reserves! In fact I have some of my own. Oh, the Joys of perimenopause...

Leah said...

I am always worried when they are pushing that I will blast the trumpet so to speak so I understand where you are coming from.

WILLIAM said...

I don't believe this post. I think you made it up. I think you are full of shit.




Here all week.

Tami W. said...

I had an "internal ultra sound once". It was great fun but my favorite part was when the technician said, "Um, can you hold this right there while I go find a doctor?" Ok, sure...I held it...and boy was it fun meeting a doctor for the very first time in that position. I hope he didn't mind that I didn't shake his hand...or look him in the eye.

Lotta said...

I just had a colonostopy and nothing was wrong. Now what was the point of that!!

Hope it's just gas!

Vodka Mom said...

did someone up there just say you were full of shit? If that's all it is, then you're o.k. :-)

Magpie said...

Um, that other kind of u/s? That thing is known as the dildo cam.

Hope it's nothing.

Holly said...

I think the worst part is if you watch them put the big giant condom on the big giant ultrasound device. Don't watch that part. It'll freak you out!

carrie said...

I hope carrots is all it is.

Better to have a bad case of the carrots than anything else.

Twisted Cinderella said...

As funny as you put this, take care of yourself!

Mimi said...

Ha!

Kyla said...

I went to the ER once for blinding abdominal pain (which ended up being a ruptured ovarian cyst), and they did an internal ultrasound. When you are having insane amounts of abdominal pain, putting something else INTO your abdomen is never a good idea.

Debbie said...

I've had several of these internal ultrasounds in my life. Oh, lucky me. It is a relief when you get that clean bill of health. What amazed me the last time is that the tech can hold that thing with the right hand and type like crazy with the left hand. Now that is some skill.

Niki said...

I had the kind of ultrasound you speak of. I explain it to people as being akin to being poked with a long object and then cranked like a car jack. Or maybe my doctor was doing something wrong. My only advise: male doctors are much more gentle with the nether region than female doctors!!