Tuesday, January 27, 2009

No Man's Land

A pre-dinner bath seemed like a genius idea.

I took the lead while K slaved over the hot stove.

It was all going according to plan... until...

Out of nowhere, The Rooster stood up in the tub and, suddenly hysterical, began repeatedly yelling,

She choked on her great big sobs between each berserk outburst.

I helped her out of the tub and into her pajamas.

"Go tell your Daddy that you're hungry," I told her.
She went careening towards the kitchen.

"I WANT SPAGHETTI RIGHT NOW!" she screamed at him.
"Dinner's almost ready, Roo. But we're not having spaghetti tonight," he said.
I swear I heard the paint peel from the kitchen walls in response to the high decibel shriek she emitted.

She flung herself to the floor and lost her little mind.

Still tub side with The Mayor, I stifled my laughter.

"Uh... I could use a little help in here," K called to me.
"I'm still washing The Mayor," I yelled back.
Meanwhile, The Rooster beat all four limbs against the kitchen floor while still demanding spaghetti with impassioned fury.

It unwise to let the women of my family get too hungry.

There is a point beyond which it is dangerous to tread.

Years before we were married, I was out on a date with K on a Sunday evening.

It was almost 10:00 p.m. and we hadn't eaten dinner.

Every place we went was closed and I turned into a rabid animal, wild and foaming at the mouth.

[I TOLD him I was hungry!]

A local diner selling a specialty hamburger called The Chubby Decker was the only thing he could find open.

[I sobbed harder. What woman eats a food named "Chubby"?]

By this time I was incensed and overwrought, sobbing in the passenger seat of K's car.

[I am an AWESOME date.]

K swung through the drive through, handed me the bag and took me home.

I remember sitting at the desk in my apartment bedroom while he sat on my bed reading the newspaper.

I could only stop crying when I needed to breathe enough to take another bite of food.
"What are YOU still DOING HERE?" I bawled, screeching at him.
[It was all his fault!]

He folded down the corner of the paper and gave me a long, patient look.

"Just because you're hysterical, doesn't mean I have to go anywhere," he said
Eventually, with a little food in my belly, I calmed down.

It's not just me though.

When my mother married her second husband, she made her groom vow to avoid the wrath of "Hungry Bonnie" by ensuring that she was fed regularly and on time.

K, a guest at my mom's wedding and a long, suffering life partner of mine turned the heat down on dinner and pulled a plate of food together for The Rooster.

"Here you go," he said. "Eat something, Sweetheart."
She only stopped crying long enough to inhale mouthfuls of food.

When I finished drying The Mayor and getting him into his pajamas I joined K in the kitchen.

I met his gaze with an enormous grin on my face.

I raised my eyebrows.

"That's MY daughter, eh?"
And this is what K commonly refers to as, "The Joys."

"Oh, The Joys."


WILLIAM said...

My brother swears by feeding a kid every 2 to 3 hours to avoid such hunger breakdowns.

Also, what guy would not want to date a girl who would eat somthing called a "Chubby."

Patience said...

Maybe she didn't get enough of the yeast-farting bread from yesterday.

Paula H said...

I nearly spit my coffee onto my keyboard. This deserves a ROFL award! I've been there, and I'm one of them. We like to call ourselves "food dependent".

Bogart in P Towne said...

Posts like these make me question my sanity for wanting procreate.

Julie said...

Oh. mah. gawd. ME TOO!!!! I thought I was the only one. Thank you so much.

Miss Ash said...

Landon, my honey, is just like that.

I've known a few men who became mean and... well, mean, when they were hungry.

I'm cranky myself. Maybe not hysterical, but cranky. I think it's all evolutionary. Somehow.

John Ross said...

My daughter(27) has a great Husband training aide for that...When she gets to hungry, she falls over....literally. about once of that is enough. of course it usually happens about ten minutes after getting in the car to go somewhere.

3carnations said...

I'm particularly hungry right now and spaghetti sounds great.

Are you having spaghetti tonight?

I find it hysterical that the women in your family have to be "fed" to avoid the wrath. :)

Anonymous said...

Yes it is genetic ;-) Poor poor rooster. Fruit should always be within reach. Preferably blackberries, her favorite. Too bad they are not always in season.
Give them both a kiss for me. Grandma Seattle.

jess said...

Yeah, I get that. Once, at a family reunion, I almost massacred my entire extended family on the streets of downtown Myrtle Beach because they weren't making decisions fast enough. Then I realized what was wrong and ate some french fries instead. All was well with the world.

Good thing, that would have been messy.

Amanda said...

I didn't think I could smile like that today. Thanks.

mo.stoneskin said...

I could really do with a chubby burger right now.

Anonymous said...

Me too! When I have the foresight, I carry some dried fruit & nuts in my bag. When I don't...

CM said...

I don't know the Rooster, but I love her.

I get like that when I'm too tired.

kittenpie said...

I get not angry, but all woozy and indecisive and desperate. As in, I know I need food adn get all shaky and frantic, but can't make a decision about what I should eat. Lovely.

Scientific Lutheran said...

I agree with Bogart.

I LOVE your blog, but your kids make me pause to consider, Do I REALLY want one of those??

zeghsy said...

i know my daughter gets like that and i'm sure i've had a full on tantrum (even at my age) when i go too long without eating. if i'm hungry - DO NOT COME BETWEEN ME AND FOOD! rooster has the right of it. poor little thing.

Mandy said...

My husband is obviously related to you and your daughter.

Early on in our dating life, he became somewhat (completely) irrational due to lack of food... I now know how to recognize the early signs and get him food, FAST, when I see them.

Above Average Joe said...

I have the hardest time keeping from laughing at the kids' hissy fits.

Anonymous said...

I'm like that as well. I turn into a bitch, even more of a bitch, when I'm hungry. My husband is finally learning to make sure I eat now instead of later.

Anonymous said...

I also love that your husband gets you so well. "Just because you're hysterical, doesn't mean I have to go anywhere," he said. Very nice.

Anonymous said...

oooh, my husband and oldest daughter do this! I still sometimes forget, especially with my daughter and we will butt heads for up to a half hour before I figure out oh! blood sugar! and make her pound a juice box and a peanut butter sandwich.

becky said...

Oh my. Are we related? I get pretty crazy if I don't get food. Crabby pants, for sure.

angelle321 said...

I am so glad to know that it's not just me that is like this!