Thursday, January 15, 2009

Bleary Eyes Find Stupidity

I'm really bad at waking up in the morning.

K gets up first and makes breakfast.

[Because he is AWESOME.]

He comes to the bedroom door and gently tells me when breakfast is ready.

I stumble out, bleary eyed and unable to see properly.

Frequently, I inhale my eggs, drink a glass of water, blink a lot and finally look up at him. As if he hadn't been sitting there the whole time, I say,

"Did you eat?"
[I'm lucky he finds this endearing. ]

My husband is also the one who ventures forth (these days out on the FROZEN TUNDRA) to collect the newspaper every morning.

Because I am physically unprepared to digest the REAL news, I usually start with the soft stuff in the living section.

I confess, the first thing I do is evaluate the responses of Ms. Manners and Dear Abby, assessing whether or not their advice is correct.

[As measured by the degree to which I agree with it.]

Inevitably, I glance at the horoscope.

I'm not a big believer in these things, but I generally read it since it's moving at my morning speed.

This morning's entry got me all irritated though.

"If something new grabs your attention, that special someone might not be so special."
What kind of HORSE MANURE is that.

That is exactly the type of thinking that messes people up.

Before the holidays, the five women in my mom's night out group got together to make holiday cookies.

One of the women talked about finding herself attracted to a man other than her husband.

She described feeling irritated by it. She loves her husband. She has no intention of acting on the attraction, but there it was.

Another woman in our group works as a therapist. She mentioned that it is totally normal to feel attracted to other people after you are married EVEN when the marriage is healthy and you are happy.

"You simply have to wait an attraction out," she said.
Wait it out. Do nothing. It will pass.

That stupid horoscope is going to have people throwing away perfectly good spouses all over my town.


[Shakes head. Drinks more coffee.]


Mary G said...

Mine said that my computer was likely to crash. I can relate to the zombie mornings -- yeah, me too. JG makes breakfast and sort of levers me to the table. And no matter what new thing turns up, that still stays really special.

LaskiGal said...

I don't do HORRORscopes. Can't. They creep me out. BUT this: "I confess, the first thing I do is evaluate the responses of Ms. Manners and Dear Abby, assessing whether or not their advice is correct." ALL THE TIME!

flutter said...

wait, you mean those aren't scientific?


Vodka Mom said...

hey, I WROTE that one.........

Patience said...

My horoscope:

Avoid the stale, nearsighted visions of others that will only paint your ideas as unreasonable or outlandish. Brimming with passion and self-assertiveness, you'll take steps towards some idealistic -- but not impossible -- goals.

I'm brimming with passion and self-assertiveness! Ooooh!

CM said...

You need to get some new horoscopes. Aries: "Get objective advice?" Taurus: "Exercise instead of watching TV?" LAME.

Being irritated when you feel attracted to someone is a funny response. I actually enjoy it, especially since it doesn't happen that often. It's fun to have a crush and get all excited when that person walks in the room, when you know it's just for fun and you're not going to do anything about it.

furiousBall said...

as a general rule, anyone that grabs me is special in my book

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Maybe, just maybe, if they throw away a perfectly good spouse, said spouse could move on and find a perfectly good spouse who wouldn't do such a dumb thing???

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the cosmetics heads up and for Inkheart. That looks great. Love me some Brendan Fraser and Paul Bettany. Looks like even the very mature Audra might like that one. Give me your review if you go. -- Aunt Nancy

Emily N said...

Interpreted another way, that horoscope actually makes sense. Ie if you equate the "something new" with the "special someone" (even if that is not how they meant it which I grant you they probably did not).

Sometimes I'll be annoyed at my husband but be comforted by the thought that other people's husbands would annoy me EVEN MORE. No matter how hot or new or funny, once you're married to him... he is guaranteed to irritate. (And yes that is the advice I give all my single friends and relatives - better to go in with lower expectations and be surprised by how fun marriage is rather than the reverse)

Anonymous said...

I read it and intepreted it like Emily - it makes a lot of sense that way. Maybe your morning brain was just in slow mo? Love, Grandma Seattle

Janet said...

Like I said to my mother-in-law, last weekend, "Where is it written that we have to be happy all of the time?" Sheesh.

I do, however, see in my horoscope just above yours, that a trip to Disney is in order. Now I just need to wait for the bag 'o cash to land on my front step and I'm good.

Michele said...

Just a head's up - I passed on a blog award to you. Thank you for your writing.

Reeky said...

I lucky my wife feels she's investd too much time training me (14 yrs now) to just throw me away.

horoscopes. many years ago I took a psychology course. Prof told us to write down any two words and he would be able to tell us things about our personalities. We did. Next class he brought in the personality descriptions based on each of our 2 words. Everyone felt he hit each of us EXACTLY. He then cracked up and told us he went to an astrology book and randomly copied things from different zodiac signs.

When things are written in a vague, cryptic way, you can weave them into your lives as a perfect fit.

apathy lounge said...

Maybe I'm doing something wrong in the morning. I usually start off with the obituaries.

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday!

nutmeg said...

YEA! I'm still waiting out how attracted I am to your husband in that ranger uniform!

nutmeg said...

p.s. I really am the funniest commenter known to man.

Dysd Housewife said...

It's disgusting how society today considers marriage and relationships so disposable. "Oh you're unhappy? Find someone new." Forget trying to make things work out, cuz, you know that might be HARD or something...

motherbumper said...

I see that we work at the same operating speed first thing in the morning, I can't handle anything more intense than the latest gossip or weather. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

I'm interested in Inkheart, you Temptress. [But I am married, and the attraction will wane after the contest.]

Horrorscopes never got a hold of me because my younger sister and I have the same birthday. By the time I could read, I could also figure out that what would be meaningful to her certainly would not be meaningful to me.


jeanie said...

Mine is "try some exercise instead of instead of vegetating with reruns".

How are they so perceptive?

V then asked what his was, and I said there was no Capricorn - his response was they needed no advice as they already knew it all...

Leslie said...

I go for the horoscopes first thing in the morning, too. I wish they'd replace them with positive affirmations. I don't need advice that early so much as an ego boost.

Anonymous said...

Hear, Hear!!

*raises Mt Dew can to clink with your cawfee cup*


Whit said...

One day my wife was stuck by a van while walking in a cross-walk. She was fine, just freaked out.

About an hour later we were reading the paper and her horoscope, no shiz, said "you are in danger of being hit by a large vehicle."

I swear. We should have read the paper first.

Karen said...

I have to have chocolate and coffee before I am any good in the morning.