Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Chicken Breast Threat Level Orange

I never intended to pose a threat to airport security but on the way out of town, I realized that the fluid filled sacks in my carry on luggage might very likely cause alarm, attract attention, and, frankly, mortify me.

Two days ago, I learned that many of my female colleagues were planning to wear floor length gowns to our office's 'black tie optional' event though I had assumed we’d go with cocktail length dresses since we'd be working the event.

I scrambled, asking friends if they had anything formal I could borrow.

One friend (who shall remain nameless for reasons that will become clear as the story unfolds) loaned me a strappy, red number.

When I tried it on, she eyed me critically and said, “You’re going to need the chicken breasts.”

[That's the face I made too.]

She went to a drawer and pulled out two silicon filled sacks and told me to drop them in my bra.

“Trust me,” she said.

I was skeptical, but lo, said chicken breasts propped up the tired, old girls and gave them renewed vitality.

Who knew?

I borrowed the dress and the…items, loaded them into my carry-on luggage and headed for the airport.

Only when I was underway did it occur to me that the two squishy objects might be an issue at airport security.

Would they unpack my bag and expose my udder subterfuge?


Thankfully, the Atlanta airport security employees let the… support group… sail through the line, but agents at Reagan National Airport were not so easily duped upon my return this morning.

My bag was in the x-ray machine when I heard the TSA agent call out to a colleague.

“What do you think that could be?” I heard him say.

There was a pause.

I piped up, “I can tell you what they are,” I said, “though I’m embarrassed about it."

I wondered how suspicious I looked.

The second agent leaned over to his colleague and whispered with authority and confidence, “PUSH UPS!!

He turned and faced me with a wink and my luggage rolled towards my blush colored face.

I left DC grateful that TSA agents understand that some “secret weapons” are completely harmless aboard an aircraft.

[And for the record, I didn’t end up wearing the silicon support group. I went with the basic black cocktail dress... because I am a chicken.]


Shown here with @Genuine.
I'm especially fond of the way the shadowy light makes me look like I'm missing my two front teeth. Changing blog name to Oh, the Trailer Park now...
UPDATED: Proof that I actually have all my teeth.


Magpie said...

I miss you.

Virtualsprite said...

I don't have a pair of chicken breasts, but I do have the gel-filled bra that performs the same function. I wore it on my first date with my husband (not realizing that we'd have a second date) and when the second date came and I didn't wear the bra he said, "Well, that's just false advertising."

He still married me, though. Also, love the photo and the cocktail dress.

Sayre said...

Hahahhaaaa!!!! God love 'em!

You're gorgeous with or without your support group!

Oh, The Joys said...

@Magpie - see you soon? #hope

Anne said...

ohhhhhh, perky! and embarrassing! The chicken breast name cracks me up and you know those security people see it all!

kellypea said...

I always did hoot over your stories. Fabulous! I think I may have felt something cold and clammy when you mentioned chicken breasts. EW! I used to drop in regularly when I spent more time on my non-food blog, and have forgotten how much fun it is to think about something other than food. Thanks for your tweet. That's what got me here.

Colleen said...

I also would have gone the chicken breast-less option.

But I'm also wishing you had shared a photo of the red dress.
: )

annie w. said...

Oh, I've missed you, and hoped you hadn't disappeared! Have missed your humor and hearing about the Mayor and Rooster.

Jenifer said...

I thought they were called "cutlets" shows you what I know...I am a big fan of the smoke and mirrors of bras.

flutter said...

cutlets are a girl's best friend

Nanny Lou said...

I have nothing to say about the chicken breasts except that I thought you had more gumption than that. And I would ignore the tooth problem because how many people can say they have had their picture taken with Colin Firth?

The Push-up Princess said...

BTW, I told you they were "Chicken FIllets" not "breasts." Kinda gives a french twist to the accoutrement. And my dear, you are master of the pun. Great humor here. Love you, lady!

thebookladi said...

lol-and it's good to see you post again. Missed your humor and family stories

Anonymous said...

Thank god you're back! That's all I've got.

R said...

totally cracking up *snort* :)

oh - and red dress or no, I think you look fantastic!

happy to see a post from you!!

Kim said...

Totally contemplating buying chicken breasts for use in a bathing suit.

In theory chicken breasts and salt water would go together fine.....

But still.

Lora said...

ha! You look gorgeous no matter what. Black or red, teeth or no teeth.

Expatriate Chef said...

The moment of truth is when a cross-dresser is eyeing your strappy, green sequin number with envy and comments on how much he would like to wear it — and we both know he'd look better in it.

Here's to small-girls and being chicken-free.

Anonymous said...

Where aaarrrrreee you? Please don't leave us all alone out here again!

Table4Five said...

Saw this post on Alltop. You look gorgeous! That's too funny about the airport, I'm glad the second agent knew what they were and didn't pull them out and wave them around or anything :P

The Super Bongo said...

I'm glad to see you back.

Queen of the Click said...

Great story and the black dress looks great on you!

Penny said...

ROFLMAO!!! Awesome.. so, so awesome. OTJ, you look DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, btw!

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

My mom actually bought me a pair of those after I had my second daughter. Um THANKS MOM.

p.s. you do look smokin' mama!